Call me immature- I can't stop laughing at this

Go to 2:10 Min, Louis CK explains that his kids don't watch TV

Don't give the kids Ritalin - Turn off the TV!

As a result of the accident, I stood home. My sister asked me to "babysit" my nephew. My babysitting skills are as follows: Do not let the child die. That's it. If I can do that, I'm half way there. My nephew is a sweet kid but he is hyper. He constantly has to play with his shoes or bounce a ball or hit something. The dude wont stop.

I burned the oatmeal, toast, and began to watch t.v with my nephew.

"Put it on that one!" ( a cartoon on Nickelodeon)
"Let me show you another cartoon that you will like."

I put it on Daffy Duck! That's right THAT Daffy duck and Porky Pig were on. You had two characters with different speech impediments. What can be better?

"Change it, That's boring man"

I changed the channel to Nickelodeon and the cartoons were loud. Cartoons for kids today have to catch their attention. So they must include noise and more noise, and lights and flashing lights, and music and noise and more noise. The mind has to cease thinking.

The Cult of the t.v had a loyal follower in my nephew albeit an unaware believer. He was hypnotized to the screen in a manner that would make David Koresh proud. I figured we go for a walk so I can rehab my back and enjoy the sunshine and on the way back I took him to the library where he looked lost. "There's no books here" he tells me. "There are thousands of book here", I tell him. He picks 4 and I become optimistic that the book may be mightier that the box.

We get home and the books are put away but the lights and chatter of the television draw him back. Another soul lost to the box.

I did a little research and found that studies have found that there is a link between t.v watching and long-term attention problems. In one study, kids were given a task immediately after watching Sponge Bob Square pants and the more they watched, the dumber they got (paraphrased)

This makes sense. It made me look back on the role of cartoons in our society. When I was a kid, School House Rock showed me how a bill becomes law, the function of conjunctions, and that three indeed is a magic number.

When I watched cartoons, Jazz or classical music played in the background and Bugs Bunny was making satire out of historical events. Henry Mancini played the jazz melody on The Pink Panther. Legend great Charles Mingus played the themes song on Peanuts. There was a fusion of music and art which is missing today. Incidentally, I find the Pink Panther one of the funniest cartoons AND THE CHARACTERS NEVER TALKED! Imagine that.

For all of the technology that the MTV generations has given us, it's come at a price that is to distracting to be seen.

Old School Cartoons (read above)

Nobody Canna Cross it

Jokes 12-9-11

My day started shitty. I was involved in a 9 car pile up. My car was 4th on that metal accordion of a mess. This happened on the 5 freeway towards Orange County, CA. It happened so fast. The airbag deployed and my seat belt prevented me from flying through the windshield (so buckle up kiddies!). In the aftermath I was in shock and had inhaled chemicals in my system. I had to kneel to prevent myself from collapsing.

But besides a sore body, I can honestly say that I'm grateful to still be alive and to be surrounded by a core of people that truly care. As I mentioned in my earlier post, I've decided that I wasn't going to let life's struggles get me down. I will turn to humor as a refuge. I hope you enjoy the following jokes. I'll be resting and counting my blessings.


Amy Winehouse's dress fetched $68,000 at an auction. When asked if the buyer planned to re-sell it, he said "no no no"

Burger King announced that they are changing its recipe for the first time since 1998. This time they will take a gamble on potatoes.

Another woman has come forward claiming to have had an affair with Herman Cain. According to her, he had a preference for 69 69 69.

After Congress lifted a ban, horses can now be slaughtered for consumption. Next on Md Donald's menu: The McStallion.

Former Miss USA, Rima Fakih has been arrested on suspicion of DUI after she failed to properly recite the alphabet. She was released immediately when it was discovered that she's just dumb.

Astronomers have discovered the biggest black holes ever, not attached to a Kardashian.

Amanda Knox has hired a lawyer to help her land a book deal. It will be entitled: "OJ thanks for the tips."

Rod Blogojevich has been sentenced for 14 years on corruption charges. His hair is appealing that decision.

Alec Baldwin was kicked off a plane in Los Angeles for playing a word game on his phone. The pilot complained that the constant beeping was was ruining his high.

Lindsey Lohan's Playboy is set to drop early after a leak - or as Hugh Heffner calls it, draining the main vein.

Returning to nature- Why PETA hates me , why I shouldn't coach rabbits for MMA, and why you should be grateful

Working For a Nuclear Free City - Je suis le Vent

I'm not dead- Just feel like it sometimes

Greetings Bloggers and readers from Lost Angeles, CA. I have been absent from this cyber universe for quite some time as I had another depressive episode that has lasted for about a month. During the "episode" I tend to tune out and remain in a semi-paralyzed state. As a result, I find it difficult to be creative or find humor. Instead I find dread and uncertainty. I know from reading many of the blogs here that I'm not alone in my feelings. However, I don't want to be the bearer of bad news or have my blog be a a tool for dispersing nothing but the blues.

I want my blog to be primarily a humor blog and a place where I can share a little piece of my universe. I believe that at one point this blog used to be somewhat entertaining and I want to make it that again. I do know that writing on a regular basis on my blog provided me with some discipline and this in turn allowed me to flex my creative juices. I'm trying to return to that mental state where I can create art or garbage. The point is to create. This post will be the first step.

CASE OF THE MONDAYS
The truth is that I have alot of shit on my mind. My work situation is less than ideal as the company has undergone major changes. Many people were laid off again and many people that I was really close with were liabilities in the corporate game. I could go on adinfinitum about the folly that exists at work. Suffice to say that it's the typical powerful people in power that "know better" than us proletariats. The bottom line is that I need and will get the fuck out soon for my own mental health.

Ahhh that feels so much better. I also stopped going to therapy after being bounced around from therapist to therapist. Beggars can't be choosey. It was practically a free clinic and to quote Maria Bamford, some times free clinics means crappy-shitty-no good. I know that I'm in a dark place when I stop doing the things that once gave me pleasure. I like comedy and writing and so I need to continue to pursue this.

I hope that you will still continue to check out my blog and I'll do the best to follow yours. I hope we can still be cyber pals. Deal?. I'll try to find humor again in this mad world. I'd rather laugh than cry.

somebody

Weddings, Farts and why I shouldn't be out in public

This weekend I made the mistake of socializing in a large group setting. I attended a wedding. My sister's childhood friend got married and the wedding service and reception were in the same place in Downtown Los Angeles. It was my girlfriend,my mother and I. My sister was a maid of honor. As I waited for the servcice to start, I began to be quietly amused by the corny music that was playing in the background.

The place had a large ceiling and was spacious. I waited and waited for the service to start but being confined to my tiny chair, my mind began to wander. The first thing I noticed was that I smelled breath. Not bad breath necessarily- just breath and come to think about it, it had to be somewhat bad if I'm writing about this now.

The blonde lady in front of me had tiny wrists. I was fascinated. They looked like chop sticks. She also talked alot with her hands and I just stared at the tiny wrists while wondering how much force it would take to snap them. I also saw a man take pictures with a pink phone. PINK PHONE? UNACCEPTABLE.

He said I do. She said I do. They kissed. Relief.

