Friday, December 31, 2010
Wow, the year has come to an end and I had my share of struggles and minor victories. Even as I write this, my throat is sore and I have a nagging cough. In the last few weeks, you may have noticed a decline in the volume of material that I have produced and perhaps even a decline in the quality as well. This I can attribute to just being sick and having less times as work has picked up.
I want to first of all thank the regular readers and contributors. I also want to ask for forgiveness for not being very active in leaving comments, especially lately. As I get more time, I promise to be more engaging. I have been inspired and have learned alot from the many bloggers that have very unique points of views.
I'm always curious to know why people blog in the first place. Think about it. 99.99%of the Bloggers here have to do something besides blogging to "pay the bills". I'm no different. So why then do I blog?
Here is my blogging story. Before I blogged I was and am a great fan of stand up comedy. I think it's one of the purest art forms that there is. In my early 20's I used to go to "Tortilla's" in Montebello,CA. to watch the comedians tell jokes. Sometimes I would even go by myself and just enjoy the performances.
I saw many great comedians there. I saw Felipe Esparza, (Most Recent Winner of Last Comic Standing) Alonzo Bodden, Jeff Garcia, Willie Barcena, and countless others. On Several occasions a little known boxer named Oscar De La Hoya would frequent that place. It was bizzare to go to a dive bar and see his lamborghini in the parking lot!
True story: I took a piss in a stall right next to Oscar De La Hoya.
I remained a fan of comedy. Many years passed and I would buy comedy c.d's and DVD's and see comedians on the internet but that was it. Then one day I went on a business trip to Philadelphia and while I was there, my girlfriend (that I lived with at the time) left me. I came home to an empty apartment. It was pretty traumatic but I had my family for moral support. I ended up living with my sister for a while until things got better.
During this time I had more time for myself and I asked myself, "What do I enjoy most? I concluded that it was comedy. I joined Meet Up and joined a stand up comedy group. I studied stand up more and I eventually wrote a bunch of abstract one-liners until I had a routine. I began performing at several opem mikes. I would get nervous and do shitty but I enjoyed it.
At one open mike, a pretty known local comedian saw my routine and said he liked my stuff. The next time I saw him he said he would pay me if I wrote for him. I was making money writing jokes! Hollywood here I come. I got paid several times and then it stopped. I don't know why. I then got lazy and stopped performing. Meanwhile that comedian is very active and performs all the time and has mad connections.
During this time I was also very interested in writing monologue jokes like I do on this blog. But before putting it out, I had to see if I could do it. I looked at the jokes of other comedians that do monologue jokes like Conan, Letterman, and Bob Zany. At first it was very difficult and time consuming.
THE NY TIMES HUMOR BLOG
The NY Times used to have a blog called Laughlines that would allow writers from all over the world submit jokes and if they liked your stuff, they would post it on their site and since they are The NY Times, the exposure was huge. I sent in my stuff and at first I wasn't chosen. But then I became a regular and this gave me confidence that I was o.k. Then some business guy/gal at the Times decided to end that blog. It was a sad day. But I had gotten used to writing on a regular basis. Thus this blog.
I still wanted to do jokes but I wanted to add personal stories and observations as well as videos and pictures. The site is stll evolving but I'm constantly looking to not bore the reader. In the future I plan on adding more stories and perhaps do joint projects with other bloggers. I'm open to suggestions and feedback.
I'm glad the new year is here. 2010 was filled with financial hardships. unemployment,depression,insomnia, and laughter. At the same time, tragedy is the flipside of comedy. Even in the midst of my depression, I sought refuge in humor. When I had my health scare, I relied on humor to get me though the day. Things are getting a little bit better. I'm working. I still have this blog and I still have the desire to create. I will also get back to stand up comedy as well and I'll try my best to add more videos as well.
Instead of answering that question directly, I'll answer by way of an illustration.
A while back I attended an open mike at the Gypsey Den in Santa Ana, CA. It is a coffee shop. The open mike was pretty much just musicians on their guitars that played from their hearts. I was inspired to witness these performers put their hearts and soul into every lyric and stroke of their guitar for 5 minutes. It was a small place and the crowds wasn't that big. On top of that, they weren't paid. The reward was in something unseen. I blog for the unseen. May you continue to laugh and ponder in 2011.
A Michigan man is being charged for felony computer misuse and is facing 5 years in jail for logging into the email account of his cheating wife. Instead of looking at Facebook, he will just have a wall and may get poked by a bunch of strangers.
After setting a sports record for 90 consecutive wins, the end of UConn's women basketball run ended after losing to Stanford. It was an emotional game for UConn and the 8 lesbians that follow women's basketball.
Kathy Griffin is under a microscope for hosting CNN's New Year Countdown after she dropped an F bomb on the air. This isn't new to her. Her stand up show constantly bombs.
John Mellencamp and his wife of 20 years have ended their marriage. Oh yeah life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone...
Candace Cameron, who played D.J Tanner on "Full House" has written a book and reveals that she battled with Bulimia. It's good that she is getting it out of her system.
After much speculation, it has been reported that Jersey Shores's "Snooki" will not be dropped from the New Year's Eve Ball in Times Square. Instead she will be dropped by a left hook to the jaw.
Kodac said that after 75 years it will stop producing the Kodachrome film used in making pictures. I getter get my 5 pounds of negative rolls developed soon.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
I taped the guy below a few weeks ago at a bar near La Puente, CA. The guy had a blast he was dancing the night away and was a source of inspiration. This old man reminded me that age is just a number. I bring you Journey Grandpa. And I won't stop Believing.
Friday, December 24, 2010
When I was in high school, I ran with the hip hop heads. Most of my friends used to rap,dj,do graffiti or danced. I guess you can say that I ran with thug-looking people but they weren't dangerous. In fact, many were very talented.
I was the leader of a local "crew" of rappers and we dressed hard; the baggy jeans, Los Angeles Kings T-shirts, the White T shirts, and the "fresh" Adidas (Yes it was a long time ago). Several of my friends wore fisherman hats ala EPMD, jerseys, and sports jackets. We used to show up at backyard parties with a mic in our hand and rapped to instrumentals while our dj would scratch. Once in a while, a dance battle would go off.
Back then the party scene was huge. Everybody was in a party crew. This consisted of a group of guys and girls that would get together for the sake of partying and making money. We woud print out flyers and hit the streets promoting a party and charge like $2-$3 dollars at the door. The DJ got a cut, the promoters got a cut and the owner of the house got a cut. The social scene in L.A at the time was crazy as people also cruised "Whittier Boulevard" in East L.A as they headed east towards Whittier and Pico Rivera.
During this time you also had the traditional gangsters (Cholos). They were o.k with party crews as long as you respected their "hood" and let their gangsters in for free. It was an unspoken rule that gangsters from the neighborhood where the party was being thrown get in for free. Also, it was generally understood that gangsters from other neighborhoods would not step foot in a party if it was in enemy territory.
Everyone knew everyone and there was always beef but it was normal to us.
I was good friends with a crew of girls from Whittier. There was one girl named Jessica that was pretty wild. She started going out with a gangster named "Snoopy" and he was from a hard core gang. One day my friend Jessica asks me, "Do you know Snoopy?" I innocently responded, "Yeah doesn't he have a girlfriend that works at Chuck E. Cheese's?"
"OH HE DOES?" She said that in that tone thet Mexican chicks do when they are pissed. It's similar to when sistas' say "Oh no he didn't".
What I didn't know was that "Snoopy" and his girl had split but somehow it got around to Snoop that I was bad mouthing him. Word on the street was that he was after me. Snoopy was a big, broad guy with a Rocky Marciano flat nose and bad skin. He also had tiny piercing eyes.
"Dude Snoopy hates you" said my friend Pablo.
"Tell him that I'm cool. You know me"
"I tried telling him but he's nuts!" He is the type that will go off on his own friends. Once he just started socking his friend for no reason."
