Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Some Observations about "blogging"

I can't believe that I'm approaching nearly 300 postings! Granted I don't write elaborate essays but in the short time I have been blogging, I consider myself pretty prolific; enough to offer some observations about blogging that I'd like to share with you:

1- Blogging is time consuming. Believe it or not, sometimes producing 6-8 jokes may take 1-3 hours. So either joke writing is difficult or I'm an idiot. This is a typical conversation that I have with myself before writing a joke: Is this joke topical? Is it off limits? Is it funny? How can I combine the premise with the assumptions people have about the subject matter. Will people get the punchline? Am I wording the joke correctly? How is the rhythm of the joke? Is the joke too subtle? Is it too obvious or cheesy? How can I link idea X with idea Y while still remaining humorous? Can I edit this?

2- Commenters come and go. My blog may be the flavor of the month with a certain blogger for a long time and then like all my ex girlfriends, they go away. Sometimes they return and it's a good surprise but when they don't return I just hold on to the cherished memories that we once shared. I just hope that such bloggers find someone that will treat them better than me or provide what I couldn't. I wish them the best.

3- Reciprocity isn't automatic. When I first started blogging I was under the false belief that if I participate in another person's blog, they will automatically participate in mine. Boy was I wrong! There is one blogger in particular who always has activities and games and I was loyal an participated multiple times but after giving it up and not getting commitment, I felt like a cheap hooker; used and abused.

4-Just because I don't comment, doesn't mean I don't read the blog. This seems hypocritical considering observation #3. On the one hand I read some blogs and at times I don't respond or comment. On the otherhand I feel neglected when I'm overlooked. Hypocritical? yeah I'd say so. I will say this. I have learned alot from the many bloggers I follow.

5- I think that following someone only because they follow you is kinda' cheap. I follow people on my blog because I find something interesting about their blog. I especially look for a blogger with a unique point of view even if I don't adhere to that view.

6- It's easy to get lazy with your blog and produce half ass posts. Having a successful blog requires effort,brainstorming, and just giving a crap.

7-Sometimes doing nothing is a good way to recharge your creative juices.

8-I take my blog very seriously. It's funny actually that I'm so paranoid about creating shitty content on my blog. This is motivated by two factors. One, my mental problems. Two, taking pride in the quality of my work. I don't like it when bloggers say, "Today I don't have shit to say". Come on, that's not even trying. It's better to do nothing, rest your mind, and post a kick ass post.

9-Bloggers think that other bloggers have kick ass blogs. I read some interesting stuff that makes me wonder if there is any virtue in my blog but then I read a blog from someone I admire and they too feel the same way. The source is all the same: insecurity.

10- I will probably receive very few awards and/or followers. I know that my "material" isn't on the same level as Churchill but that's o.k. Also , I refuse to talk about typical crap to get universal appeal such as (I better not). One of the regular commenters here had a great article about what makes for a great blog and she said that you stay true to your theme and point of view. In otherwords, don't be something you're not (Remember Vanilla Ice?). I feel that I've kept it real. Also, I take pride in trying to be original. My blog flies under the radar a little bit but I just tell myself that the few that are aware of it are "exclusive". It protects my ego a little bit.

Monday, November 29, 2010


"Spider-Man" the musical, made it's debut on Broadway and received poor reviews, mainly from angry flies.

A man is dead after falling from the upper deck at Chicago's Soldier Field. This tragic news is too much to bear.

Comedy great Leslie Nielson who appeared in The Naked Gun has died at 84. He leaves behind a wife, two daughters, and hundreds of double entrendres. (Thanx Shady for your comment. I had written this Nielson joke but forgot to include it until now)

President Obama has proposed a two year federal freeze pay for federal workers. Sarah Palin responded angrily questioning why we need to refrigerate money.

The roof of a Salvation Army in Colorado collapsed causing about $3 dollars in damages.

Country legend Willie Nelson was arrested for marijuana possession after cops found 6 ounces of weed on his tour bus, right next to the 5 pounds of Dorritos.

A study in the Journal of Psychopharmacology suggests that drug "ecstasy" may help ease post-traumatic stress. It also seems to make subjects believe that they are great dancers at "raves".

Lady Gaga has promised thet her new album "Born this way" will be the greatest album of this decade. I can't wait to hear her first single: Hermaphrodite

Friday, November 26, 2010

Flashback Friday - The job interview that almost got away

Many years ago I was jobless.I'm not saying I would do anything but let's just say I was jealous of hookers. I had applied everywhere and my memory isn't the greatest.

One of the places I had applied for was for a "rehab" place. I get a call for an interview with Adriana. She was Columbian, had a frog face, and had a thick accent. She had alot of attitude so naturally I found her hilarious.