Here is the problem, the service room now needs to be arranged for dinner and the wait was long. We are escorted to a garden-like patio that had a bar and few chairs. My feet and back hurt. I'm reminded of why I hate weddings. They should just be called torture tests.

"Hey there's a pizza place accross the street. My treat," I tell my mother and girlfriend. "Just wait", Is the stern response. My back is now killing me and I'm staring at the people and debating whether it would be socially unacceptable to lie on the floor. After a long wait, we are herded inside to an assigned table.

The table is filled with parents but the are all nice. My stomach is growling but we are served Caesar Salad. (I was the only one skipped but they fixed that.) In my fantasy world, I'm pounding extra cheese on my giant slice of pepperoni pizza.

They are serving potatoes and burgers but there is a catch, the tables will be called randomly and of course, we aren't chosen until the very end. To say I was starving is like saying Amy Winehouse liked to party. (Too soon?).

THE THEFT
I get in a giant line of starving people and As I get my plate, they run out of potatoes. So I wait cordially but I look back and I notice that the line thinks I'm holding them back! One fat Mexican guy cuts in front of me and STEALS MY PLATE and rudely says, "excuse me" and proceeds to pour himself food. "That's my plate! I yell to a guy that eats Fuck you for breakfast. Wow I was shellshocked. The food was good but cold but I was happy.

THE SKETCH ARTISTS
The bride had three cartoon artists that made drawings for donations. I wait in line and I'm trying to decide which artist to use when I look up and notice a Fat Mexican artist that looked eerily familiar. Holy shit one of the artists is the guy that stole my plate. I let it go. I decided to use a lady that kept insisting that I smile. This is the sketch that she made of us.We ate and left.

THE GYM
The next day I decide to go to the gym. I lift some weights and barbells and now I do my routine of going to the aerobic room by myself to do cardio (jumprope). I'm alone and I enter and this petite girl enters behind me. I got to my corner and she is close to me. She is doing stretching exercises and I'm on a matt stretching my back when I smell the smell of death. It pierced my soul. It was sharp and foul. The bitch farted. I was livid.

There are two in the room and my ass was not the guilty party (this time). Deductive reasoning: It was her! I move away and jump rope at a safe distance, away from the agent orange. I figured, the fart would dissipate. I forgave her in my heart. I go back to jumping rope in my original spot, next to ass blaster. I'm 20 seconds into my jump roping when she raped my nose again with an explosion. O.K now that was rude!!! I left my matt and storm out of the room where oxygen awaited me. My workout was cut short.(Emphasis on CUT)

This weekned I plan on going to the mall to see how much gas masks go for.

Jokes 10-12-11

A biography claims that Steve Jobs owned 100 black turtlenecks. This has angered animal rights activists that are asking, where are the rest of the turtles?

In NJ, a history professor, Elizabeth Snyder is in trouble after she told a stuttering college student not to talk. That is just b-b-b-b--bad.

The "underwear bomber" plead guilty to trying to blow up a plane. He should've used Indian Food- Guaranteed Explosion every time.

The Ninety Nine Cent store has agreed to be sold for $1.6 billion dollars and 99 cents.

They are remaking the movie "Footloose" which, if you recall, is a movie about Paul McCartney's ex wife.

Republican Presidential candidate, Herman Cain has a tax solution for the country that he has named his 9-9-9 plan. His plan, backwards is favored by Satan.

Revisiting Occam's Razor during these confusing times

There is a principle that suggests that the simplest explanation or way of doing things is probably best all things being equal. In otherwords in deciding between A and B, choose the simpler of the two.

I love this principle because in an age of seemingly unlimted information, it is too easy to entertain wild ideas that spread like wildfire on the internet and other media. I thought about this recently as we revisited the events surrounding 911.

After 911, almost immediately, "conspiracy theories" cropped up by organizations such as the "truthers" that made extraordinary claims about the real cause behind 911. I'm reminded of Carl Sagan that said, "extraordinay claims require extraordinary proof."

The History Channel did a special where they investigated the claims made by conspiracy theorists surrounding the events of 911. They then provided a scientific explanation. For example, it was claimed that 911 was an inside job involving a group of people that used explosives to bring the towers down. As evidence they point to video footage of windows seeming to explode before the tower fell.

I have to admit that the first time I saw the footage, I was intrigued and entertained the idea that perhaps some evil geniuses master minded the fall of the towers from the inside using explosives. The History Channel had scientists that explained that the air pressure and heat inside the buildings caused the wind to push to the side before exiting out the windows. So what were are seeinng is air being pushed through the glass.

Now using Occam's Razor, let's ask ourselves, "is it more likely that condensed air pressure caused the glass to shatter or is it more likely that a group of people were able to booby trap a complete building without being detected and then have the building collaps in perfect synchrony to coincide with the location of the airplane crash?

See the simper answer makes more sense right?

I do not want the reader to get the impression that science is without fault and final. Nor am I blind to the inherent flaws in science, namely measuring variables and interpretating the results. In fact I do believe that one can experience the "mystical" and certain subjective forces may not be able to be quantified objetively. This should not invalidate the experience or phenomena.

I put the arts in this category. How can one adequately meausure the inspiration that causes singers to create love ballads or artists paint images never seen before?

These ramblings are presented as a caution to blindly accepting incredible claims as facts. Believe me, the world would be more exciting if I chose to believe faries visit me daily. But using Occam's Razor, I'm wagering it's a mundane bird or insect.

jokes 10-6-11

President Obama has appointed Shakira to be on the panel of the Advisory Commission on Education Excellence for Hispanics. It's part of Obama's No Ass Shaker left behind.

Scientific research published in the Journal of Clinical Oncology suggests that oral sex may be the cause of mouth and throat cancer. For many, this may be hard to swallow.

NJ governor Chris Christie announced the he isn't running for president. Have you seen him? He isn't running period!

India has announced a $35 tablet computer for the rural poor. Caste included.

A quadruple rainbow has been photographed for the first time. It's being described as very,very,very,very gay.

Dinosaur tracks were found in Arkansas. Who knew Larry King walked barefoot.

TMZ is reporting that there is a Tupac porno. In it, he can be heard telling the girl, "all eyes on me and keep your head up." Man, he got around. Wessssssssssside!

The Fiercest rap battle ever

Jokes 9-30-11

In China, a rocket carrying its first space laboratory was launched into orbit. There was jubilation in their country. Everybody's getting Wang Chung tonight.

Chaz Bono is changing T.V . The dance show will now be called "Dancing with the stars and a transgendered moon."

Actress Leisha Hailey is calling for a boycott of Southwest Airlines after she was escorted off the plane for kissing a girlfriend. Had it been heavy groping it would have been o.k said a TSA agent.

Italian prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi is remaining low key on his 75 birthday amid allegations that he had orgies and paid a 17 year old for sex. MSNBC will air the video on "To Catch a Prime Minister."

Bank of America will begin charging a $5 monthly fee for the use of their debit card to make purchases. Other banks will follow so they are not
a loan.

Gwyneth Paltrow twitted that she had a horrific hangover celebrating her 39th birthday. She lost a front tooth and can't recall how she ended up with Mike Tyson's tiger.

A Google Android Phone running on an operating system called Ice Cream Sandwich was leaked through Ebay. I'm waiting for the upgraded version which offers more variety: Neapolitan.