Great I had a psychopath after me. On top of that he had anger issues.
At every party I went to I heard the same thing, "I heard Snoopy is after you".
I would see him at a distance one in a while and I did my best to look brave but I was scared. I avoided going into his neighborhood to avoid seeing him.
Once I went to a party in a neighborhood of Snoopy's enemy with a few friends. And who do I see? SNOOPY! and not the one created by Charles Schulz.
He approaches me slowly (heart rate is increasing fast). He moves 2 feet away from me (palms are getting sweaty).
"I heard you're talking shit about me" He said this very slow like the Godfather except that he was a Mexican Cholo. He continued. "Do you know who I am?"
I said, "Albert". He corrected me. "NO Snoopy from Gang X" (which will remain anonymous just to be safe.)
"Listen if I have a problem with someone I'll tell them to their face." I said this hoping that my confidence would convince him that I was tough, second only to Chuck Norris.
"Is that right?" Snoopy responded. Then he would pause and just stare at me.
"Is that right?" It got slower each time he said that.
"Is that right?" O.K do you know how freaking scary this is?
Then he reached around his waist towards his back pocket like he was going for a gun.
I put both my hands out in a defensive posture. "Hey calm down!". "Calm down!".
He gave me a long stare and walked away. I did not see a gun and it was very likely that he just wanted to scare me and he was successful in doing that.
I never saw him after that but my friends love starting a conversation with, "remember when Snoopy was after you?"
Stay tune next week when I describe how Jessica almost had me killed by a giant Mexican rapper named Latin Lover.
To all of the blogging community. I want to thank you guys for the insights and entertainment that you guys provided me this year. Have a safe Holiday. Thank you guys for being the motivation behind this humble blog. Also remember that if you ever want to terrorize your enemies, just remember these three words:
"Is that right?"
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
You are a liar! The last time we were reunited you promised me that you would leave me alone if I took better care of myself and I did my part.
I played tennis, jumped rope, did push ups, and ate food that was green. In addition, I drank green tea on a regular basis. I even forced myself to eat raw garlic each night. But so far only women and vampires have evaded me.
I kept my end of the bargain but you failed to live up to yours. Being bed ridden has given me a chance to look back on certain events that offer a clue into your "character" and I use that term lightly.
I learned that you don't discriminate. Little Susie looks cute mispronouncing words and making hats out of paper cups but did you let Little Susie be a happy kid? No! you waited and waited and when you saw the opporunity, you entered her system. I would describe in greater detail how you did that but I took very few science classes in college. But that's besides the point.
I like how you enter a room at social events, univited and remain silent and incognito and you do that stupid smirk that is supposed to be cute and everyone falls for it but not me! I have seen that look before. It was right before I started coughing up yellow stuff.
It was also very sneaky how you "Networked" with some of the plants and trees so that they could release pollen on command causing thousands of people to sneeze all over the world. Don't think that I didn't see you and your virus friends in the midsts of those sneezes. Check your Facebook tomorrow I have tagged MANY pictures of you and your Virus buddies being douches.
I'm exposing you for what you are to the blogging community. Your secrecy used to be your power but now you have been exposed like a corrupt politician banging a prostitute. I'm warning everyone to avoid going to the spots that you like to frequent such as bars and inside the mouths of anyone because as we have established you are like a student on Saturday. NO CLASS.
I was starting to feel guilty about the pain I caused you when I gulped that orange juice and that Robitussin. But I thought about all the pain you have caused me and the guilt turned to anger. Don't think for a second that I don't hear your screams. Oh I hear them. I'm not deaf, I'm ignoring you.
This is your last chane to leave on your own accord and to keep your word. If not I may be forced to take a flu shot and if that doesn't kill you, a tequila shot.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Chris Brown has graduated from a court-ordered course on domestic violence and received his certificate of completion. He celebrated by framing that award and smashing it over the head of his new girlfriend.
Phillip R. Greaves, author of "Pedophile's Guide to Love an Pleasure" was arrested for obscenity charges. This caused quite a scene at Chuck. E. Cheese's.
Mississippi Governor, and potential 2012 GOP presidential candidate, Haley Barbour is in hot water for his views about what was occuring in Mississippi during the height of the Civil Rights Movement, saying, ” I just don’t remember it as being that bad.” His bid for the presidency will be over in one Mississippi two Mississippi, three Mississippi.
Lindsey Lohan's problems keep compounding. She is under investigation for an alleged battery attack at the Betty Ford Clinic. Duracell will file criminal charges.
A mouse viral link that has was reported to be the cause of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is being challenged in 4 studies. I was going to read those 4 reports but I'm too freaking tired.
In Los Angeles, many people are looking forward to watching the lunar eclipse this Tuesday night. Actually, after the rain cleared the smog, they are happy to just see the moon.
Betty White was Voted the 2010 Entertainer Of The Year by AP. Because of her advanced age, they weren't sure if this was going to be an award or a Eulogy.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Folks I'm sick! and like all men I'm acting like a baby and demanding your sympathy. I'm usually alone and these last few days I made the mistake of joining the human race and socializing and the end result is illness. Ever notice that hermits rarely get sick? My stomach is doing somersaults and I feel weak like Al Gore's campaign when he ran for president. I'm reaching out to the blogging community for help. What secret potion, spell or medicine will cure me? I need all the help I can get. (cough,cough, flem, stomach growl, fart, sneeze). Help please!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Sorry guys I'm sick so I haven't posted my regular monologue jokes but as soon as my health improves I shall. Instead I want to talk a little bit about hip-hop.
I'll begin with the premise that most know very little about hip-hop and the few that have an opinion on hip hop or "rap" hate it. However, those that follow hip hop or were a part of the scene like I was have a great appreciation for it. The purpose of this posting is to stand up for an artform that has been somewhat bastardized and under appreciated. It is my desire that if you are a skeptic of the artform that you would be open to it's rich history before dismissing it out right.
According to K.R.S One. Hip Hop as we know it began with in the South Bronx with Cool Herc. Before Hip Hop was the money making machine that is is now, it was the art of the poor youth in the Bronx. Kids would meet at the park or in the community centers and just dance and have fun. Kool Herc had the loudest sound system and he had "break beats" which were instrumental beats in soul or funk records. He discovered that if he had two of the same break beats, and he played them at the same time, he could go back and forth on his mixer. Thus spawning the birth of the modern day d.j!
He was Jamaican and in Jamaica, they used to have these parties were the emcee or M.C (Master of Ceremony) would act as a "Hype man" encouraging the party goers to have fun and party. He brought that format from Jamaica to New York and brought that party atmosphere. Back then, the music had different vibe. It was all about unity, partyng, having fun and peace. During this same time in the 70's, New York had a gang problem but one gang member from the "black spades" decided to focus his energy on uniting everyone through hip-hop. His name was Afrika Bambaataa. He is probably best known for his song "Planet Rock" but he was an advocate of using music and art to unite people. He started the Zulu nation which is in existence today.
As the parties became larger, the artforms became more developed. It is generally accepted that hip hop has several elements: The M.C, The Dj, Graffitti, beat-boxing and dancing or b-boying. The Bronx looked like a war zone in the 70's. The place was tore up and there was alot of white flight as many of the Whites in the Brons moved to the suburbs. In addition, building owners were burning down the buildings to get paid on the insurance money. The place was a shit hole.
Yet in the midst of this hell, these poor Black, Puertorican, and Jewish kids survived by inventing an artform that is now a world-wide phenomenom. These poor kids wrote songs, created dance moves, made music, and were the pioneers of so many things that are taken for granted today. It was through their art that they escaped their environment. Their contribution to pop culture today can't be over-emphasized.
Even the art of Keith Haring was copied from the graffiti writers that he met in New York. But like many inventors, it was the future generations that reaped the rewards of their labor.
