Friday, December 31, 2010

In Retrospect

Wow, the year has come to an end and I had my share of struggles and minor victories. Even as I write this, my throat is sore and I have a nagging cough. In the last few weeks, you may have noticed a decline in the volume of material that I have produced and perhaps even a decline in the quality as well. This I can attribute to just being sick and having less times as work has picked up.

I want to first of all thank the regular readers and contributors. I also want to ask for forgiveness for not being very active in leaving comments, especially lately. As I get more time, I promise to be more engaging. I have been inspired and have learned alot from the many bloggers that have very unique points of views.

I'm always curious to know why people blog in the first place. Think about it. 99.99%of the Bloggers here have to do something besides blogging to "pay the bills". I'm no different. So why then do I blog?

Here is my blogging story. Before I blogged I was and am a great fan of stand up comedy. I think it's one of the purest art forms that there is. In my early 20's I used to go to "Tortilla's" in Montebello,CA. to watch the comedians tell jokes. Sometimes I would even go by myself and just enjoy the performances.

I saw many great comedians there. I saw Felipe Esparza, (Most Recent Winner of Last Comic Standing) Alonzo Bodden, Jeff Garcia, Willie Barcena, and countless others. On Several occasions a little known boxer named Oscar De La Hoya would frequent that place. It was bizzare to go to a dive bar and see his lamborghini in the parking lot!
True story: I took a piss in a stall right next to Oscar De La Hoya.

I remained a fan of comedy. Many years passed and I would buy comedy c.d's and DVD's and see comedians on the internet but that was it. Then one day I went on a business trip to Philadelphia and while I was there, my girlfriend (that I lived with at the time) left me. I came home to an empty apartment. It was pretty traumatic but I had my family for moral support. I ended up living with my sister for a while until things got better.

During this time I had more time for myself and I asked myself, "What do I enjoy most? I concluded that it was comedy. I joined Meet Up and joined a stand up comedy group. I studied stand up more and I eventually wrote a bunch of abstract one-liners until I had a routine. I began performing at several opem mikes. I would get nervous and do shitty but I enjoyed it.

At one open mike, a pretty known local comedian saw my routine and said he liked my stuff. The next time I saw him he said he would pay me if I wrote for him. I was making money writing jokes! Hollywood here I come. I got paid several times and then it stopped. I don't know why. I then got lazy and stopped performing. Meanwhile that comedian is very active and performs all the time and has mad connections.

During this time I was also very interested in writing monologue jokes like I do on this blog. But before putting it out, I had to see if I could do it. I looked at the jokes of other comedians that do monologue jokes like Conan, Letterman, and Bob Zany. At first it was very difficult and time consuming.

The NY Times used to have a blog called Laughlines that would allow writers from all over the world submit jokes and if they liked your stuff, they would post it on their site and since they are The NY Times, the exposure was huge. I sent in my stuff and at first I wasn't chosen. But then I became a regular and this gave me confidence that I was o.k. Then some business guy/gal at the Times decided to end that blog. It was a sad day. But I had gotten used to writing on a regular basis. Thus this blog.

I still wanted to do jokes but I wanted to add personal stories and observations as well as videos and pictures. The site is stll evolving but I'm constantly looking to not bore the reader. In the future I plan on adding more stories and perhaps do joint projects with other bloggers. I'm open to suggestions and feedback.


I'm glad the new year is here. 2010 was filled with financial hardships. unemployment,depression,insomnia, and laughter. At the same time, tragedy is the flipside of comedy. Even in the midst of my depression, I sought refuge in humor. When I had my health scare, I relied on humor to get me though the day. Things are getting a little bit better. I'm working. I still have this blog and I still have the desire to create. I will also get back to stand up comedy as well and I'll try my best to add more videos as well.

Why blog?
Instead of answering that question directly, I'll answer by way of an illustration.
A while back I attended an open mike at the Gypsey Den in Santa Ana, CA. It is a coffee shop. The open mike was pretty much just musicians on their guitars that played from their hearts. I was inspired to witness these performers put their hearts and soul into every lyric and stroke of their guitar for 5 minutes. It was a small place and the crowds wasn't that big. On top of that, they weren't paid. The reward was in something unseen. I blog for the unseen. May you continue to laugh and ponder in 2011.

To all Bloggers: Thank You and have a great 2011!