In Long Island, NY a cheating ring has been busted. Seven students paid a college student to take the SAT. That's S-A-D.

Caption Contest!!!

Submit your caption and the winner gets a used book from me along with other goodies. Good luck!

I don't always have ADD

jokes 9-15-11

Bank of America is set to cut 30,000 jobs. It’s either that or the CEO waives his bonus.

Manny Ramirez appeared in court on domestic violence charges. It looks like whatever dignity Manny had is going,going,gone!

In a sign of a sluggish economy, 1 in 6 Americans live in poverty. I’d finish this joke but I’m hungry.

Avril Lavigne has released her new single entitled, “wish you were here”. It’s a moving song about American jobs.

Scarlett Johansson has contacted the FBI to investigate a phone hacking that led to the someone getting access of nude pictures of her. How was the hacker able to do all of that using only one hand?

Nicolas Cage said he was awoken by a naked man with a fudgesicle. When did Bill Cosby become senile?

In Hollywood, CA a man dressed as Spongebob Square Pants was detained. He asked for a a lawyer, an agent, and water.

I saw Sarah Palin at a Chinese restaurant. She insisted on having tons of rice.

Jokes 9-8-11

In San Diego, CA a man dressed as Gumby tried robbing a convenience store. His mother is saddened and still remembers when he was just a little green slab of clay.

In Amsterdam a 42 year old woman is being charged with stalking after she allegedly called her ex boyfriend 65,000 times in the past year. That's excessive. I can understand 64,000. Lines need to be drawn.

Indianapolis Colts quarterback, Peyton Manning has undergone neck surgery. Simultaneously, Fantasy Football players that picked him are experiencing heart attacks.

A model is suing "The Price is Right" claiming that she was sexually harassed by two producers of the show. Most disturbing was the producer flashing her while yelling, "come on down you're the next contestant. Try not to bite."

Neil Diamond is set to marry his manager. That's a savvy manager. In one transaction she will go from 10% to 50%.

In Georgia, one woman died after being exposed to an odor at McDonald's. It's called a Big Mac.

Tonight President Obama will deliver his speech on the American Jobs Act. He will act as though there are jobs.

Win MONEY!!!!

Hey Guys:

I know I have been a bad blogger but I promise to make time for my blog. As many of you know, I've been taking part in a joke punchline contest and won some cash. At first, I thought it was bullshit but I have just confirmed that my money will be in my paypal account shortly so it's real.

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Jokes 8-25-11

A 4.9 earthquake has hit the east coast. In California, we call that an appetizer.

A new game is sweeping Libya: Where's Gaddafi.

A Kentucky jury has ruled for a doctor in a penis amputation suit. They said that the evidence did not stand up in court and the lawyers did not rise to the occasion.

2 birds have tested positive for the West Nile Virus in Wisconsin. Now you know the origin of Angry Birds.

The Oxygen Chanel plans to cancel "The World According to Paris". I'm not holding my breath.

Sean Loftis, a Florida substitute teacher , was fired after the school discovered he did gay porn. That's messed up. I'm not sure who is more anal.

A woman in Alaska has been found guilty of "hot saucing" her son. The judge was enraged that the mom did not use "mild".

The Washington monument top was cracked by the recent earthquake. The last time any crack plagued Washington, Marion Barry was mayor.

A woman sued Match.com after she was was sexually assaulted by a man she met on the dating site. Match.com will not release the perpetrator's real identity, only his screen name: Nomeansyesman2000.

Nancy Reagan fell at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in California only to be caught by Marco Rubio. She said she was grateful for the swift and decisive action of that waiter.

I hope you don't have to do this dance

Middle Finger Michael

3 is a Magic Number

jokes 8-18-11

A British man was killed in a shark attack while honeymooning near Dennis Island. His widow said she expected to get his half but not like this.

In Virginia, a "brain eating amoeba" has claimed a 9 year old victim. Authorities are warning people to avoid areas where it is found including: fresh water lakes, ponds, and tea party rallies.

U.S stocks tumbled amid fears of a global recession. It's a volatile world after wall.

TLC has cancelled Kat Von D's "La Ink" for being in the red ink.

Scientists now believe that the moon is much younger than believed by 20 million years. At night when you look at the moon, Remember, those aren't craters, they're zits.

According to the CDC, 1 in 10 children have been diagnosed with ADHD. The other 90% are focused enough to resist Ritalin.

After aggressive questioning on "Piers Morgan Tonight", Christine O' Donnell left the show midway. She vanished like a true witch.

I won a joke punchline contest!!!

Dear Bloggers and Readers:

I entered a joke punchline contest and I won. The premise of this new site is simple. They provide you with the news story/event and you create a punchline. Each week there are new topics and winners. Last week I did my submission and won $100. My joke will be in the running for the grand winner if I get enough votes. This is where you guys come in. I need your vote!!!!!

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She won the straw poll. Scary

Spiders - rooting for the underdog, technique versus strenght, location location location

I have two new friends. They are spiders. Every night they weave their webs and I greet them. They just stay silent but I know they got my back.

The first spider is huge and creates a huge spider web but it created it away from the light. Since he is huge, I can see with greater clarity the web making technique. It's awesome. First it creates the perimeter and then it stitches the web together with awesome technique cuz he is 1/2 spider 1/2 bad ass!

The second spider is a pimp! This pimp knows he can't overpower his prey so what does it do? It puts on his pimp hat and relies on technique and location. He sets up his tiny web near the light in an ideal location. He doesn't even have to spit game, he just waits and they fall in. The other night I was captivated by a drama that unfolded in front of me.

THE BATTLE

A green bug landed on the web and but it was still able to move. It was much bigger than the spider. It shook violently, trying to escape the death grip of the web. It shook over and over again and this alerted the pimp. The itsy bitsy spider came out and was like, " yo this is a buffet!". The tiny spider came out cautiously since it was smaller and had to be careful. It spun more web and this caused the bug to shake even more. "Come on bug I'm rooting for you!" I thought. The tiny spider gave me that look like, "where is your loyalty?". I watched the battle unfold and it was a work of art. The tiny spider came out then retreated and hit him with more web and still the bug flapped and flapped.

As the bug flapped and flapped, it still reminded where it was at. No mater how much it moved, it remained where it was stuck. I thought of my job and I was able to have empathy for the bug. I stared at the battle for over 1/2 an hour. Then I began to wonder how crazy I must look to my neighbors - a grown man staring at the front door for a long time. Who knows, I may be asked to join the cult across the street.

Jokes 8-11-11

Charla Nash, the lady that got her face mauled by a chimp released pictures of her new face transplant. This is exciting news to the chimp who has been waiting for dessert.

At the Aspen Institute, Al Gore cursed and delivered an angry rant against critics of global warming.He was so angry that even Biden said, "this fucker's good."

Facebook has been linked to poor mental health in teens. Teens refuse to acknowledge this by putting up walls.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average gained over 400 points today. It is rebounding faster than Jennifer Lopez.

In order for America to get it's AAA rating back, it needs to create jobs, cut spending, or hire a stutterer at Standard and Poor's.