Below is a clip of the Best hip hop movie ever made. The acting is sub-par but what the movie "Wildstyle" did is it captured an era in hip hop when the art was pure. Many in the film are now well known legends. For example "Lady Pink" opened an art Studio and her pieces have been featured on the Metropolitan Museum of American Art. Lee Quinones (The main actor in the film) has sold his artwork to Eric Clapton for hundreds of thousands of dollars. His work is also well renowned. Fab 5 Freddy was the host on Yo MTV Raps.
I hope that even the most skeptical of readers can have an appreciation for an artform that has been lost to corporate interests. I'm just asking that you guys keep an open mind.
Friday, December 10, 2010
When my grandmother passed away I was very emotional because she represented so many things to me. She was the catalyst. She is the one that decided to come to America and leave "El Salto" - a little town in Mexico. She was filled with old school wisdom and a simple, yet deep outlook on life. She wasn't formally educated but she knew alot about life. Whenever you were full from a meal and said "man I'm full", she would always say "dale gracias a dios (thank God). Whenever I was rushed and lost stuff she would gently remind me, "Cuando tienes prisa has las cosas mas despasio" (When rushed, slow down). As she got older anytime I asked her how she was she would respond with dead pan humor: "Como el mango, vien chupado" (like a mangoe sucked up.) She was very funny.
The night we had the wake, tons of family was there as you could imagine. Seeing everyone there was comforting. Next to my grandmother's wake, in the next room, was an Asian wake. I think they were Filipino.
My mother is a teacher and had invited several people to attend in addition to the known family members. As the room became full, I notice an Asian lady walk in to my grandmother's wake. She looks a little bit lost. I tell her, "It's next door". My mother recognizes the lady and calls her over. This caused my sisters and cousins to errupt in laughter. It was loud. They found my racial profiling hillarious. "I wasn't trying to be funny. I thought she was looking for the Asian wake" I kept repeating. The damage was done.
My mother said that she apologized to the lady for my oversight. The moral here? Don't profile! unless you are in charge of security at the airport. I think somewhere in Heaven my grandma found this funny, if heaven has interpreters.
A recent scientific study shows that Denosumab, also known as Xgeva is effective in preventing bone loss. However, the most effective prescription to not only decrease bone loss but significantly improve bone production is Viagra.
The show "The Hasselhoffs" has been canceled after two episodes because of poor ratings. He plans on recharging his career with the Hollywood, fool-proof method. Be on the look out for the sex tape: Hoffer Does Dallas.
The FAA is forcing airplane owners to re-register their planes after they admitted that they could not account for 120,000 planes. They are also trying to regain the radar signal they lost on Amelia Earhart.
Retired witch and Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell recently compared the tax cuts that Obama made to extend unemployment with the Pear Harbor attacks. This explains why she launched a grenade at her tax man.
Jillian Michaels announced via twitter that she is leaving "The Biggest Loser". Executives for the show say that they can retain the ratings without her. Fat Chance.
A former Goldman Sachs programmer has been found guilty of stealing computer codes that enabled them to trade faster. This shows once again that they didn't deserve a bail out. They should be out on bail.
Jessica Simpson's clothing line has brought in three quarter of a billion dollar in sales.She is getting ready to announce her new line this Spring aptly called "Payback Bitches"
A woman from Baytown,Texas was jailed for failing to attend a court hearing regarding unreturned,library books. She will have to serve several months in jail and pay for or return the books "Overcoming Procrastination" and "Late".
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Remember a while back when I had discussed the depression I experienced for being unemployed? Remember how I announced to you guys that I got a job?
Well all of that did happen but I left out one fact: They fired my ass! I couldn't face you guys and tell you how much of a failure I felt like so I remained silent until now. I didn't get the Donald Trump firing. The employment agency resorted to euphemisms: "You're assignment has ended."
Now the details. I had gottten a typical office job and I was excited to leave my couch and not anguish over whether Jamal is or isn't the father of Keisha's baby. I knew that it wasn't my dream job but after getting so many rejections, I felt like the ugly girl at school that finally got asked to prom. "Yes I'd love to take you up on you offer!"
The people at my new job were kinda ghetto and not that smart. True story. We were learning the software and were looking at mock files that we had access to for training purposes. Somewhat had written the following in the notes section:
"Customer appears hostel"
The girls next to me grabs my attention and points to the note and laughs. "Look that person said said the customer was hostel. She was amused. "You know it should be hostile right? spelled h-o-s-t-i-l-e" I tell her. "NO it's hostel," she argues with me. "Hostile is an adjective" I try to explain. Then she busts out with this gem: "Didn't you see the movie Hostel? I said, "exactly, hostel is a place..." A minute later she says, "I think you are right. I asked myself, "what the fuck am I doing here?
The girl that did the training had a pierced mouth. In one of our training sessions, we had to read out loud (like you did in elementary school) portions of the manual regarding our computer software. One guy encountered the difficult word "QUEUE" - pronounced "kyu". He pronounced it "Kuwi". I was entertained.
On another occassion, we had training by a gay guy that aspired to be a comedian. He was about as funny as the word "The" but had the need to seek attention in an annoying way. He was in charge of monitoring what and how we say things on the phone. We had to follow a script verbatim and we also had to access 3 computer systems based on the type of account it was.
The whole system was void of logic and was cumbersome. It was alot of data that seemed random to me. I was lost. I felt "retarded" (you know what I mean). Yet everyone got it including the cavemen and the simpletons. I wanted to yell out, "I swear I'm not an idiot. I play chess! I can play a musical instrument. I graduated from an established university. I said nothing. I sat confused with a virtual dunce hat on me.
There was another guy that I met there that was very smart. He graduated from BYU in finance. We had interesting conversations on macro-economics and other interesting topics. He spoke a little bit of Spanish and the position required that you be fluent in Spanish.
I got a message on my cell phone. "Israel please call me immediately..." It was a lady from the job agency. I called her. "You're assignment has ended.". Cisco (the gay dude whose real name is Francisco)just feels that you are not quite getting the information fast enough." I agreed with that assesment. I told her that I'm a slow learner and that I would have gotten the information in due time; once I made sense of it.
I called my girlfriend and told her that I was fired. I laughed out loud while I waited for my Vietnamese Sandwich at Lee's. "I'm retarded. I can't follow simple orders." I repeated this over and over while questioning if I had mental problems.
Deep down I know that I found the job mundane and not very dynamic.
I got a call from the BYU guy and I immediately told him that I was fired. "Yeah they got rid of me too" he tells me. He went on "I feel like a loser. You have idiots killing it there. "They said my Spanish sucked." "You were too smart for the position" I tell him.
For the next few days I pondered in amusement if anyone would ask me to prom again. Then out of nowhere I get a call from a well respected agency that works with ending homelessness in Orange County, CA. I had submitted my resume along time ago and it was forwarded by my girlfriend's ex boss who now works there. I researched the company and I loved everthing this agency stood for. I set up an interview and I met with the ladies that work the program and the contrast from my last job was vast.
The ladies were articulate, passionate, clear, and very charasmatic. I was very comfortable at the interview. I decided I was going to just be myself, win lose or draw. I filled out an application and gave my references. My references including my ex boss spoke highly of me.
THE GOOD CALL
"Israel we would like to offer you the position!" I was excited and a little bit emotional. I was going to the prom again! This time my date was staying with me. During my job search process I kept telling myself that I needed to see "hope" and signs of hope to help keep me motivated. This was the hope I needed.
The position is part-time but because of my association to this agency, I had another interview yesterday with another program that would also offer me another part-time position which would make me a full time worker. In a week I will know.
So far I love my new job. I help homeless people get shelter and food. In addition, I place homeless mothers with kids in temporary housing with the ultimate goal of finding them permanent housing. In this short week of training my eyes have been opened to the humanity that exists out there. I tend to be somewhat of a cynic but I'm seeing a world of charity and compassion. The homeless people that I meet are so grateful to have a meal somewhere to sleep for the night.
I realized that there is alot of good people who are in bad situations. I hope this posting serves as a reminder that things can work out for the best if you experience setbacks and also that if you are struggling, you are not alone.