A Michigan man is being charged for felony computer misuse and is facing 5 years in jail for logging into the email account of his cheating wife. Instead of looking at Facebook, he will just have a wall and may get poked by a bunch of strangers.

After setting a sports record for 90 consecutive wins, the end of UConn's women basketball run ended after losing to Stanford. It was an emotional game for UConn and the 8 lesbians that follow women's basketball.

Kathy Griffin is under a microscope for hosting CNN's New Year Countdown after she dropped an F bomb on the air. This isn't new to her. Her stand up show constantly bombs.

John Mellencamp and his wife of 20 years have ended their marriage. Oh yeah life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone...

Candace Cameron, who played D.J Tanner on "Full House" has written a book and reveals that she battled with Bulimia. It's good that she is getting it out of her system.

After much speculation, it has been reported that Jersey Shores's "Snooki" will not be dropped from the New Year's Eve Ball in Times Square. Instead she will be dropped by a left hook to the jaw.

Kodac said that after 75 years it will stop producing the Kodachrome film used in making pictures. I getter get my 5 pounds of negative rolls developed soon.
(Time flies).

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Don't let jail prevent marriage

Journey Grandpa - taped a few weeks ago

I taped the guy below a few weeks ago at a bar near La Puente, CA. The guy had a blast he was dancing the night away and was a source of inspiration. This old man reminded me that age is just a number. I bring you Journey Grandpa. And I won't stop Believing.

Journey Grandpa

Friday, December 24, 2010

Flashback Friday - How "Jessica" almost caused my death twice!

When I was in high school, I ran with the hip hop heads. Most of my friends used to rap,dj,do graffiti or danced. I guess you can say that I ran with thug-looking people but they weren't dangerous. In fact, many were very talented.

I was the leader of a local "crew" of rappers and we dressed hard; the baggy jeans, Los Angeles Kings T-shirts, the White T shirts, and the "fresh" Adidas (Yes it was a long time ago). Several of my friends wore fisherman hats ala EPMD, jerseys, and sports jackets. We used to show up at backyard parties with a mic in our hand and rapped to instrumentals while our dj would scratch. Once in a while, a dance battle would go off.

Back then the party scene was huge. Everybody was in a party crew. This consisted of a group of guys and girls that would get together for the sake of partying and making money. We woud print out flyers and hit the streets promoting a party and charge like $2-$3 dollars at the door. The DJ got a cut, the promoters got a cut and the owner of the house got a cut. The social scene in L.A at the time was crazy as people also cruised "Whittier Boulevard" in East L.A as they headed east towards Whittier and Pico Rivera.

During this time you also had the traditional gangsters (Cholos). They were o.k with party crews as long as you respected their "hood" and let their gangsters in for free. It was an unspoken rule that gangsters from the neighborhood where the party was being thrown get in for free. Also, it was generally understood that gangsters from other neighborhoods would not step foot in a party if it was in enemy territory.

Everyone knew everyone and there was always beef but it was normal to us.

I was good friends with a crew of girls from Whittier. There was one girl named Jessica that was pretty wild. She started going out with a gangster named "Snoopy" and he was from a hard core gang. One day my friend Jessica asks me, "Do you know Snoopy?" I innocently responded, "Yeah doesn't he have a girlfriend that works at Chuck E. Cheese's?"

"OH HE DOES?" She said that in that tone thet Mexican chicks do when they are pissed. It's similar to when sistas' say "Oh no he didn't".

What I didn't know was that "Snoopy" and his girl had split but somehow it got around to Snoop that I was bad mouthing him. Word on the street was that he was after me. Snoopy was a big, broad guy with a Rocky Marciano flat nose and bad skin. He also had tiny piercing eyes.

"Dude Snoopy hates you" said my friend Pablo.
"Tell him that I'm cool. You know me"
"I tried telling him but he's nuts!" He is the type that will go off on his own friends. Once he just started socking his friend for no reason."

Great I had a psychopath after me. On top of that he had anger issues.

At every party I went to I heard the same thing, "I heard Snoopy is after you".

I would see him at a distance one in a while and I did my best to look brave but I was scared. I avoided going into his neighborhood to avoid seeing him.

Once I went to a party in a neighborhood of Snoopy's enemy with a few friends. And who do I see? SNOOPY! and not the one created by Charles Schulz.