Things have gone from bad to worse for Tiger Woods. First he fires his caddie,then Swiss Watchmaker Tag Heuer drops him as a sponsor and replaces him with Flavor Flav.

Sesame Street released an official statement saying that Bert and Ernie are not gay. Big Bird on the other hand...

TBS has decided to cancel Lopez Tonight. He should feel accomplished. After all he's bean there done that.

Kanye West fell down during a performance in Norway fueling my belief in God.

The first vampire bite death in the U.S was reported. The victim tried hard to avoid it but it was all in vein.

jokes 8-4-11

Marvel has revealed a new "Spiderman" that is half Black and half Hispanic. He can still climb buildings but now he leaves behind graffiti. (Racist? I'd say so)

A Swedish man was caught trying to split atoms at home. Neighbors describe him as quiet but explosive.

In Plaistow, New Hampshire, a remorseful thief returned a woman's wallet to her in person, along with an apology letter. Congress did you hear that?

Police academy actor and NFL star Bubba Smith died at 66. The wrong "Bubba" has died. Why couldn't it be the one that rapes cellmates in prison.

Rep. Davd Wu signaled that he would resign from Congress over a sex scandal involving an unwanted sexual encounter with an 18 year old girl. It sounds like the Wutang got caught up with the putang.

As a result of weak economic numbers, the Dow Jones plummeted 400 points. There hasn't been this many points dropped since Kirstie Alley joined Weight Watchers.

A Chinese agency has downgraded the U.S from A+ to A. Not to worry, the U.S working on several extra credit assignments.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are broke and living with Spender's parents. They're making a movie about this called "The Hills have eyes and those eyes have tears."

A 29 year old female was arrested for prostitution as she worked at Dunkin' Donuts. "Johns" would use the code word "extra sugar" and she would go into the parking lot. I'll never look at doughnut holes the same way.

Cult member license plate

A glimpse of the cult members

The Cult

I'm back in L.A County and across the street from me is a cult. They have been there forever and I AM SO FASCINATED BY THEM. They used to congregate in the front lawn and they would clap NONSTOP for like 20 minutes. I'm not kidding. It was weird but this is L.A so weird is relative. Then the stopping clapped and all members would just meet inside the house. The cult leader and his son are very nice, although they rarely interact with anyone else outside the cult.

You may ask, how do you know they are a cult? Ah my dear Watson, it's elementary. You see when I was in college I met a girl named Justine that upon hearing where I lived said, "You know there's a cult on your block?"
"yeah I know"
"I used to attend"
"Really what happened!?"
"My dad took me there but then I refused to go and he disowned me. He said if I rejected God, he would not talk to me."

Wow my fascination with the neighbor across the street only grew. Then my sister related to me that her good friend, Erica, had an aunt that stopped talking to her family once she attended the cult.

THE LICENSE PLATES
Here is another thing that is intriguing about the group. ALL members have one of the following slogans surrounding their license plate:

NO AGENDA BUT GOD'S
HEAVENS FOR THE FEW WHO STRIVE

They take up a lot of parking and I know who is a cult member by the license plate but if you think that is bizarre, let me tell you about ....

THE LATE NIGHT SLEEP OVERS

Almost every night (between Midnight -2:00AM) they have sleep overs. Families, including children come out of their cars and they flock to the house. Sometimes they have bags of food, sleeping bags, or ice chest and they knock and they are let in and then they disappear. I always peek and try to see what goes on behind their doors. Before the type of people that would be members were hippie types with mullets but today's members look more mainstream. Scary.

The other morning, I saw a flock of devotees pour out of the house by the dozen. It looked like the entrance to a rock concert. Whenever they arrive at night , I peek because I want to know so bad what the hell happens across the way. My devoted readers, I promise to provide you with footage of the cult members descending to their shrine.

I want to know from my fellow bloggers, what do you think happens at the house late at night?

Politics in America - Bill Hicks

jokes 7-28-11

Bob Bradley has been fired as head coach of the U.S Soccer team. Upon hearing this news, he fell to the floor, grabbed his ankle and cried like a baby.

Kat Von D and Jesse James have broken up. Just like real douches, two at a time is just too much.

Astronomers have detected an asteroid close to the earth that moves in the same orbit around the sun This type of asteroid is called a trojan asteroid. The larger ones are called Magnums.

Alex Trebek,host of “Jeopardy” injured his leg as he chased a burglar out of his hotel room. What is geriatric?

An AWOL soldier near Fort Hood was arrested with bomb-making material, including a movie script for Dane Cook.

A latex, Casey Anthony mask fetched just under $1 million dollars on Ebay. This is an example of when a winner can still be a loser.

According to science, “The Champ” is the saddest movie ever. The runner up? The film starring a drunk David Hasselhoff eating a burger on the floor.

The Grapist

UN-WISE LIKE AN OWL- "OWLING"

I may be decomposing at an incredible rate but that does not mean that I do not have a pulse on what's happening with the kids these days. There used to a time when the only acceptable way to take a picture was to yell cheese and smile. Not anymore. "Cheese" is, well cheesy. Today's generation needs change, innovation, and the latest trend or fashion statement. It doesn't matter if the change is good. It just needs to be different and "now". So move over "duckface" and "planking." It's all about owling.

Owling is the act as posing like an owl. To be effective, you should let your arms drag to the side while you squat. You can look straight ahead or make a funny face. It doesn't matter. To be real authentic, you should probably hunt mice at night and try to find how many licks it takes to get to the center of a lollipop.

jokes 7-21-11

In China, fake “Apple” stores are popping up everywhere. They are being operated by mannequins.

Jazz legend Joe Lee Wilson has died at 75. The place and the time of the funeral is still unknown as it shall be improvised.

Emma Watson is to star in a new film "Beauty and the Beast." Who is going to play Beauty?

A blistering heat wave has hit the Midwest. In Iowa, it was so bad that farmers had to sell their corn to Orville Redenbacher.

On Sunday, Golf sensation Rory Mcilroy was having dinner and kissing tennis star, Caroline Wozniacki. By all accounts, things are in full swing.

In Indiana, Aaron Pace claims he was not allowed to give blood because he appeared to be gay. He insists he is straight and was so upset that he grabbed his purse and dashed out of there in his high heels.

I feel America will be safer now that Obama has appointed a new Secretary of State: Rupert Murdoch's wife!

In Washington, a woman was arrested after she tried to hell her infant boy for $500 or 250 Burrito Supremes.

Weird Al in Orange County, CA

Last week's "Weird" weekend

Last week I called up my friend Nick. "Hey Iz what do you think about Weird Al?

"Weird Al? I queried. "I think he's kinda lame myself but Rob has an extra ticket if you want to go", Nick tells me.

I had no plans so I jumped at the opportunity to see Weird Al in Orange County, CA. I didn't know he performed live. In fact I didn't know alot about Weird Al. I thought he vanished from the public conscious after he put on his fat suit and sang "Fat"- a spoof on Michael Jackson's "Bad".

I attended the concert and here is what I learned about Weird Al:

1- He is alive. I knew he did did Amish Paradise and White and Nerdy but I didn't know much since. Certaintly he couldn't have followers could he?

2- He has TONS of fans and they know his lyris! Do you know how baffled I was to see his fans responsd in anticipation to his performances? They knew his skits and lyrics.