Ok enough sentimental crap! I want to apologize for my lackluster posts in these last few days. I've been busy with training but I promise to read and respond to you guys. Also regarding the caption contest, the funniest caption will win a prize of a used book and some other surprise. The winner needs to give me an address to mail the prize to. I will also try my best to conjure up some jokes if time allows. You guys are awesome and I want to thank you guys for reading my blog. And to the newbies, let me know you are out there. I need to see hope for the blog as well.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Charles Manson was caught with a cell phone in prison. He was caught when his cell mate woke up to, "Can you fear me now?"
Steeler's quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger had his nose broken by a Raven's lineman. His new nickname: Big Bent.
A "Three Stooges" movie set to film in March is in need of the three actors after the original 3 declined. Auditions are being held for actors that can take a pie to the face, break every limb in their body, and get poked in the eye with two fingers.
Kim Kardashian was the highest grossing reality star in 2010 earning $6 million dollars. That's an asstronomical sum.
Walmart has teamed up with the Department of Homeland Security to implement a program called "if you see something say something" which is aimed at reporting suspicious or terrorists activities. To witness such activities, just go inside any Walmart.
The land that once belonged to the Unabomber can be yours if you have $70,000 and can avoid booby traps.
Prop 8, the California initiative that banned same-sex marriage has finally reached the Court of Appeals. Ironically, oral arguments against the proposition will be made by the Law Offices of Adam and Steve.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Back in the days when I was young and had balls, I went cruising the famous "Sunset Boulevard Strip" in Hollywood. We packed the cars like good Mexicans and parked on the side of the road; people watching on the strip. We were there to pick up on girls.
After 1/2 hour of watching cars roll by this girl caught my attention. She had her head sticking out of the sun roof and she had big breasts. I had two reasons to speak to her.
"Hey, let me jump in the car with you" I had nothing to lose. She waves me in. I look back to my friends feeling victorious. "I'll catch up with you guys later" I yelled to my crew while feeling like a pimp.
There was a female driver, a girl, and me. We were standing next to each other with our upper halves exposed to the open air. We looked around at the crowd like we were in a parade and I was the Grand Marshall.
I was sure to hook up. I look down and notice that "my girl" had a cast on. No big deal. We reached a red light and while we are waiting for the car to go, I noticed a "low rider" next to us (old card used by many gangsters in Los Angeles) filled with gangster, Mexican chicks. They were hard-core. I looked away.
One of the gangster chicks is mad-dogging (staring with provocation) "my girl" and words are exchanged.
"Fuck you bitch" my girl tells one of the gangsters
"What did you call me bitch? the gangster chick responds.
She gets out of the car and takes a swing at my girl. She grazed me in the process. We duck and get inside the car and we were off, burning rubber down Sunset Boulevard with a carload of gangster chicks chasing us. We lose them and we turn on a side street and park.
"I should have brought my gat"(gun) says the driver.
"What do you normally carry? I ask; You know the usual small talk.
Here is the strange part. Both of the girls had on nice dresses and were well groomed. They didn't look hard core at all. WTF!
My girl opens the trunk and gets a metal pipe and places it next to her leg just in case we run into those girls again. What are the odds?
My thoughts shifted from picking up to surviving the night.
"Can you take me back to my friends?" I ask the driver.
We return to Sunset Boulevard driving slow in the bumper to bumper traffic. There are brights lights and loud rap music everywhere. Around us,cops are pulling over drivers left and right.
We pull in to a Mc Donald's parking lot. I'm getting ready to get dropped off.
"Oh shit I think they are behind us" says the driver.
"Just drop me off. Security is here! I yell.
"Oh shit they saw me!" she continues.
She pushed down on the gas and we were in a high speed chase. She merged onto the 101South freeway and the gangsters were right behind us. We slowed down momentarily as we merged onto the freeway.
"West Side Wilmas! The gangster chicks kept yelling
"West Side Wilmas!"
They were throwing gang signs with their hands.
I sat in the car praying that bullets would not fly and hit me. I kept imagining the back window shattering but like a violent storm, they went away.
They ended up taking me home and it was long ride for them. I was thankful to be alive and I marvelled at the hoops that guys go through for a piece of ass.
(** West Side Wilmas is gang named after the city of Willmington in L.A For a lovely video about them check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jJ0KogOaDk)
Addendum: Shady, the cast was on her arm. I wasn't very clear in the post above.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Yesterday marks the 55th anniversary that Rosa Parks, a black woman, refused to stand up in a bus. 55 years later, they are throwing our first black president under the bus.
Congress has failed to extend unemployment benefits for 2 million Americans. Even The Grinch that Stole Christmas was like "Dam that's heartless."
Obama said that he would not allow offshore drilling in the East Coast and Mexico unless Tiger Woods can get his stamina back.
After political pressure from the US, Amazon.com has decided to stop hosting the whistle-blowing website Wikileaks. Critics accuse the U.S of censorship and preventing free speech but I say
The Supreme Court is hearing a case that will examine whether to release criminals from jail as a result of over-crowding. Politicians are opposing this. They hate competition.
Fifty-six nations will attend the OSCE summit to address human trafficking. I hope they do something quick because my commute is hell and gas is expensive.
The biggest earthquake in 18 years has hit New York City. It measured 3.9 on the Madoff scale.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
I can't believe that I'm approaching nearly 300 postings! Granted I don't write elaborate essays but in the short time I have been blogging, I consider myself pretty prolific; enough to offer some observations about blogging that I'd like to share with you:
1- Blogging is time consuming. Believe it or not, sometimes producing 6-8 jokes may take 1-3 hours. So either joke writing is difficult or I'm an idiot. This is a typical conversation that I have with myself before writing a joke: Is this joke topical? Is it off limits? Is it funny? How can I combine the premise with the assumptions people have about the subject matter. Will people get the punchline? Am I wording the joke correctly? How is the rhythm of the joke? Is the joke too subtle? Is it too obvious or cheesy? How can I link idea X with idea Y while still remaining humorous? Can I edit this?
2- Commenters come and go. My blog may be the flavor of the month with a certain blogger for a long time and then like all my ex girlfriends, they go away. Sometimes they return and it's a good surprise but when they don't return I just hold on to the cherished memories that we once shared. I just hope that such bloggers find someone that will treat them better than me or provide what I couldn't. I wish them the best.
3- Reciprocity isn't automatic. When I first started blogging I was under the false belief that if I participate in another person's blog, they will automatically participate in mine. Boy was I wrong! There is one blogger in particular who always has activities and games and I was loyal an participated multiple times but after giving it up and not getting commitment, I felt like a cheap hooker; used and abused.
4-Just because I don't comment, doesn't mean I don't read the blog. This seems hypocritical considering observation #3. On the one hand I read some blogs and at times I don't respond or comment. On the otherhand I feel neglected when I'm overlooked. Hypocritical? yeah I'd say so. I will say this. I have learned alot from the many bloggers I follow.
5- I think that following someone only because they follow you is kinda' cheap. I follow people on my blog because I find something interesting about their blog. I especially look for a blogger with a unique point of view even if I don't adhere to that view.
6- It's easy to get lazy with your blog and produce half ass posts. Having a successful blog requires effort,brainstorming, and just giving a crap.
7-Sometimes doing nothing is a good way to recharge your creative juices.
8-I take my blog very seriously. It's funny actually that I'm so paranoid about creating shitty content on my blog. This is motivated by two factors. One, my mental problems. Two, taking pride in the quality of my work. I don't like it when bloggers say, "Today I don't have shit to say". Come on, that's not even trying. It's better to do nothing, rest your mind, and post a kick ass post.
9-Bloggers think that other bloggers have kick ass blogs. I read some interesting stuff that makes me wonder if there is any virtue in my blog but then I read a blog from someone I admire and they too feel the same way. The source is all the same: insecurity.
