Monday, October 17, 2011

Weddings, Farts and why I shouldn't be out in public

This weekend I made the mistake of socializing in a large group setting. I attended a wedding. My sister's childhood friend got married and the wedding service and reception were in the same place in Downtown Los Angeles. It was my girlfriend,my mother and I. My sister was a maid of honor. As I waited for the servcice to start, I began to be quietly amused by the corny music that was playing in the background.

The place had a large ceiling and was spacious. I waited and waited for the service to start but being confined to my tiny chair, my mind began to wander. The first thing I noticed was that I smelled breath. Not bad breath necessarily- just breath and come to think about it, it had to be somewhat bad if I'm writing about this now.

The blonde lady in front of me had tiny wrists. I was fascinated. They looked like chop sticks. She also talked alot with her hands and I just stared at the tiny wrists while wondering how much force it would take to snap them. I also saw a man take pictures with a pink phone. PINK PHONE? UNACCEPTABLE.

He said I do. She said I do. They kissed. Relief.

Here is the problem, the service room now needs to be arranged for dinner and the wait was long. We are escorted to a garden-like patio that had a bar and few chairs. My feet and back hurt. I'm reminded of why I hate weddings. They should just be called torture tests.

"Hey there's a pizza place accross the street. My treat," I tell my mother and girlfriend. "Just wait", Is the stern response. My back is now killing me and I'm staring at the people and debating whether it would be socially unacceptable to lie on the floor. After a long wait, we are herded inside to an assigned table.

The table is filled with parents but the are all nice. My stomach is growling but we are served Caesar Salad. (I was the only one skipped but they fixed that.) In my fantasy world, I'm pounding extra cheese on my giant slice of pepperoni pizza.

They are serving potatoes and burgers but there is a catch, the tables will be called randomly and of course, we aren't chosen until the very end. To say I was starving is like saying Amy Winehouse liked to party. (Too soon?).

I get in a giant line of starving people and As I get my plate, they run out of potatoes. So I wait cordially but I look back and I notice that the line thinks I'm holding them back! One fat Mexican guy cuts in front of me and STEALS MY PLATE and rudely says, "excuse me" and proceeds to pour himself food. "That's my plate! I yell to a guy that eats Fuck you for breakfast. Wow I was shellshocked. The food was good but cold but I was happy.

The bride had three cartoon artists that made drawings for donations. I wait in line and I'm trying to decide which artist to use when I look up and notice a Fat Mexican artist that looked eerily familiar. Holy shit one of the artists is the guy that stole my plate. I let it go. I decided to use a lady that kept insisting that I smile. This is the sketch that she made of us.We ate and left.

The next day I decide to go to the gym. I lift some weights and barbells and now I do my routine of going to the aerobic room by myself to do cardio (jumprope). I'm alone and I enter and this petite girl enters behind me. I got to my corner and she is close to me. She is doing stretching exercises and I'm on a matt stretching my back when I smell the smell of death. It pierced my soul. It was sharp and foul. The bitch farted. I was livid.

There are two in the room and my ass was not the guilty party (this time). Deductive reasoning: It was her! I move away and jump rope at a safe distance, away from the agent orange. I figured, the fart would dissipate. I forgave her in my heart. I go back to jumping rope in my original spot, next to ass blaster. I'm 20 seconds into my jump roping when she raped my nose again with an explosion. O.K now that was rude!!! I left my matt and storm out of the room where oxygen awaited me. My workout was cut short.(Emphasis on CUT)

This weekned I plan on going to the mall to see how much gas masks go for.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Jokes 10-12-11

A biography claims that Steve Jobs owned 100 black turtlenecks. This has angered animal rights activists that are asking, where are the rest of the turtles?

In NJ, a history professor, Elizabeth Snyder is in trouble after she told a stuttering college student not to talk. That is just b-b-b-b--bad.

The "underwear bomber" plead guilty to trying to blow up a plane. He should've used Indian Food- Guaranteed Explosion every time.

The Ninety Nine Cent store has agreed to be sold for $1.6 billion dollars and 99 cents.

They are remaking the movie "Footloose" which, if you recall, is a movie about Paul McCartney's ex wife.

Republican Presidential candidate, Herman Cain has a tax solution for the country that he has named his 9-9-9 plan. His plan, backwards is favored by Satan.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Revisiting Occam's Razor during these confusing times

There is a principle that suggests that the simplest explanation or way of doing things is probably best all things being equal. In otherwords in deciding between A and B, choose the simpler of the two.

I love this principle because in an age of seemingly unlimted information, it is too easy to entertain wild ideas that spread like wildfire on the internet and other media. I thought about this recently as we revisited the events surrounding 911.

After 911, almost immediately, "conspiracy theories" cropped up by organizations such as the "truthers" that made extraordinary claims about the real cause behind 911. I'm reminded of Carl Sagan that said, "extraordinay claims require extraordinary proof."

The History Channel did a special where they investigated the claims made by conspiracy theorists surrounding the events of 911. They then provided a scientific explanation. For example, it was claimed that 911 was an inside job involving a group of people that used explosives to bring the towers down. As evidence they point to video footage of windows seeming to explode before the tower fell.

I have to admit that the first time I saw the footage, I was intrigued and entertained the idea that perhaps some evil geniuses master minded the fall of the towers from the inside using explosives. The History Channel had scientists that explained that the air pressure and heat inside the buildings caused the wind to push to the side before exiting out the windows. So what were are seeinng is air being pushed through the glass.

Now using Occam's Razor, let's ask ourselves, "is it more likely that condensed air pressure caused the glass to shatter or is it more likely that a group of people were able to booby trap a complete building without being detected and then have the building collaps in perfect synchrony to coincide with the location of the airplane crash?

See the simper answer makes more sense right?

I do not want the reader to get the impression that science is without fault and final. Nor am I blind to the inherent flaws in science, namely measuring variables and interpretating the results. In fact I do believe that one can experience the "mystical" and certain subjective forces may not be able to be quantified objetively. This should not invalidate the experience or phenomena.

I put the arts in this category. How can one adequately meausure the inspiration that causes singers to create love ballads or artists paint images never seen before?

These ramblings are presented as a caution to blindly accepting incredible claims as facts. Believe me, the world would be more exciting if I chose to believe faries visit me daily. But using Occam's Razor, I'm wagering it's a mundane bird or insect.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

jokes 10-6-11

President Obama has appointed Shakira to be on the panel of the Advisory Commission on Education Excellence for Hispanics. It's part of Obama's No Ass Shaker left behind.

Scientific research published in the Journal of Clinical Oncology suggests that oral sex may be the cause of mouth and throat cancer. For many, this may be hard to swallow.

NJ governor Chris Christie announced the he isn't running for president. Have you seen him? He isn't running period!

India has announced a $35 tablet computer for the rural poor. Caste included.

A quadruple rainbow has been photographed for the first time. It's being described as very,very,very,very gay.

Dinosaur tracks were found in Arkansas. Who knew Larry King walked barefoot.

TMZ is reporting that there is a Tupac porno. In it, he can be heard telling the girl, "all eyes on me and keep your head up." Man, he got around. Wessssssssssside!