3- His show is very entertaining. He sings, plays the accordion, and does jokes. In addition, he plays videos during the costume changes.

4-His fan base is diverse. I saw parents, kids, teens and every demographic was covered. expect old,black males).

5-He is very talented. I never thought that I would ever attend a weird Al concert and enjoy it as much as I did.

jokes 7-12-11

Rabbi Avraham Rabinowich, leader of the Bellmore Jewish Center, was busted with a hooker on the Sabbath when his wife secretly filmed him. This sounds like a bar joke: A Rabbi and a hooker meet on the Sabbath...
(Steamy video below. It's kosher)

The DEA ruled on Friday that marijuana has no “accepted medical use” and should therefore remain illegal. I want what they’re smoking.

Scientists have discovered a new strain of gonorrhea that is resistant to antibiotics. It’s being called the “Sarah Palin” because it just wont go away.

Morissey was attacked by a dog, beaking his finger in the process. Ironically, the dog was named "bigmouth". (Only Smiths fans will get this).

Rebecca Black will self release her new single "My Moment" next Monday, which comes before Friday. We so excited.

R Kelly is facing foreclosure on his $2.9 million mansion in Chicago. What a tragedy. The guy had it all and just pissed it all away.

I apologize to my readers. The punchline to this joke was hacked by Ruport Murdoch.

Jew got caught now Jews in trouble

village idiot

Yes Yes Y'all

clouddead apt.a

jokes 7-6-11

Casey Anthony was found not guilty of murdering her daughter. After the emotional verdict , police had to escort the jurors and their seeing eye dogs.

Roger Clemons perjury trial is set to begin Wednesday. Clemons has pettioned the court to move the trial to Orlando Florida where magic happens.

Vice President, Joe Biden has created a twitter account. It's @*#%!joe.

In Mexico, a 19 year old woman attempted to sneak her husband out of jail in a suitcase. The husband was returned to jail and is prohibitted from taking yoga.

Rick Springfield has pleaded not guilty to a DUI but was silent on whether he hooked up with Jessie's girl.

In California, lawmakers have passed a bill that would require public schools to teach gay history. The course will be named the history of the U.S of Haaay!

Flash Back Friday- The time I worked for an Indian boss

They say hindsight is 20/20. Haven't you ever looked back on certain life events and asked yourself, What the hell was I thinking?

Here is one such tale. About 6 years ago, I was doing mortgage loans. This was during the subprime frenzy when credit was cheap and home values were increasing at an incredible rate; just before the housing bubble collapsed.

I was sort of new to the industry and I ran with a crew of people that did loans. Here was the crew. Steve, a short, chubby, black dude from Watts that had more ups and downs than JJ from Good Times. He was always on chat lines with names like "Latinas seeking brothas". He was married. Eric, a suave, latin-lover type who was smooth with the ladies. David, my Korean friend who was high strung and VERY opinionated. In fact one time, he grilled an Asian girl on why she died her hair blonde? "She's a self hater!" David was the unofficial leader. Then there was me.

One day David tells us that there is an Indian guy named "Sam" that had a real estate business and he wanted to add a mortgage division-Hence the crew.

MEETING SAM
On the first day of our meeting. Sam decided to talk business by taking us out for breakfast. On the way to the deli his phone rings and he picks up. This is what we heard.

"Hello Sam How arrrr jah"
"Hello"
"a Gun!"
"What do you mean a gun. You mean a real gun?"
"Don't worry I take care of it."

Then he hung up and drove to our business "meeting" like nothing happened.

He was cheap. He wanted to pay us crap but we figured, we'd prove ourselves and then use our leverage to get our way. We didn't even have real desks. He put together plastic party tables- one on each side. Instant desks.

Word got to us that his wife had the deeper pockets and she therefore wanted to be super involved because she was paying us. Sam didn't really want her there but had to kiss her ass. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, he had recently been having an affair with another lady and was still seeing her. Her BMW would pass by the office. "There goes his mistress"

One day we enter our office and the place is a mess. It was as if a tornado had hit the place. It turns out that Sam used to sneak into our office and call his mistress. The day before the mess, he was sweet talking with the mistress when his wife walked in on him and tried to snag his phone to catch him in the act. The phone drops and they both struggle to get it like the hero and the villain try to get the out of reach gun on the floor.

Another tenant in the building who had a DJ wedding business casually told us, "
I walked into your office and Sam had his hands wrapped around his wife choking her on the floor."

Recently, I looked up Sam to see if he was still in the business and he is, although he has changed locations and perhaps lovers as well.

It's too close to home and too near the bone

jokes 06-29-11

Researchers in China have concluded that having bad gums is linked to erectile dysfunctional. In response to this, Viagra is joining forces with Trident.

Rumors are circulating that Charlie Sheen's character on "Two and a half men" will die in the network premiere. That episode is aptly named "premonition".

Michelle Bachman claims that she misspoke when she confused John Wayne with John Wayne Gacy. She corrected herself and apologized to the family of John Wayne Bobbit.

The star of Ugly Betty recently got married to her husband, horrendous Steve.

Lady Gaga is being sued for allegedly scamming people who purchased bracelets that were supposed to help out the victims of the Japanese earthquake. In Japan, they call this "sue she" (apologies in advance)

Christine Legarde has broken the gender barrier by becoming the first woman to lead the IMF. Her first order of business includes raising interest rates and lowering toilet seats.

Death is it really the end?

Don't worry. This post won't be a metaphysical inquiry into the afterlife. Rather it's a tale that illustrates that even when I try to remain incognito with strangers,they seem to find me.

Today I went to Starbucks to get my liquid crack. I parked behind their parking lot along an alley because there is never any parking at Starbucks.

As I'm approaching my car, I see a middle-aged chubby guy standing outside of his SUV and he is staring at me. I thought he was lost and needed directions.

"How's it going", he tells me with a giant smile.
"How are you?", I replied.
"Mind if I give you some reading material that you can read later?"
"Sure"

He gave me a brochure that Jehova Witnesses use to convert people. it was entitled: Death is it really the end?. Then he got into his automobile and left abruptly.It was as if I was on today's agenda. "Today I shall amuse this Cynical Mexican with religious literature."

Ironically, the name of the brochure is called "Awake" and I received it at Starbucks. Get it?

As I got in my car and drove to work, I began to ask a profound questions. What if God was trying to communicate with me using this jolly man?

I would hate to go to the pearly gates and be confronted by God:

"Why did you ignore my invitation?"
"How was I suppose to know that was you? I heard you work in mysterious ways but come one, give me a pass. And besides, how efficient can one guy be passing out flyers? Haven't you heard of the internet?

"Make room for one more smart ass below"

What happened Eddie?

I was bored at work. I had to call real estate agents for business. If you never dealt with agents, it's like talking to 3 year olds minus the snot and personality.

The task was mind numbing so to entertain myself, I began playing a game called: Who does this agent look like? I would cut and paste pictures of agents and match them with pics of celebrities. I had an agent that looked like Gilbert Gottfried, Michael Jackson (It was a white woman with big eyes), Liza Minelli, etc. I then emailed the pics to co-workers that were somewhat grateful that I broke the monotony in their day.