10- I will probably receive very few awards and/or followers. I know that my "material" isn't on the same level as Churchill but that's o.k. Also , I refuse to talk about typical crap to get universal appeal such as (I better not). One of the regular commenters here had a great article about what makes for a great blog and she said that you stay true to your theme and point of view. In otherwords, don't be something you're not (Remember Vanilla Ice?). I feel that I've kept it real. Also, I take pride in trying to be original. My blog flies under the radar a little bit but I just tell myself that the few that are aware of it are "exclusive". It protects my ego a little bit.
Monday, November 29, 2010
"Spider-Man" the musical, made it's debut on Broadway and received poor reviews, mainly from angry flies.
A man is dead after falling from the upper deck at Chicago's Soldier Field. This tragic news is too much to bear.
Comedy great Leslie Nielson who appeared in The Naked Gun has died at 84. He leaves behind a wife, two daughters, and hundreds of double entrendres. (Thanx Shady for your comment. I had written this Nielson joke but forgot to include it until now)
President Obama has proposed a two year federal freeze pay for federal workers. Sarah Palin responded angrily questioning why we need to refrigerate money.
The roof of a Salvation Army in Colorado collapsed causing about $3 dollars in damages.
Country legend Willie Nelson was arrested for marijuana possession after cops found 6 ounces of weed on his tour bus, right next to the 5 pounds of Dorritos.
A study in the Journal of Psychopharmacology suggests that drug "ecstasy" may help ease post-traumatic stress. It also seems to make subjects believe that they are great dancers at "raves".
Lady Gaga has promised thet her new album "Born this way" will be the greatest album of this decade. I can't wait to hear her first single: Hermaphrodite
Friday, November 26, 2010
Many years ago I was jobless.I'm not saying I would do anything but let's just say I was jealous of hookers. I had applied everywhere and my memory isn't the greatest.
One of the places I had applied for was for a "rehab" place. I get a call for an interview with Adriana. She was Columbian, had a frog face, and had a thick accent. She had alot of attitude so naturally I found her hilarious.
During the interview process, she asks me why I wanted to work at this "rehab" location. I did my best Tom Hanks performance (play violin dramatic music here) and told her that my uncle was an alcoholic and how alcoholism ran in parts of my family and how if I could just help one person rehabilitate themselves, the world would be a better place. I wiped my virtual tear from my face.
"This isn't a drug rehab location," Adriana tells me. "We do rehab for worker's comp claims."
(long pause. 2nd long pause)
"I can do that too! I tell her with enthusiasm.
I got the job.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Miley Cyrus turned 18 this November 23rd. Bang Brothers did you hear that?
Former U.S President Jimmy Carter has released his latest best selling book: "White House Diary". Here are some exerpts:
Page 123 - "Saturday Night Fever? A movie about Disco Dancing! Who is going to see that?
Page 338 - "I kinda under estimated that Ayatollah Khomeini dude. I'm confident we will get the hostages home very soon."
War is on the brink as North Korea has killed 2 South Koreans by shelling a South Korean Island according to Gilligan and the Professor.
Leonardo Di Caprio travelled to Russia to donate $1 million dollars to save tigers from extinction. He's grreat! (apologies to Frosted Flakes)
The TSA is still freaky. They have set up a complaint number. You must be 18 years to call and wil be billed $2.99 a minute.
Security software manufacturer BitDefender has released a report claiming that 20% of Facebook users are exposed to malware. I’m not surprised. With everyone poking each other,you’re bound to catch a virus.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Inspiration can come from an unlikely source. In this case I was inspired by the South African group, Die Antwoord. I'm serious. Here is why they inspired me and why they should inspire you. They believe in their "art" and are doing music their way which is very strange and unconventional. By today's music standards, they shouldn't exist. The main rapper is a tall,skinny, weird looking dude. The Dj wears a mask on stage. The female singer is short, has a weird haircut and has bad teeth.
But judging by how they perform on stage, you wouldn't know it. They believe that what they are doing is ground breaking and "next level shit". Their belief in their artistic vision has translated into a cult following that now includes me. I wake up ever day singing the shorus: " I got what you want boy ". I admit, it sounds very gay but the chorus is catchy.
In an interview with them, the lead singer, Ninja says that they just wanted to do different music and they never waivered from that vision.
How does that relate to blogging? Well blogging too is an expression of yourself. In a very real sense, bloggers are artists/writers. Too often there is a tendency to get "writer's block" or to doubt the value of our work. I say be like Die Antwoord and re-write your own reality. Believe in your vision, in your art, and don't worry about the critics. Who knows maybe in due time, you too can have a cult following. But if you do get a cult following, No Kool aid please.
Pope Benedict XVI has relaxed his stance on condom use. That's not surprising for decades he's been good at covering up.
TSA is out of control. I just flew in and got an intrusive patdown. When he was done he asked me if we were just friends?
The FDA has ordered that the pain medications Darvon and Darvocet be taken off the shelves. That hurts.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows had the fifth biggest opening in film history. The biggest opening in film history? Kim Kardashian's sex tape.
The FDA has approved a second trial of human embryonic stem cells to test cells in people with a progressive form of blindness. Scientists believe that if the trials are successful,referees may finally make the correct calls.
Justin Bieber was the big winner at the American Music Awards. The most commonly heard phrase that night was "Leave it to Bieber"
Friday, November 19, 2010
I became aware of a so-called Middle-Eastern comedian named “Jayhad”. I was told he was not funny and was ill prepared and he did every stereotypical type of joke imaginable. In addition, he has the tendency to ask the listener if they “get” the joke. He claims to be the funniest comedian from the Middle East. I couldn’t help but to track him down and bring him to my place and tape some of his “jokes”. When I asked him specifically where he was from he simply said “over there” and pointed east. He claims that his jokes are so funny that they will unite enemies. He said the word is a better place when we laugh. It is with great reservation that I introduce you to Jayhad. I apologize in advance.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Eva Longoria has filed for divorce from NBA star Tony Parker citing "irreconcilabel differences". Yeah apparently she is Catholic and he likes to have sex with other women.
Scientists at NASA have announced that they have discovered the youngest black hole 50 million light years away. It prefers to be called an African-American Hole.
California has the distinction of having seven of 10 cities with the worse air quality. You can tell. The bear on the flag now wears a gas mask.
Eight members of the House have found Charlie Rangel guilty of 11 ethics violation. Good grief Charlie Rangel.
Warner Brothers is investigating a leak of the newest Harry Potter film. They will try to plug the leak starting with "top hat" if that doesn't work they will try "top kill" if that doesn't work...
The TSA is under alot of criticism for their airline security "pat downs". It didn't help that one guard's jacket read:
It was tough to choose a weiner for this contest as many were excellent. You guys are a creative bunch. Again it was tough but I went with the caption that made me chuckle the loudest. Look I know comedy is subjective and this does not mean that other captions were any less funny. They were all great.
I also tried really hard to not have any biases or give preferential treatment based on how well I get along with the blogger. I can't stand contests where only "friends" reward other "friends". I want to give everyone a real chance at winning my contests even if the prize is only 2 used books.
About the winner. She is Gnetch (At least that what her blog says). She has a really funny blog called: "Thank Goodness for the Good Ones". This is her URL: http://thankgoodnessforthegoodones.blogspot.com/
Please don't hate me for not choosing your caption. It's never personal. To all those that played, thank you for making it a success. I had lots of fun!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Top Senate Republicans are making a public push to eliminate “earmarks”. “It’s too late now” said a pissed off Evander Hollyfield.
Christina Aguilera received a star on Hollywood's "Walk of Fame". That's not that remarkable considering that she's a genie in a bottle.
Rumors are circulating that Bill Clinton will make an appearance in "The Hangover 2" but not before being prepped by an expert on that topic: George W.Bush.
Mixed Martial Arts fighter Chuck "the iceman" Liddell is getting married. It took a woman to submit him.