During the interview process, she asks me why I wanted to work at this "rehab" location. I did my best Tom Hanks performance (play violin dramatic music here) and told her that my uncle was an alcoholic and how alcoholism ran in parts of my family and how if I could just help one person rehabilitate themselves, the world would be a better place. I wiped my virtual tear from my face.

"This isn't a drug rehab location," Adriana tells me. "We do rehab for worker's comp claims."

(long pause. 2nd long pause)

"I can do that too! I tell her with enthusiasm.

I got the job.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Dan Mintz pulled the plug on his grandma!


Miley Cyrus turned 18 this November 23rd. Bang Brothers did you hear that?

Former U.S President Jimmy Carter has released his latest best selling book: "White House Diary". Here are some exerpts:
Page 123 - "Saturday Night Fever? A movie about Disco Dancing! Who is going to see that?
Page 338 - "I kinda under estimated that Ayatollah Khomeini dude. I'm confident we will get the hostages home very soon."

War is on the brink as North Korea has killed 2 South Koreans by shelling a South Korean Island according to Gilligan and the Professor.

Leonardo Di Caprio travelled to Russia to donate $1 million dollars to save tigers from extinction. He's grreat! (apologies to Frosted Flakes)

The TSA is still freaky. They have set up a complaint number. You must be 18 years to call and wil be billed $2.99 a minute.

Security software manufacturer BitDefender has released a report claiming that 20% of Facebook users are exposed to malware. I’m not surprised. With everyone poking each other,you’re bound to catch a virus.

Monday, November 22, 2010

A strange Source of Inspiration - Die Antwoord

Inspiration can come from an unlikely source. In this case I was inspired by the South African group, Die Antwoord. I'm serious. Here is why they inspired me and why they should inspire you. They believe in their "art" and are doing music their way which is very strange and unconventional. By today's music standards, they shouldn't exist. The main rapper is a tall,skinny, weird looking dude. The Dj wears a mask on stage. The female singer is short, has a weird haircut and has bad teeth.

But judging by how they perform on stage, you wouldn't know it. They believe that what they are doing is ground breaking and "next level shit". Their belief in their artistic vision has translated into a cult following that now includes me. I wake up ever day singing the shorus: " I got what you want boy ". I admit, it sounds very gay but the chorus is catchy.

In an interview with them, the lead singer, Ninja says that they just wanted to do different music and they never waivered from that vision.

How does that relate to blogging? Well blogging too is an expression of yourself. In a very real sense, bloggers are artists/writers. Too often there is a tendency to get "writer's block" or to doubt the value of our work. I say be like Die Antwoord and re-write your own reality. Believe in your vision, in your art, and don't worry about the critics. Who knows maybe in due time, you too can have a cult following. But if you do get a cult following, No Kool aid please

Die Antwoord "I got what you want"


Pope Benedict XVI has relaxed his stance on condom use. That's not surprising for decades he's been good at covering up.

TSA is out of control. I just flew in and got an intrusive patdown. When he was done he asked me if we were just friends?

The FDA has ordered that the pain medications Darvon and Darvocet be taken off the shelves. That hurts.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows had the fifth biggest opening in film history. The biggest opening in film history? Kim Kardashian's sex tape.

The FDA has approved a second trial of human embryonic stem cells to test cells in people with a progressive form of blindness. Scientists believe that if the trials are successful,referees may finally make the correct calls.

Justin Bieber was the big winner at the American Music Awards. The most commonly heard phrase that night was "Leave it to Bieber"

Friday, November 19, 2010

Tracking "Jayhad" from the Middle East to Anaheim,CA

I became aware of a so-called Middle-Eastern comedian named “Jayhad”. I was told he was not funny and was ill prepared and he did every stereotypical type of joke imaginable. In addition, he has the tendency to ask the listener if they “get” the joke. He claims to be the funniest comedian from the Middle East. I couldn’t help but to track him down and bring him to my place and tape some of his “jokes”. When I asked him specifically where he was from he simply said “over there” and pointed east. He claims that his jokes are so funny that they will unite enemies. He said the word is a better place when we laugh. It is with great reservation that I introduce you to Jayhad. I apologize in advance.

"Jayhad" the world's worst Middle Eastern Comedian

A penny for your thoughts

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Nas "The World is Yours" - Classic Hip Hop


Eva Longoria has filed for divorce from NBA star Tony Parker citing "irreconcilabel differences". Yeah apparently she is Catholic and he likes to have sex with other women.

Scientists at NASA have announced that they have discovered the youngest black hole 50 million light years away. It prefers to be called an African-American Hole.