I saw an agent that looked like Eddie Van Halen, the last time I remembered him. I went to find a pic of Eddie. Holy crap the guy has not aged well! He looks like a villain in a a cartoon. This reminded me that time gets to all of us. I just hope that I decay more gracefully and learn to be more productive at work

Papi won't snitch or get robbed

jokes 6-15-11

Crystal Harris has called off the wedding to Hugh Heffner. Apparently, she had a change of heart which in Heffner’s case would be called a transplant.

Fran Drescher will premier her new show “Happily Divorced” which features her ex, gay husband Peter Jacobson. Incidently, he was straight before hearing her laugh.

Derek Jeter is 7 hits away from obtaining the historic 3000 hits also known as a Charlie Sheen weekend.

A recent study has found that when wives can't sleep, the marriage suffers. The same study found if husbands suffer, this helps wives fall asleep.

An Anthony Weiner doll action figure has been released online and already there are reports that it has send dirty pictures to Barbie.

Broken

Q and A with comedy writer Gary Bachman

I became aware of Gary Bachman when I began submitting jokes to DailyComedy. He's a regular there and even as a novice, he would always ecourage me with his seal of approval of my jokes. The guy is not only positive, he's also very funny and witty. He is one of my favorite writers because of his unique take on current events.

1-HOW DID YOU GET INTO WRITING COMEDY?

I’m blessed to have been raised in a family that laughed a lot. I wrote my first joke in sixth grade. My sixth grade teacher wrote on my report card that she liked my “witticisms.” I incorporated humor into my writing assignments in high school, but then after high school I pursued several different careers and humor writing was set aside. It wasn’t until Al Gore invented the Internet that I started writing humor again.

2-WHAT IS YOUR JOKE WRITING PROCESS?

I write mostly by using word associations, word plays, and trying to form connections between two different ideas. For example, Anthony Weiner made me think of condiments and condiments sounds like condoms. So I wrote a joke about Weiner not having any love children because he used a condiment.

3- WHAT KEEPS YOU MOTIVATED TO BE A PROLIFIC AS YOU ARE?

I write jokes because they are an intellectual challenge. They are an outlet for my creative impulses. A good joke gives me a feeling of accomplishment. And to be perfectly honest, I enjoy positive feedback from readers.

4- I LIKE YOUR QUOTE ON YOUR DASHBOARD THAT READS, "DON'T DO IT FOR THE MONEY. DON'T DO IT FOR THE FAME. DO IT BECAUSE YOU CAN'T NOT DO IT. CAN YOU EXPAND ON THIS QUOTE A LITTLE FURTHER.

This is a quote from Barry Manilow (my favorite singer growing up—now you know what a nerd I am). The quote is applicable because I’m not famous and am not making any money from writing jokes. And like Manilow, I write because I need an outlet for my creative impulses.

5- I NOTICED THAT MANY WRITERS ARE PRETTY INTROVERED AND/OR PRIVATE WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF THIS WAY?

Definitely. I try to avoid social situations. I feel very uncomfortable around strangers. I’m not good at small talk. I am extremely introverted. I fear making a fool of myself. I have put off doing stand up for this reason.

6- ARE THERE ANY TOPICS THAT ARE OFF LIMITS FOR YOU FOR MORAL REASONS?

I’m not sure how to answer that (which makes it sound like I have no ethical principles). For example, I made a joke about Kevorkian’s death, but I wouldn’t feel right about joking about the Japanese tsunami deaths (which got Gilbert Gottfried in trouble). I grew up attending church, so I probably wouldn’t do any jokes that question the existence of God or the authority of the Bible. As a Chrisitan, I feel a tinge of guilt when I write jokes that poke fun at celebrities or use sexual double entendres. But that doesn’t stop me. 

7- BESIDES WRITING, HAVE YOU DONE ANY PERFORMING ARTS?

I did some acting in school and church. I once had two roles in a play about Moses—an Egyptian and the Pharoah. I had the distinction of dying twice in a one-act play.

8- WHAT PREMISES OR TOPICS DO YOU CONSIDER HACK OR OVERUSED?

I almost exclusively write about current events. I guess, for example, jokes about Anthony Weiner could grow tiresome. I don’t like comedic acts that use a lot of profanity and vulgarity (not that I’m prudish) .


9- WHAT IS THE SECRET TO BEING "FUNNY"?

I wish I knew. Perhaps I wouldn’t write so many bad jokes.  Punchlines with a surprise twist are usually funny. And making connections between two disparate things.

10- WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE FOR ASPIRING COMEDY WRITERS OR BLOGGERS THAT WANT TO INCORPORATE HUMOR IN THEIR WORK?

Keep writing. Joke writing is like baseball. In baseball if you get three hits for every ten at bats, you are a success. Same with joke writing. Accept the fact that you are going to write a lot of bad jokes. The more bad jokes your write the closer you are to writing a good one. Take a topic and write down all the words (people, things, places, etc) that relate to that topic. Then try to make connections and associations that are funny. Good luck!

Flashback Friday - The time I saw the Pixies at Coachella

I'm not a big fanatic about many music groups just one- The Pixies. I love their raw sound and energy and their nonsensical lyrics. There is nothing more cool than a genius of a band that does not take themselves too seriously.

I don't even know why I like them so much. I just "feel them". I feel their energy and I think that how they compose songs is awesome. Like I tell people, they were grunge before that scene ever had a label.

Here is the thing, they were around in the 80's and I never got to see them so I got on my knees and prayed to the woman upstairs. What, no one told you? I said, "Goddess, please let the Pixies play one more time for me. Pretty please."
And being a sucker for childish antics, she said, "o.k".

In 2004,they played at Coachella and I forked over alot of cash to see one band. Sure Radiohead was there as were dozens of other bands but i was there for the Pixies.

It was hot and I was sweaty and I had gone with a "friend" and we weremt talking then but she bartered with me. She drives and I pay for the tix.

I waited in the dessert sun and out comes this old,balding man and a balding drummer and even Joey Santiogo had lost his hair. Kim, (the famale bassist looked older but still very cool.)

Was I going to be dissapointed? I waited for their first note and then the drums to Bone Machine played and I jumped up and down to their amazing music. The crowd was all one organism moving collectively to the vibrations of sound. I lost track of time and I was one with the music.

After they played their last song I walked away thinking, "wow those old people can still rock."

The Best Band Ever

Winning Caption: "The booty popping contest is over there..."

Congrats to Quicy from Thank,Q for Common Sense. You win one of my used books. I had plenty of funny captions but this one made me chuckle the loudest. Email me and tell me where you want me to send you your prize.

6-7-11 jokes

Anthony Weiner has confessed to sending a collge girl suggestive pictures of himself in his underwear. If you thought this was bad, wait till he gets his Hanes on you.

A new study suggests that the drug Aromasin cuts breast cancer incidence by 65%. Futher research is still needed. I say we take a hands on approach.

Brigitte Nielsen says that she had an intimate affair with Arnold Schwarzenegger during the filming of the movie "Red Sonja". She admits she knew the fling would only last as long as the shoot. Isn't that how it always ends?

A man in Utah has been charged with disorderly conduct after he paid his medical bills with 2500 pennies. Normally, I would add my two cents here but I don't want trouble.