At the San Diego airport, a man caused a scene when he refused to undergo a full body scan or have his groin brushed. Wait, they brush your groin for free? I'm Travelling this weekend. Where? It doesn't matter.
Annie Lobert, a former prostitute, has started a group aimed at helping other Las Vegas Hookers. Her group is called “Hookers for Jesus”. Listen just because she was able to make hundreds of men yell “Oh Jesus God”, that does not make her a disciple of the Lord.
In Dubai, the latest fashion trend is getting temporary tattoos made from real 24-carot gold. The manufacturer is the same guy that invented douches.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Scientists at Oxford University in England have found that the game "Tetris" may ease traumatic flashbacks in patients. However, one side effect includes not getting that song out of your head.
The National Labor Relations Board filed a complaint arguing in court that American Medical Response of Connecticut (AMR) unlawfully fired one of their employees who allegedly posted negative comments about her boss. The Court will have to decide two issues: 1- was she fired lawfully? 2- Is poking on Facebok sexual harrassment?
Tuesday, the 88 year old actress,Betty White was made an honorary ranger by the U.S Forest Service. Her main duty included not dying.
A news traffic helicopter captured a video of what appears to be a missle launched 35miles from Los Angeles. It would have launched sooner but it was stuck in traffic.
Amazon is creating a stir for selling an E-book on Pedophilia entitled "The Pedophile's Guide to Love and Pleasure" It contains a preface from Pope Benedict XVI.
In addition to stricter warnings, the FDA is proposing adding graphic imagery including pictures of corpses to discourage young people from smoking. This is good news for Larry King who has a photo shoot next week.
Obama met with South Korea and was unable to reach a free-trade pact agreement. The South Koreans did not appreciate Obama's performance of "I'm your Seoul man."
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
It seems like many bloggers have been talking about bad dates so I thought I'd share a true and funny story about an online date I had many moons ago. I call this story: The great wall of China.
Long time ago, when the internet was creepy, I was chatting with a girl on-line. I saw her pic and she looked aight. She was Asian.
"Hello" I typed.
"Hello" she responded. Progress!
I don't recall what I said or how I said it but I convinced her to give me her number. I had only dated one other Asian before. She was 1/2 Korean and 1/2 Vietnamese. Which means her Pho Thai included Kimchi. I didn't know much about Asians.
Do they become Ninjas at night? Can they fly across buildings? If they move really fast will I hear a fast,whipping sound? Do they fear Godzilla? Can they parallel park?
People, I did not know. This added to the mystique.
We would talk at night. She had a big accent which made talking to her fun.
"You know I no time. I work go to school. No time."
"What are you studying?"
We talked on a regular basis and eventhough there was a slight language barrier, she had a sense of humor. Finally I decided to step up my game.
"We should meet"
(hesitation) " I'm very busy"
"You can be free one day" (Persistance)
"I don't know if you will like me?"
"How come?" (my heart pounds harder)
"because of my teeth (???)
"What's wrong with your teeth? (anxiety is increasing)
"They black! You see in China toothpaste not good like America.
Now what would a normal dude do in this spot? Exactly! get the F--- out and run.
Of course I didn't take the normal route. I was curious. I thought she was just being insecure. I have to admit, she did not smile too wide in her picture.
After talking to her for a while, and right before meeting, she said, "Am I your girlfriend? I rationalized that if I say no, we wouldn't meet. I did what all guys do, I told her what she wanted to hear. "Yeah if you want."
So this is weird. I have a girlfriend from Shanghai that I have yet to meet who warned me about having black teeth. We decided to meet and I invited her to come to my classroom where I thought ESL to Asian students.
The day before I was supposed to meet my "girlfriend", I announce to the class that I have a girlfriend from China. I thought that they would accept me more if they knew that the bean was down with the rice.
We planned to meet at a Denny's located in the same building where I taught. I was anxious. I see a tiny Asian lady with straight black hair walking towards me.
Observation #1: The picture was at least 10 years old!
Observation#2: Her teeth looked like the Great Wall of China.
She made Tiger Woods look toothless. I was stuck. The worse part is she will sit in my class where my students will meet my "girlfriend".
"You fyat" She told me. (Asian interpretation: You're fat)
I start class by briefly introducing Great Wall of China. I rush through the lesson sweating bullets in the process. Class dismissed.
After class, I just kept my head down and acted very distant. I pretended to get upset over something she said in order to kill this noise.
"Why you so mad?" she questioned me. I kept on walking without turning around. We never talked after that and I'm still fyat.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Amid economic concerns, the price of gold set a record by selling above $1400 an ounce. Mr. T’s financial planner is a genius.
Lady Gaga is upset at Eva Longoria for wearing a "ham" dress. It turns out Lady Gaga is Muslim.
The U.S is dissapointed with Israel's decision to continue building in East Jerusalem, where Palestinians want to build their capital as an independent state. Finders keepers.
Dallas Cowboy coach, Wade Phillips has been fired after starting 1-7. Eventhough he has no plans on losing weight, he has been invited to be a guest on "The Biggest Loser."
Former president George W. Bush has written a book called "Decision Points". It can be found in your local book store under "fiction".
The "Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis gor married to his longtime girlfriend. The reception included a traditional dollar dance, a conga line, and one hell of a wet T-shirt contest
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Keith Olberman has been suspended from MSNBC for making contributions to three political candidates. I can't wait until he comes back with his new show: Countdown to Unemployment.
Lindsay Lohan took a break from Rehab and went shopping at Forever 21, blowing $250 dollars on clothes. Speaking of blowing, she is set to play Linda Lovelace in the movie Deepthroat. I know that's hard to swallow.
Police discovered a dead man outside the Playboy Mansion. Initially they thought Hugh Hefner had passed out.
Obama met with India and worked out a $10 billion dollar deal aimed at creating American jobs, mainly at 7-11.
A plane crashed in Cuba killed all 68 on board. All that remained was clothes but no cigar.
Dallas Cowboys' Roy Williams said that they can still make the playoffs eventhough they are 1-6. This prompted the NFL commissioner to beging drug testing the Dallas Cowboys immediately.
The U.S has broken a record for advance orders of "Call of Duty: Black Ops. To get the more violent version you can order Call of Duty: White Cops.
(Google: Police Officer Johannes Mehserle in Oakland California)
Friday, November 5, 2010
“I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy…”
My NY Trip
I was finally on the verge of fulfilling a life-long dream-To see the Big Apple. The place has always captivated me mainly because of its mythical status as a place that exists “out there”. Out there in the history books-Out there in the movies –Out there where Robert Deniro roams the dark streets in a taxi-Out there where Andy Warhol displayed his portraits of American icons while surrounded by the city eccentrics-Out there where “The Warriors” are being chased by gangs in the trains to avenge the killing of a gang leader-Out there where Kool Herc played break beat records in the Bronx to the youth in what became Hip Hop as we know it now. The truth is that the city has been cleaned up and the trains have very little graffiti. I was to discover that although things change, they oftentimes remain unchanged in its essence and character.
DYING IS EASY
Before the trip, I got ill. Where I got ill, I will never know. But, if I had to bet, I’d say I got sick at the casino. (Did you catch that clever pun?). Once, after losing cash and hope at the Commerce Casino, I noticed that I felt very weak. So it is with this lowered immune and running nose that I approach The John Wayne Airport. The good news is that I get to share same oxygen with, I don’t know, 250 other fuckin’ people! I close my eyes pretending to be normal. I feel worse. I want to vomit and I have to shit. My body is basically telling me, “ what is inside must come out”. I ask the stewardess(Is that correct?) for water and I prevent an episode of chunk projectiles. We arrive at the Chicago airport. I must compliment the Chicago airport for their clean and heavy duty toilets. I was relieved. We take a plane from Chicago to New York. I close my eyes and when I wake up I was in La Guardia.