He approaches me slowly (heart rate is increasing fast). He moves 2 feet away from me (palms are getting sweaty).

"I heard you're talking shit about me" He said this very slow like the Godfather except that he was a Mexican Cholo. He continued. "Do you know who I am?"
I said, "Albert". He corrected me. "NO Snoopy from Gang X" (which will remain anonymous just to be safe.)

"Listen if I have a problem with someone I'll tell them to their face." I said this hoping that my confidence would convince him that I was tough, second only to Chuck Norris.

"Is that right?" Snoopy responded. Then he would pause and just stare at me.
"Is that right?" It got slower each time he said that.
"Is that right?" O.K do you know how freaking scary this is?

Then he reached around his waist towards his back pocket like he was going for a gun.

I put both my hands out in a defensive posture. "Hey calm down!". "Calm down!".
He gave me a long stare and walked away. I did not see a gun and it was very likely that he just wanted to scare me and he was successful in doing that.

I never saw him after that but my friends love starting a conversation with, "remember when Snoopy was after you?"

Stay tune next week when I describe how Jessica almost had me killed by a giant Mexican rapper named Latin Lover.

To all of the blogging community. I want to thank you guys for the insights and entertainment that you guys provided me this year. Have a safe Holiday. Thank you guys for being the motivation behind this humble blog. Also remember that if you ever want to terrorize your enemies, just remember these three words:

"Is that right?"
(it works)

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

An open letter to Flu

Dear Flu:

You are a liar! The last time we were reunited you promised me that you would leave me alone if I took better care of myself and I did my part.

I played tennis, jumped rope, did push ups, and ate food that was green. In addition, I drank green tea on a regular basis. I even forced myself to eat raw garlic each night. But so far only women and vampires have evaded me.

I kept my end of the bargain but you failed to live up to yours. Being bed ridden has given me a chance to look back on certain events that offer a clue into your "character" and I use that term lightly.

I learned that you don't discriminate. Little Susie looks cute mispronouncing words and making hats out of paper cups but did you let Little Susie be a happy kid? No! you waited and waited and when you saw the opporunity, you entered her system. I would describe in greater detail how you did that but I took very few science classes in college. But that's besides the point.

I like how you enter a room at social events, univited and remain silent and incognito and you do that stupid smirk that is supposed to be cute and everyone falls for it but not me! I have seen that look before. It was right before I started coughing up yellow stuff.

It was also very sneaky how you "Networked" with some of the plants and trees so that they could release pollen on command causing thousands of people to sneeze all over the world. Don't think that I didn't see you and your virus friends in the midsts of those sneezes. Check your Facebook tomorrow I have tagged MANY pictures of you and your Virus buddies being douches.

I'm exposing you for what you are to the blogging community. Your secrecy used to be your power but now you have been exposed like a corrupt politician banging a prostitute. I'm warning everyone to avoid going to the spots that you like to frequent such as bars and inside the mouths of anyone because as we have established you are like a student on Saturday. NO CLASS.

I was starting to feel guilty about the pain I caused you when I gulped that orange juice and that Robitussin. But I thought about all the pain you have caused me and the guilt turned to anger. Don't think for a second that I don't hear your screams. Oh I hear them. I'm not deaf, I'm ignoring you.

This is your last chane to leave on your own accord and to keep your word. If not I may be forced to take a flu shot and if that doesn't kill you, a tequila shot.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


Chris Brown has graduated from a court-ordered course on domestic violence and received his certificate of completion. He celebrated by framing that award and smashing it over the head of his new girlfriend.

Phillip R. Greaves, author of "Pedophile's Guide to Love an Pleasure" was arrested for obscenity charges. This caused quite a scene at Chuck. E. Cheese's.

Mississippi Governor, and potential 2012 GOP presidential candidate, Haley Barbour is in hot water for his views about what was occuring in Mississippi during the height of the Civil Rights Movement, saying, ” I just don’t remember it as being that bad.” His bid for the presidency will be over in one Mississippi two Mississippi, three Mississippi.

Lindsey Lohan's problems keep compounding. She is under investigation for an alleged battery attack at the Betty Ford Clinic. Duracell will file criminal charges.

A mouse viral link that has was reported to be the cause of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is being challenged in 4 studies. I was going to read those 4 reports but I'm too freaking tired.