In Los Angeles there is an employment services that specializes in placing senior women for domestic staffing needs. Its called Rent-a-Grandma. For an extra fee, Maddona will even sing to your kids.

Facebookland , Real life and what is a friend and...

I had en episode recently that has made me re-evalaute how and why we socialize.

A few days ago I received an email by an old "Friend" (emphasized for a key reason) who found me on Facebook. I don't have my pic on Facebook but I drop just enough clues that would be known by those few who know me.

This friend and I go way back. I mean way back. We met at the Community College. She wore alot of black and she smoked alot and was very cynical and guarded. We got along great.

I hung out at her place alot and we were really good friends. I even hooked her up with one of my rapper friends who laid on top of her and said, "What's my name?". Later he asked her for duckets (cash) cuz he needed gas money.

One Christmas I invited her to my mom's house on Christmas to eat Tamales because she didn't have familiy in the States. We once took a bus to Hollywood for the hellof it. Once I had her debate the legalization of prostitution with a homeless guy outside of Tang's donuts in Los Angeles. I videotaped that "debate".

We were good friends. I thought so.

She then moved to Santa Monica, CA, then New Jersey and then she just vanished. I hadn't heard from her until I received her email.

I wrote back, "Hey psycho what's your number?"

And she wrote verbatim:

What the hell, I'm not ready to speak to you on the phone, how long has it been? Email me (email given)with a summary of your life from the past decade before we proceed.

I wrote back:
Forget I asked. That's lame.

I was taken back by that comment. I always considered us friends because I believe that once a friend, always a friend. Perhaps I'm old fashioned.

I called up my sisted and discussed, what I perceived as a diss.

She offered some great insights. She said, "In Facebookland people can be whatever they want you to perceive. It's safe. A phone call represents the real world." In short, FB alows you to keep people at a safe distance.

Am I missing something here? Is there a different set of norms and ettiquette to Facebook that doesn't translate to real life. Does "friend" have a dual meaning. Am I living in a parallel world where wanting to rekindle a friendship needs to pass several layers of scrutiny?

I'd like to hear your opinion.

Facebook in Real Life

jokes 5-30-11

Speaking about "American Idol", Steven Tyler said the show sucks. Have you seen his lips? He knows sucking.

Scientists now believe that the moon may have had more water than previously believed. I could have told you that. Cheese contains water duh.

Arriving in a motorcycle, Sarah Palin kicked off her bus tour this Memorial Day weekend. She was inspired by Obama’s throw Israel under the bus tour.

This Wednesday, Candice Crawford will get married to Dallas Cowboys quarterback, Tony Romo, if she can get pass the guards.

After being sworn in as the new Nigerian President, Goodluck Jonathan said he wants to unite the feuding North and South regions. Nigeria please.

Lindsey Lohan was ordered to begin her house arrest. She asked the judge, “Where will I find giant handcuffs?

ADD and Bingo, bad idea

This holiday weekend didn't go quite as planned. I don't plan things well and so I was home and my girlfriend was bored and wanted to do something "fun" and she was itching to leave the house and go anywhere anywhere anywhere (sing along to The Smiths). The converstaion was typical:

Her: "So what are we going to do?"
Me: "I don't know what do you want to do?"
Her: "let's leave the house."
Me: "Yeah it is sunny."
Her: "You never plan anything fun."
Me: (admiting defeat) "Whatever you want to do, I'll do."

Here is the thing folks. I do have an opinion but that's not what's important. What's important is that I minimize the pain of my decisions if they deviate from what my girlfriend wants to do. The equation looks something like this:

MD+ME = X

If P of HD-MD = or is greater than X, HD prevails.

MD (My decision)
ME (My enjoyment)
HD (Her decision)
P (pain)

WE'RE OFF TO BINGO

I have never played Bingo in a Bingo hall. Oh my goodness. It was a trip to be surrounded by future Florida retirees. The hall was huge and I thought it would be easy to hear a letter and number and punch it on a paper. I couldn't be more wrong.

The rules sounded like Sudoku to me. I thought that if you completed a line, that was bingo. OH no, each game has different rules. There are wild card numbers that get scratched automatically, there are certain shapes that must be completed in one or more cards, and we had a Samoan lady breaking down the science of the game.

My head was spinning. Old ladies are laughing at my stupididy as I'm trying to get clarity on the rules. "Can the line be vertical or can it diagonal?"

They read the numbers super fast also. "I punch the number, you remember the winning shapes o.k?" I petition my girlfriend." "No you have to remember the rules too!"
I gave up. They went so fast that It resembled the nasdaq movement at Wall Street.

THE SECOND ANNOUNCER
While I was baffled in the first round, I can lay blame on myself. However, things would get worse. They switched announcers and he mumbled! I swear he was Charlie Brown's teacher. After he read I asked myself, "did he say B or G?" He rambled another number. "WHAT!" I yellled in disgust. "WHAT?" My girlfriend wants to laugh but she's semi-embarassed by my antics. I order stale nachos and play two more games before conceding defeat.

I will be back and I will master this complex game but if Charlie Brown's teacher is there, I'm walking out.

P.S I'm still having issues with Blogger as I can't leave messages on certain blogs so don't think that I'm not reading.

Flashback Friday - The time we thought our "dates" a lesson

Years ago a buddy and me went on a double date with these two blond girls. One grew up in Whittier and was kind of a party girl. I didn't know her cousin but she was going to be Edgar's date. Edgar was a friend I've known since high school.

The plan was to go to a comedy show in Hollywood at a place called "The Palace". They usually have music concerts there but back in the day they also had comedy shows.

We park and we have to wait in line. Right away, I knew the date wasn't going well.

My date to her cousin: "Oooh he's cute"
Cousin: "Yeah"
My date: "Go talk to him. I would"

This goes on for about 10 minutes and my buddy and I gave each other that look that said, "Oh payback is a bitch."

Now here is the thing. Our dates don't owe us anything but perhaps just a little respect. I found the firting a tad disrespectful. The girls flirted their way to the front row. The show was o.k, I guess. I was too pissed to remember any part of it.

When we exit and are outside, my date flips and wants to act "sweet". It was very cold outside. "So are you going to give me your jacket?" she asks. "No". (silence)

We get to my car and I have a plan. "Edgar sit in the front." I tell him. The girls sit in the back and I lower my windows and let the artic winds rape their faces and hair. It was freezing. I wasn't done.

I stopped by my old "hood" in East Los Angeles at the Estrada Courts Projects. I tell Edgar to follow me. I tell the girls, "wait here I'll be right back." I visit a friend and I'm just staring at my watch trying to figure out how much torture was enough.

As soon as I approach the car my date goes off on me.
"Are you crazy!!! Are you crazy!!!! Leaving two white girls in the projects with the windows down. That is disrespectful!"

I snapped back. "You want to talk about respect?!

They got the message. The ride back was silent and cold (for them).

(In a sad side note, the main suspect in the beating of the San Francisco Giants fan is from the VNE gang. It is located in the exact spot where I took the girls.)