LET’S TAKE A LOOK AT THE MAP
We arrived in N Y and now what? We still need to reach Brooklyn Heights. (We rented an apartment for 5 days). We were lost and we had luggage out. We did have a map and a one week pass to travel. As soon as we stepped out into New York, I got hit with the elements. It was cold and windy and the air smelled like diesel fuel. I was in NY and air quality doesn’t mean shit here. We asked a black lady how to get to Brooklyn Heights and were told that we need to take a bus and a train to our location. While waiting for the bus, I noticed a young Asian man talking loudly to himself. “You made a big mistake”, he kept muttering to himself. I began to think that he may have been talking about me. I felt at home. It reminded me of Hollywood where they take schizophrenia to a new level. On the bus it was mainly brothas’ and sistas’. (That’s right I said it. They had attitude (shocking) and were pretty funny. I got to overhear a phone conversation. I can’t recall the details; just that it was funny. They had “Homeland Security” jackets. I thought to myself, “America is doomed”.
We stood in an old apartment in a town called Brooklyn Heights. We were by the river near a promenade. From the park you could see the river and the Brooklyn Bridge. I fed the pigeons and they liked me. It turns out that just liked my bread. The buildings looked like a street scene of Seinfeld or the Cosby Show; Old buildings made of bricks and couples walking their dogs. The leaves were bright yellow and orange and it was very windy. The place smelled of wet leaves and dog shit. This created a dichotomy. On the one hand, the leaves and buildings are beautiful. On the other hand, it smells like dog shit. The people seemed to be comfortably middle class; almost yuppie. I knew I wasn’t in the “real” Brooklyn. There were no black people. I wanted to see where the Notorious B.I.G lived. The place was safe to walk at night. I also noticed that all the blocks leave their garbage in big bags out front. Apparently, the mob still runs the rubbish industry and Mickey “the ears” Luizzini picks up the garbage if and when he wants. There was a neighborhood store that sold produce and goods for high prices. There were Delis and several mom and pop shops. They had an Indian Restaurant that was delicious until my girlfriend discovered a roach in her soup. The vibe here was positive. The local Starbucks was always filled with people reading or couples talking or working on their computer. Across the street they sold muffins. I bought one and enjoyed it. I kept drinking OJ. I was still sick.
The good thing about having a week pass is that allowed us to travel NY by train. We took many, many trains to be like the locals. On one trip I wanted to yell, “Holy Torah there is a lot of fuckin’ Jews here!” But that would be considered anti-Semitic. Seriously, on one trip there were 20 Hasidic Jews on the train-black coats, curly hair, bearded and all. The waiting station is hot and riding the train made me very uncomfortable only because I have social phobia and riding the train forced me to be close to strangers. It was worse when I had to stand and gaze at people’s empty stares. There were a few entertainers as well that helped with the wait and ride. There was this white girl who fiddled country tunes. There was a Latino guitar player that changed a tune to Spanish when he saw my girlfriend and I. There were bongo players on the train. The New Yorkers were very gracious with giving directions. We got around the city simply by saying, “Hey how do I get to X?”
I was supposed to see a hip hop show at a hall in Harlem but I went on the wrong day so I got to walk around near the Apollo Theatre. I liked Harlem. They had a lot of Hustlers outside their shops trying to sell you shit. It was very busy on the street but I didn’t stay there long.
Have you ever seen an army of ants attack a piece of bread on the ground? That’s what Time Square is like-millions of people, millions of lights and just nonstop energy. It was impressive. But, again, too many people in too small a space. I ate a hot dog off a stand cuz I had to. I was in NY and the hot dog sucked but I did my duty as a tourist. I took a picture of an Asian lady dressed as Hello Kitty. As soon as she removed the head, I snapped a picture. That is my favorite picture.
STATUTE OF LIBERTY
Took the Ferry and waited my ass off. By this point in the trip I had mucus in my lungs and was spitting like a sailor. Got to where the statute is and the bitch is big and green.
We went to Lil’ Italy at night and it was beautiful. The main block was bigger than I thought and we ended up in some restaurant. I ate Lasagna. When I left, the man said, “Grazi”. I was like, ”hell yeah that was Fuckin’ Italian. There were countless rows of restaurants, lights, bars, and Italian flags hanging from buildings. I was disappointed to not witness a mob hit.
They are all the same.
This park was amazing because the landscape looks like a Monet painting. There were tons of trees and the orange leaves were like it was part of a romantic scene. There were many couples, and joggers, as well as people giving tours on bikes and horses. Most of the tour guides were Jamaican. One directed me to the bathroom. It was windy and cold and my body wasn’t used to it. I didn’t venture too deep into the park but it was a magical place.
This place had tons of Gays. That’s cool I’m anti Prop 8 but man oh man I heard so many lisps that night. I had the best pizza ever at John’s of Bleeker Street. Apparently, this is Woody Allen’s favorite place, besides elementary schools. Outside, on the window is a signed poster of the Ramones. We walked around a bit and stumbled onto a bar that played live New Orleans style Jazz. Super Fuckin’ cool. I would definitely go back. The waitress was nice and the customers were as well. The jazz players were these old guys with mad skills on the trumpet, trombone, and drums. It was fun and low key.
I put on the ice skates, held the rail, and left after 20 minutes. My old bones were aching.
It was pretty emotional to be at the place where the 911 attack took place. It was boarded up so I had to see it from its parameter. But you still get to appreciate the enormity of the damage as the hole where the twin towers is still there. Also, on the other side, the fire department lies smack across and I got to see and videotape the wall of the station that is a memorial to the fire fighters that lost their lives. It was very sad to be there. Directly facing Ground Zero are buildings that were present when the 911 attacks took place. The buildings were huge and to think that the twin towers dwarfed those. Recently I was watching “Coming to America” with Eddie Murphy and there is a night scene where Eddie is on a date and you can see the lit twin towers in the back. It was chilling.
THE JOKE’S ON ME
A funny incident occurred on one night. My girlfriend and I decided to go to a comedy club in Manhattan. The host was trying to make small talk with the audience members; looking to embarrass them later. I know the game. For this reason, we decided to sit in the back to be invisible. It didn’t work. “Hey you back there. Where are you from?”(Silence).”Hello you two” he continued. (more silence). “Habla Ingles?” In an instant, the host determined that we were non-English Speaking immigrants from Mexico. He’s almost correct. That became the tag line. Even now I ask my girlfriend, “Habla Ingles?”
NY is not Los Angeles. This is obvious logically. But until you experience it subjectively, you can’t begin to appreciate the nuances. For one NY has few Mexicans. I missed the homies and their attitude. I missed Mexican food. I couldn’t find a taco stand anywhere. True Story: I went to a deli in Brooklyn Heights and asked the waiter if he could get me a side of salsa. “Marinara sauce?” he asked. I asked if he had tortillas. He chuckled and said no. They had neither. The guy looked Hispanic. I thought he would feel my pain of eating food tortilla-free. I do like the direct communication of New Yorkers. Cut to the chase man. I have shit to do. “ Hello how are you today?” NO! I don’t want to bond with you sales person at Old Navy.
I could see how Californians could interpret the direct talk as rude but I am of the opinion that wasting time communicating is ruder still. Because NY is so compact, a lot of shit is at walking distance. That was pretty cool-to be able to survive without a car. The thing is you pay a price for that. The price is a lack of private space. I liked the energy of NY. There is a night life and tons of people are out and about doing shit. L.A sucks in this regard. You pretty much have to go Hollywood or the Westside to do shit and then when you arrive, you have to contend with Paris Hilton wannabes.
That reminds me, in NY people are too busy to be worried about “image”. I got a sense from observing the street vendors that work is work and even the least glamorous workers like those passing out flyers take pride in that. I liked that. It’s like New Yorkers are being reminded daily of the hustle that is New York. I learned that you need a lot of time to see NY. There is so much to do. But for me, the adventure was in not knowing what was going to happen. It was like watching movie in real time where I didn’t know the ending and at the end of the show I felt entertained and gained a little more insight. Credits roll…
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Heidi Montag is reportedly broke and is heading to Bankruptcy Court. She plans on paying back her debt by selling some of her plastic to Lego.