In Los Angeles, many people are looking forward to watching the lunar eclipse this Tuesday night. Actually, after the rain cleared the smog, they are happy to just see the moon.

Betty White was Voted the 2010 Entertainer Of The Year by AP. Because of her advanced age, they weren't sure if this was going to be an award or a Eulogy.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

This song puts me in a trance

I made the mistake of being around people

Folks I'm sick! and like all men I'm acting like a baby and demanding your sympathy. I'm usually alone and these last few days I made the mistake of joining the human race and socializing and the end result is illness. Ever notice that hermits rarely get sick? My stomach is doing somersaults and I feel weak like Al Gore's campaign when he ran for president. I'm reaching out to the blogging community for help. What secret potion, spell or medicine will cure me? I need all the help I can get. (cough,cough, flem, stomach growl, fart, sneeze). Help please!

Monday, December 13, 2010

In defense of Hip Hop

Sorry guys I'm sick so I haven't posted my regular monologue jokes but as soon as my health improves I shall. Instead I want to talk a little bit about hip-hop.

I'll begin with the premise that most know very little about hip-hop and the few that have an opinion on hip hop or "rap" hate it. However, those that follow hip hop or were a part of the scene like I was have a great appreciation for it. The purpose of this posting is to stand up for an artform that has been somewhat bastardized and under appreciated. It is my desire that if you are a skeptic of the artform that you would be open to it's rich history before dismissing it out right.

According to K.R.S One. Hip Hop as we know it began with in the South Bronx with Cool Herc. Before Hip Hop was the money making machine that is is now, it was the art of the poor youth in the Bronx. Kids would meet at the park or in the community centers and just dance and have fun. Kool Herc had the loudest sound system and he had "break beats" which were instrumental beats in soul or funk records. He discovered that if he had two of the same break beats, and he played them at the same time, he could go back and forth on his mixer. Thus spawning the birth of the modern day d.j!

He was Jamaican and in Jamaica, they used to have these parties were the emcee or M.C (Master of Ceremony) would act as a "Hype man" encouraging the party goers to have fun and party. He brought that format from Jamaica to New York and brought that party atmosphere. Back then, the music had different vibe. It was all about unity, partyng, having fun and peace. During this same time in the 70's, New York had a gang problem but one gang member from the "black spades" decided to focus his energy on uniting everyone through hip-hop. His name was Afrika Bambaataa. He is probably best known for his song "Planet Rock" but he was an advocate of using music and art to unite people. He started the Zulu nation which is in existence today.

As the parties became larger, the artforms became more developed. It is generally accepted that hip hop has several elements: The M.C, The Dj, Graffitti, beat-boxing and dancing or b-boying. The Bronx looked like a war zone in the 70's. The place was tore up and there was alot of white flight as many of the Whites in the Brons moved to the suburbs. In addition, building owners were burning down the buildings to get paid on the insurance money. The place was a shit hole.

Yet in the midst of this hell, these poor Black, Puertorican, and Jewish kids survived by inventing an artform that is now a world-wide phenomenom. These poor kids wrote songs, created dance moves, made music, and were the pioneers of so many things that are taken for granted today. It was through their art that they escaped their environment. Their contribution to pop culture today can't be over-emphasized.

Even the art of Keith Haring was copied from the graffiti writers that he met in New York. But like many inventors, it was the future generations that reaped the rewards of their labor.

Below is a clip of the Best hip hop movie ever made. The acting is sub-par but what the movie "Wildstyle" did is it captured an era in hip hop when the art was pure. Many in the film are now well known legends. For example "Lady Pink" opened an art Studio and her pieces have been featured on the Metropolitan Museum of American Art. Lee Quinones (The main actor in the film) has sold his artwork to Eric Clapton for hundreds of thousands of dollars. His work is also well renowned. Fab 5 Freddy was the host on Yo MTV Raps.

I hope that even the most skeptical of readers can have an appreciation for an artform that has been lost to corporate interests. I'm just asking that you guys keep an open mind.

World's Best Hip Hop Movie

Rod Serling predicted the future!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Flashback Friday - My Grandma's Wake. A funny incident that wasn't meant to be.