My new segment - If objects could talk

Have you ever asked yourself, "What would an apple say if it could talk?" Or What do my shoes think of me? No? Well some of us do ask such profound questions o.k. Don't judge. In the next weeks, I will take you behind the mind of inanimate objects if they had minds, feelings and personalities. I have missed my last two sessions with my therapist and I think that it's starting to show. Enjoy.

BTW Blogger is preventing me from commenting on some blogs but I swear I read your blogs

If objects could talk - Remote Control

jokes 5-23-11

Armpio Pharmaceuticals said that its drug to treat premature ejaculation showed significant results. The evidence is overwhelming. It would stand up in court.

This Saturday, the rapture was interrupted by a smashing elbow from Randy 'macho man" savage. Oh yeah! (R.I.P)

Astronomers have confirmed the existence of dark energy in the cosmos. This may explain why the universe appears to be expanding. White flight.

In Missouri, tornado Joplin has caused devastation killing 116. Meanwhile, in Oklahoma, the state was rocked by another twister named Dirk.

DNA samples obtained from the clothing of the maid have confirmed that it belonged to Strauss-Hahn. Police still want to interview Colonel Mustard and Professor Plum.

Speaking of maids, I'm starting to think that they wield tremendous power. One brings down the head of the IMF. Another, took out ex E-bay CEO Meg Whitman, and recently one terminated the marriage of the terminator and Maria. (Memo from Maria Shriver: I won't be back)

A Tribute, Comedy, and my Bladder

Tonight I went to Hollywood to a tribute to the late, Mitch Hedberg. To those that may not know who he is, he is perhaps my favorite comedian. The guy was super funny and original and a true comedy legend. Even in his apparent simplicity, his jokes contain a depth and originality that is mind blowing. He was a comics' comic and he was known to be super shy but very generous and had a gentle soul. In 2005, he died a very young man. It is believed that he had a heart condition that led to his death. But it is also no secret that he did drugs. "I used to do drugs. I still do but I used to too."

The tribute was organized by his late wife Lynn Shawcroft. It was held at the Steve Allen Theatre on Hollywood Boulevard. The crowd ranged from young, old male, female, comedians, weirdos, and everyone in between.

Rare footage was shown in Mitch doing a live set at some small comedy club. Later several comedians performed including Nick Thune, Kyle Kinane, Garfunkel and Oates, and Morgan Murphy. The comedians were very funny and I tried my best to enjoy the show but then my dick began to betray me and it conspired with my bladder to make me look bad.

Early on, I had to piss but the trouble was that in order to use the bathroom, I had to walk to the front of the stage. I tried to hold it in. I tried everything. I meditated, I ignored it, I pinched the northern region, I shook my foot like I had restless leg syndrome.

One comedian finished and I thought I had a break to the restroom and then the host would beging, "coming to the stage..." Now I can't go and my leg is vibrating and I can't even hear half the jokes that the comedians are saying. I felt moisture in my pants. THANK GOD I'M WEARING BLACK JEANS.

I now have a to strategize. How many punchlines before my pants resembles Mississippi (too soon sorry). More squirts out! How old am I...three?

The next comedian finishes and I run to the bathroom faster than cousins at the border.

Relief.

I have to shower now.

Mitch Hedberg - A true comedy genius

Jokes 5-17-11

In China, a girl was born with two heads. She was named Sum Tin Wong.

Dominique Strauss Kahn, the head of International Monetary Fund has been jailed on allegations that he tried to rape a hotel maid. Speaking of rape, did I mention that he is jail?

The pope has issued new guidelines to bishops all over the world on how it will handle suspected cases of sex abuse. He also distributed condoms and candy.

Inspired by Facebook, An Israeli couple has named their baby “Like” The Dad should also change his name to “What’s on your Mind?”

After 45 years of being the host of the MDA telethon, Jerry Lewis is walking away. Why rub it in?

On Monday, the U.S hit the debt ceiling at $14.3 trillion. On Tuesday, The U.S stopped answering calls from China that began, “this is an attempt to collect a debt…”

I believe the children are our future ....We're f***ed

Being Mexican, I am acutely aware of the negative stereotypes about my peeps. So it doesn't help when I see shit that makes me scratch my head and say, no wonder they think we're ghetto. In this sense, we are similar to blacks and my man Q will back me up on this. Quincy from Thank Q For Common Sense had a recent article where the theme and conclusion was that there is nothing fabulous about being "ghetto fabulous." I have to agree. " Exhibit #1:

BABY T-SHIRTS AT THE MONTEBELLO TOWN CENTER

I went to the mall and had to take a picture of the baby shirts that proud Mexican parents can buy their children:

"Daddy's Lil Homie" - I just love the indoctrination that this shirt will produce. For those who grew up in the burbs and don't know what a "homie" is, it's like a good friend except that the term homie comes from "homeboy" which is a term used synonymous with gang member. Good job Daddy. Maybe you can offer tips on doing drive by shootings.

"Half Beaner" - I have to admit this is kinda funny but can I can't imagine other races doing similar things. Imagine Jews having shirts that read: Half Kike or Arab babies wearing 1/2 camel jockey tees. You get the point.

"I love Boobies" - Who is the soccer mom that will buy Jr the shirt that virtually guarantees that he will grow up to be a pervert lurking behind every dark corner with a trench coat and vaseline.

"My Mom is hot" - Are some women so insecure that they have to have their kids be walking billboards? The kid wearing this shirt should really be wearing a shirt that reads, "Mommy doesn't really like condoms and she makes poor choices. I'm proof."

Shouldn't they have seen this coming?

As seen on Greenleaf Boulevard -Uptown Whittier, CA

Jokes 5-5-11

Today is Cinco De Mayo, a time when Mexican Americans ask, Why Should the Irish be the only ones with a day to get drunk.

Henry Cavil, who plays "Superman" is engaged to his kleptomaniac girlfriend, Ellen Whitaker. Afterall, he is the man of steal. (yes, it will get worse)

In Japan they have created a machine that simulates "French Kissing". It will soon be available in stores everywhere right next to World of Warcraft.

The price of oil tumbled 7% as demand for it sunk. In fact, it sunk so low that it is now dating Snooki.

A study out of the Netherlands has concluded that sex and coffee may trigger a stroke. Except in my case. I drink coffee before I stroke my trigger. (sometimes the best part of waking up is just waking up)

Octomom's fertility doctor might lose his license. If he does, he will be octo gone (told you it would get worse)

The Syrian army has started to pull out of Daraa. I don't know Daraa but she better carry condoms.

At the time of his death, it appears that Osama Bin Laden had an escape plan since he had money stitched to his clothes. Either that or he was recently married and was doing his first dance.

Jokes 5-2-11

It was the elite Seal Team Six that was responsible for killing Bin Laden. They have a new slogan: Bin There. Done that.

A top U.S official has confirmed that Bin Laden attempted to use one of his wives as a shield when U.S Forces began shooting him. Unfortunately, she was wearing her Target shirt.

Now that Bin Laden has been captured one lucky Pakistani is left wondering: How many camels will $25 million get me?

Is "Pakistan" the name of a country or a statement about a guy named Pak that likes the sun?

Bin Laden was given a religious funeral prior to being buried at sea. His supporters are outraged. He can't swim!

Many republicans are using the news of Obama's killing to advocate the policy of torture, Or as it is commonly known as: Watching Fox News.