A California initiative that would have legalized marijuana was defeated by the voters that actually had the energy to get to the polls.
Greece is suspending air shipments of mail after discovering that some bombs were sent from the capital. A reality show about this is already in the works: My big fat Greek explosion.
San Francisco has banned the Happy Meal in an ordinance that limits toy giveaways in unhealthy food. Now THAT's gay!
After losing many Democratic seats in the House, Obama said he felt bad about losing. Chicago Cub fans told him welcome home.
Rescued Chilean miner is preparing to run the NYC marathon. His head lamp will come in handy in spotting muggers.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
For many years I avoided going to holiday events. It's not that I'm cynical and bitter it's just that I'm cynical and bitter. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for having a good time with good company. The problem is holidays have a tendency to set expectations and create pressure and this isn't fun for me.
This last Haloween was no exception.
I get a call from an old friend. His name is roger but his D.J name is DJ. Daze. Back in the days when we were young and had energy, we were part of a hip hop group. He would DJ and I would rap. That was about 1000 years ago.
I get a text from "DJ. Daze" and he tells me he is having a party- A costume party. I thought cool. A bunch of has-beens trading war stories would be good. I pictured a bunch of geriatrics complaining about some nagging ache or a sprain that won't go away. I was ready.
First problem: No costume. Solution: The Goodwill Store. PRO: $9.00 Costume CON: "What the hell kind of monster are you supposed to be? (Note that is the pic of my "scary costume" I look like a bad version of swamp thing.
I bought that cheap costume and against my better judgment I decide to get into the "Halloween spirit". I also bought a skull with bulgy eyes that sings, "Somebody's watching me". It would have been better if Geico had not used the same song to describe it as the money you could have saved...
My girlfriend and I show up to Norwalk,CA. The front yard looks like a tent and there is a DJ and a bunch of kids. We are also one of the first people to arrive. It's like that commercial: "Wanna get away?". More kids show up. They looked like they were 10. I thought to myself: Am I the freaking chaperone here? The kids did what kids do. They danced, they laughed, they had a good time.
I did what old, grumpy people do. I left. (But not before eating a crap load of tacos) Next destination: Mom's house to pass out candy. I passed out candy to kids dressed as princesses, bees, and whatever Disney characters are in mode.
I just stood there with my $9 costume passing out candies to kids- making the Dental industry rich in the process.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Paul Reubens, who played the "Pee Wee Herman" character in the 80's is heading to Broadway. Those in the front row will be given goggles and towels.
The Pentagon has confirmed that bombs originating, in Yemen and bound for a U.S airline, were intercepted by U.S and British Intelligence which I admit sounds like an oxymoron.
Sunday, Tom Cruise was on the set of Mission Impossible 4. If you don't know the plot, it involves the Democrat's attempt to save their House seats.
The Minnesota Vikings have released wide receiver, Randy Moss. The good news though is he will be the new spokesman for Capital One. "What's in your wallet?"
A new study has found that kids that text message, especially before bedtime, can develop cognitive problems and ADHD. They also found that those same kids make for great thumb wrestlers.
Gay activists are protesting Ron Howard's film, "The Dilemma" over a gay joke invloving Vince Vaughn calling elctric cars "gay". Gays feel like they have been back-stabbed. Let me re-phrase that.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Osama Bin Laden has issued a taped message where he threatened to kill French citizens for France's support of the Afghan war and for its support of the burqa ban. As usual, France has caved in by banning berets and fries.
The queen of darkness, Elvira is returning to television after a 17 year absence with 26 new and scary episodes. The first featured film is titled: The future of the U.S economy.
The World's fastest super computer no longer belongs to the U.S. That honor now belongs to China. Americans are trying to get that technology from them but they keep putting up a great wall.
Clint McCance, an Arkansas school board member, said he will resign for posting a message on Facebook where he said he wanted gay people to commit suicide. No lawsuits will be launched. A judge ruled he has been punished already - He lives in Arkansas! (Apologies to Jay from "Cynical Bastard" who also resides there)
As a result of an FBI “sting” operation, a Pakastani man has been arrested for planning to attack the DC Metro area as part of an al Qaeda operation. The man needed to be hospitalized. Those killer bees are vicious.
The U.S Dollar reached near its record low of 1995. To show you how low it got, it's starting in its own reality show.
Charlie Sheen was found in a hotel drunk and naked with a 22 year old porn star. You know what that makes him right? Qualified for Congress.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Let me explain the glove pictured here. It is a "reflexology" glove. The glove is divided into pressure points that correspond to physical parts of your body. The theory goes that applying pressure to those points will "heal" or "improve" your ills.
My girlfriend bought this because I have been borderline psychotic lately and she thought this may help me. I've been having "depressive episodes" as shit has not gone according to plan. Needless to say my insomnia has gotten worse as has my anxiety and general depression. I did call to speak to a counselor today and someone is supposed to get back to me soon. I try not to be too much of a downer because this blog is supposed to be a humor blog and I don't want to be the bearer of bad news.
Back to the story. I went to Barnes and Noble with my girlfriend today to purchase a book I lost. As we are walking towards the parking lot, she reaches into a bag and opens up a package.
"I got something I want to try on you" my girlfriend tells me.
"what is it?"
She shows me this kit which includes two gloves, a ball, a chart, and a book. I laughed. "They know how to sell a golf ball for ten dollars" I tell her. It's called marketing. She begins to rub the ball on the pressure points that are supposed to relax me.
After leaving Barnes and Noble I went to the Mc. Donald's drive thru for their delicious ice cream cones. I'm wearing the glove proudly, like Michael Jackson did his sequin glove. "I'm going to pay with this glove" I tell my girlfriend. "Please don't", she begs. I win. I pay with the glove while keeping a straight face and collecting the cones SLOWLY so that the cashier can admire the artistry of my glove. I leave.
Now the truth is reflexology has a dubious reputation. Those who adhere to western standards will probably dismiss it as quakery. Penn and Teller featured reflexology on their show called "Bullshit." I'll keep an open mind and will keep the reader posted on the results.
The glove made me laugh. So far, it has already made me feel better.
Monday, October 25, 2010
A Seaside city in Italy wants to ban miniskirts for being indecent. Members of the Italian Mafia there praise that decision.
Keith Richards has been cut from Disney's Pirates 4 because over his drug use. In his defense, he thought he was playing a Rastafarian.
The Minnesota Viking coach has reported that Brett Favre has two fractures in his ankle. That's a relief for Favre who will still have the ability to sex- text without a problem.
In Florida, a 19 year old girl nicknamed "Hiccup Girl" has been charged with murder. Upon her arrest, she asked for an attorney and water.
Home sales were up 10% in September fueling some to speculate that we may be seeing a housing recovery. We have already seen a housing recovery. The banks call it "foreclosure."
A study out of Syracuse University has concluded that falling in love takes .2 seconds and its effect is like cocaine. And just like cocaine, it will leave you broke.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
A 19 year old was killed after being bitten off the Santa Barbara Coast. An “expert” is saying he was likely killed by a shark. Either that or there is a dude with big ass teeth and a fin on his back biting surfers.
After releasing confidential documents about the Iraq War, Wikileak founder Julian Assange defended the leaks during a press conference. He borrowed the speech from BP.
Leonard Nimoy, who played Spock on Star Trek, is recovering from benign abdominal surgery, logically.
In Stockholm, Sweden, police are looking for a serial shooter who has attacked 15 people;targeting immigrants that live in the city. Although his identity is unknown, Arizona is offering him political asylum.
After being court-ordered to continue drug rehab, Lindsey Lohan has told a judge she can't afford to stay at Betty Ford. Cocaine is expensive.
According to the WWF (World Wildlife Fund) Tiger Extinction could happen as soon as 2022. It has already happened in the P.G.A.