When my grandmother passed away I was very emotional because she represented so many things to me. She was the catalyst. She is the one that decided to come to America and leave "El Salto" - a little town in Mexico. She was filled with old school wisdom and a simple, yet deep outlook on life. She wasn't formally educated but she knew alot about life. Whenever you were full from a meal and said "man I'm full", she would always say "dale gracias a dios (thank God). Whenever I was rushed and lost stuff she would gently remind me, "Cuando tienes prisa has las cosas mas despasio" (When rushed, slow down). As she got older anytime I asked her how she was she would respond with dead pan humor: "Como el mango, vien chupado" (like a mangoe sucked up.) She was very funny.

The night we had the wake, tons of family was there as you could imagine. Seeing everyone there was comforting. Next to my grandmother's wake, in the next room, was an Asian wake. I think they were Filipino.

My mother is a teacher and had invited several people to attend in addition to the known family members. As the room became full, I notice an Asian lady walk in to my grandmother's wake. She looks a little bit lost. I tell her, "It's next door". My mother recognizes the lady and calls her over. This caused my sisters and cousins to errupt in laughter. It was loud. They found my racial profiling hillarious. "I wasn't trying to be funny. I thought she was looking for the Asian wake" I kept repeating. The damage was done.

My mother said that she apologized to the lady for my oversight. The moral here? Don't profile! unless you are in charge of security at the airport. I think somewhere in Heaven my grandma found this funny, if heaven has interpreters.


A recent scientific study shows that Denosumab, also known as Xgeva is effective in preventing bone loss. However, the most effective prescription to not only decrease bone loss but significantly improve bone production is Viagra.

The show "The Hasselhoffs" has been canceled after two episodes because of poor ratings. He plans on recharging his career with the Hollywood, fool-proof method. Be on the look out for the sex tape: Hoffer Does Dallas.

The FAA is forcing airplane owners to re-register their planes after they admitted that they could not account for 120,000 planes. They are also trying to regain the radar signal they lost on Amelia Earhart.

Retired witch and Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell recently compared the tax cuts that Obama made to extend unemployment with the Pear Harbor attacks. This explains why she launched a grenade at her tax man.

Jillian Michaels announced via twitter that she is leaving "The Biggest Loser". Executives for the show say that they can retain the ratings without her. Fat Chance.

A former Goldman Sachs programmer has been found guilty of stealing computer codes that enabled them to trade faster. This shows once again that they didn't deserve a bail out. They should be out on bail.

Jessica Simpson's clothing line has brought in three quarter of a billion dollar in sales.She is getting ready to announce her new line this Spring aptly called "Payback Bitches"

A woman from Baytown,Texas was jailed for failing to attend a court hearing regarding unreturned,library books. She will have to serve several months in jail and pay for or return the books "Overcoming Procrastination" and "Late".

Thursday, December 9, 2010

I have kept a secret from you - A tale of rejection and redemption

Remember a while back when I had discussed the depression I experienced for being unemployed? Remember how I announced to you guys that I got a job?

Well all of that did happen but I left out one fact: They fired my ass! I couldn't face you guys and tell you how much of a failure I felt like so I remained silent until now. I didn't get the Donald Trump firing. The employment agency resorted to euphemisms: "You're assignment has ended."

Now the details. I had gottten a typical office job and I was excited to leave my couch and not anguish over whether Jamal is or isn't the father of Keisha's baby. I knew that it wasn't my dream job but after getting so many rejections, I felt like the ugly girl at school that finally got asked to prom. "Yes I'd love to take you up on you offer!"

The people at my new job were kinda ghetto and not that smart. True story. We were learning the software and were looking at mock files that we had access to for training purposes. Somewhat had written the following in the notes section:

"Customer appears hostel"

The girls next to me grabs my attention and points to the note and laughs. "Look that person said said the customer was hostel. She was amused. "You know it should be hostile right? spelled h-o-s-t-i-l-e" I tell her. "NO it's hostel," she argues with me. "Hostile is an adjective" I try to explain. Then she busts out with this gem: "Didn't you see the movie Hostel? I said, "exactly, hostel is a place..." A minute later she says, "I think you are right. I asked myself, "what the fuck am I doing here?

The girl that did the training had a pierced mouth. In one of our training sessions, we had to read out loud (like you did in elementary school) portions of the manual regarding our computer software. One guy encountered the difficult word "QUEUE" - pronounced "kyu". He pronounced it "Kuwi". I was entertained.

On another occassion, we had training by a gay guy that aspired to be a comedian. He was about as funny as the word "The" but had the need to seek attention in an annoying way. He was in charge of monitoring what and how we say things on the phone. We had to follow a script verbatim and we also had to access 3 computer systems based on the type of account it was.

The whole system was void of logic and was cumbersome. It was alot of data that seemed random to me. I was lost. I felt "retarded" (you know what I mean). Yet everyone got it including the cavemen and the simpletons. I wanted to yell out, "I swear I'm not an idiot. I play chess! I can play a musical instrument. I graduated from an established university. I said nothing. I sat confused with a virtual dunce hat on me.

There was another guy that I met there that was very smart. He graduated from BYU in finance. We had interesting conversations on macro-economics and other interesting topics. He spoke a little bit of Spanish and the position required that you be fluent in Spanish.

I got a message on my cell phone. "Israel please call me immediately..." It was a lady from the job agency. I called her. "You're assignment has ended.". Cisco (the gay dude whose real name is Francisco)just feels that you are not quite getting the information fast enough." I agreed with that assesment. I told her that I'm a slow learner and that I would have gotten the information in due time; once I made sense of it.

I called my girlfriend and told her that I was fired. I laughed out loud while I waited for my Vietnamese Sandwich at Lee's. "I'm retarded. I can't follow simple orders." I repeated this over and over while questioning if I had mental problems.
Deep down I know that I found the job mundane and not very dynamic.

I got a call from the BYU guy and I immediately told him that I was fired. "Yeah they got rid of me too" he tells me. He went on "I feel like a loser. You have idiots killing it there. "They said my Spanish sucked." "You were too smart for the position" I tell him.

For the next few days I pondered in amusement if anyone would ask me to prom again. Then out of nowhere I get a call from a well respected agency that works with ending homelessness in Orange County, CA. I had submitted my resume along time ago and it was forwarded by my girlfriend's ex boss who now works there. I researched the company and I loved everthing this agency stood for. I set up an interview and I met with the ladies that work the program and the contrast from my last job was vast.

The ladies were articulate, passionate, clear, and very charasmatic. I was very comfortable at the interview. I decided I was going to just be myself, win lose or draw. I filled out an application and gave my references. My references including my ex boss spoke highly of me.

"Israel we would like to offer you the position!" I was excited and a little bit emotional. I was going to the prom again! This time my date was staying with me. During my job search process I kept telling myself that I needed to see "hope" and signs of hope to help keep me motivated. This was the hope I needed.

The position is part-time but because of my association to this agency, I had another interview yesterday with another program that would also offer me another part-time position which would make me a full time worker. In a week I will know.

So far I love my new job. I help homeless people get shelter and food. In addition, I place homeless mothers with kids in temporary housing with the ultimate goal of finding them permanent housing. In this short week of training my eyes have been opened to the humanity that exists out there. I tend to be somewhat of a cynic but I'm seeing a world of charity and compassion. The homeless people that I meet are so grateful to have a meal somewhere to sleep for the night.

I realized that there is alot of good people who are in bad situations. I hope this posting serves as a reminder that things can work out for the best if you experience setbacks and also that if you are struggling, you are not alone.

Ok enough sentimental crap! I want to apologize for my lackluster posts in these last few days. I've been busy with training but I promise to read and respond to you guys. Also regarding the caption contest, the funniest caption will win a prize of a used book and some other surprise. The winner needs to give me an address to mail the prize to. I will also try my best to conjure up some jokes if time allows. You guys are awesome and I want to thank you guys for reading my blog. And to the newbies, let me know you are out there. I need to see hope for the blog as well.

Monday, December 6, 2010


Charles Manson was caught with a cell phone in prison. He was caught when his cell mate woke up to, "Can you fear me now?"

Steeler's quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger had his nose broken by a Raven's lineman. His new nickname: Big Bent.

A "Three Stooges" movie set to film in March is in need of the three actors after the original 3 declined. Auditions are being held for actors that can take a pie to the face, break every limb in their body, and get poked in the eye with two fingers.

Kim Kardashian was the highest grossing reality star in 2010 earning $6 million dollars. That's an asstronomical sum.

Walmart has teamed up with the Department of Homeland Security to implement a program called "if you see something say something" which is aimed at reporting suspicious or terrorists activities. To witness such activities, just go inside any Walmart.

The land that once belonged to the Unabomber can be yours if you have $70,000 and can avoid booby traps.

Prop 8, the California initiative that banned same-sex marriage has finally reached the Court of Appeals. Ironically, oral arguments against the proposition will be made by the Law Offices of Adam and Steve.

Which old school dance moves do you recognize?

Friday, December 3, 2010

Flashback Friday - The night I almost died in Hollywood

Back in the days when I was young and had balls, I went cruising the famous "Sunset Boulevard Strip" in Hollywood. We packed the cars like good Mexicans and parked on the side of the road; people watching on the strip. We were there to pick up on girls.

After 1/2 hour of watching cars roll by this girl caught my attention. She had her head sticking out of the sun roof and she had big breasts. I had two reasons to speak to her.

"Hey, let me jump in the car with you" I had nothing to lose. She waves me in. I look back to my friends feeling victorious. "I'll catch up with you guys later" I yelled to my crew while feeling like a pimp.

There was a female driver, a girl, and me. We were standing next to each other with our upper halves exposed to the open air. We looked around at the crowd like we were in a parade and I was the Grand Marshall.

I was sure to hook up. I look down and notice that "my girl" had a cast on. No big deal. We reached a red light and while we are waiting for the car to go, I noticed a "low rider" next to us (old card used by many gangsters in Los Angeles) filled with gangster, Mexican chicks. They were hard-core. I looked away.

One of the gangster chicks is mad-dogging (staring with provocation) "my girl" and words are exchanged.

"Fuck you bitch" my girl tells one of the gangsters
"What did you call me bitch? the gangster chick responds.

She gets out of the car and takes a swing at my girl. She grazed me in the process. We duck and get inside the car and we were off, burning rubber down Sunset Boulevard with a carload of gangster chicks chasing us. We lose them and we turn on a side street and park.

"I should have brought my gat"(gun) says the driver.
"What do you normally carry? I ask; You know the usual small talk.
"A 25"

Here is the strange part. Both of the girls had on nice dresses and were well groomed. They didn't look hard core at all. WTF!

My girl opens the trunk and gets a metal pipe and places it next to her leg just in case we run into those girls again. What are the odds?

My thoughts shifted from picking up to surviving the night.

"Can you take me back to my friends?" I ask the driver.

We return to Sunset Boulevard driving slow in the bumper to bumper traffic. There are brights lights and loud rap music everywhere. Around us,cops are pulling over drivers left and right.

We pull in to a Mc Donald's parking lot. I'm getting ready to get dropped off.
"Oh shit I think they are behind us" says the driver.
"Just drop me off. Security is here! I yell.
"Oh shit they saw me!" she continues.

She pushed down on the gas and we were in a high speed chase. She merged onto the 101South freeway and the gangsters were right behind us. We slowed down momentarily as we merged onto the freeway.

"West Side Wilmas! The gangster chicks kept yelling
"West Side Wilmas!"
They were throwing gang signs with their hands.
I sat in the car praying that bullets would not fly and hit me. I kept imagining the back window shattering but like a violent storm, they went away.

They ended up taking me home and it was long ride for them. I was thankful to be alive and I marvelled at the hoops that guys go through for a piece of ass.

(** West Side Wilmas is gang named after the city of Willmington in L.A For a lovely video about them check this out:

Addendum: Shady, the cast was on her arm. I wasn't very clear in the post above.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Louis CK - Being White


Yesterday marks the 55th anniversary that Rosa Parks, a black woman, refused to stand up in a bus. 55 years later, they are throwing our first black president under the bus.

Congress has failed to extend unemployment benefits for 2 million Americans. Even The Grinch that Stole Christmas was like "Dam that's heartless."

Obama said that he would not allow offshore drilling in the East Coast and Mexico unless Tiger Woods can get his stamina back.

After political pressure from the US, has decided to stop hosting the whistle-blowing website Wikileaks. Critics accuse the U.S of censorship and preventing free speech but I say

The Supreme Court is hearing a case that will examine whether to release criminals from jail as a result of over-crowding. Politicians are opposing this. They hate competition.

Fifty-six nations will attend the OSCE summit to address human trafficking. I hope they do something quick because my commute is hell and gas is expensive.

The biggest earthquake in 18 years has hit New York City. It measured 3.9 on the Madoff scale.