California has the distinction of having seven of 10 cities with the worse air quality. You can tell. The bear on the flag now wears a gas mask.

Eight members of the House have found Charlie Rangel guilty of 11 ethics violation. Good grief Charlie Rangel.

Warner Brothers is investigating a leak of the newest Harry Potter film. They will try to plug the leak starting with "top hat" if that doesn't work they will try "top kill" if that doesn't work...

The TSA is under alot of criticism for their airline security "pat downs". It didn't help that one guard's jacket read:

We have a weiner of the caption contest!

It was tough to choose a weiner for this contest as many were excellent. You guys are a creative bunch. Again it was tough but I went with the caption that made me chuckle the loudest. Look I know comedy is subjective and this does not mean that other captions were any less funny. They were all great.

I also tried really hard to not have any biases or give preferential treatment based on how well I get along with the blogger. I can't stand contests where only "friends" reward other "friends". I want to give everyone a real chance at winning my contests even if the prize is only 2 used books.

About the winner. She is Gnetch (At least that what her blog says). She has a really funny blog called: "Thank Goodness for the Good Ones". This is her URL: http://thankgoodnessforthegoodones.blogspot.com/

Please don't hate me for not choosing your caption. It's never personal. To all those that played, thank you for making it a success. I had lots of fun!

Monday, November 15, 2010


Top Senate Republicans are making a public push to eliminate “earmarks”. “It’s too late now” said a pissed off Evander Hollyfield.

Christina Aguilera received a star on Hollywood's "Walk of Fame". That's not that remarkable considering that she's a genie in a bottle.

Rumors are circulating that Bill Clinton will make an appearance in "The Hangover 2" but not before being prepped by an expert on that topic: George W.Bush.

Mixed Martial Arts fighter Chuck "the iceman" Liddell is getting married. It took a woman to submit him.

At the San Diego airport, a man caused a scene when he refused to undergo a full body scan or have his groin brushed. Wait, they brush your groin for free? I'm Travelling this weekend. Where? It doesn't matter.

Annie Lobert, a former prostitute, has started a group aimed at helping other Las Vegas Hookers. Her group is called “Hookers for Jesus”. Listen just because she was able to make hundreds of men yell “Oh Jesus God”, that does not make her a disciple of the Lord.

In Dubai, the latest fashion trend is getting temporary tattoos made from real 24-carot gold. The manufacturer is the same guy that invented douches

Thursday, November 11, 2010


Scientists at Oxford University in England have found that the game "Tetris" may ease traumatic flashbacks in patients. However, one side effect includes not getting that song out of your head.

The National Labor Relations Board filed a complaint arguing in court that American Medical Response of Connecticut (AMR) unlawfully fired one of their employees who allegedly posted negative comments about her boss. The Court will have to decide two issues: 1- was she fired lawfully? 2- Is poking on Facebok sexual harrassment?

Tuesday, the 88 year old actress,Betty White was made an honorary ranger by the U.S Forest Service. Her main duty included not dying.

A news traffic helicopter captured a video of what appears to be a missle launched 35miles from Los Angeles. It would have launched sooner but it was stuck in traffic.

Amazon is creating a stir for selling an E-book on Pedophilia entitled "The Pedophile's Guide to Love and Pleasure" It contains a preface from Pope Benedict XVI.

In addition to stricter warnings, the FDA is proposing adding graphic imagery including pictures of corpses to discourage young people from smoking. This is good news for Larry King who has a photo shoot next week.

Obama met with South Korea and was unable to reach a free-trade pact agreement. The South Koreans did not appreciate Obama's performance of "I'm your Seoul man."

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Confucius say be careful with Online dating

It seems like many bloggers have been talking about bad dates so I thought I'd share a true and funny story about an online date I had many moons ago. I call this story: The great wall of China.

Long time ago, when the internet was creepy, I was chatting with a girl on-line. I saw her pic and she looked aight. She was Asian.

"Hello" I typed.
"Hello" she responded. Progress!

I don't recall what I said or how I said it but I convinced her to give me her number. I had only dated one other Asian before. She was 1/2 Korean and 1/2 Vietnamese. Which means her Pho Thai included Kimchi. I didn't know much about Asians.

Do they become Ninjas at night? Can they fly across buildings? If they move really fast will I hear a fast,whipping sound? Do they fear Godzilla? Can they parallel park?

People, I did not know. This added to the mystique.

We would talk at night. She had a big accent which made talking to her fun.
"You know I no time. I work go to school. No time."
"What are you studying?"

We talked on a regular basis and eventhough there was a slight language barrier, she had a sense of humor. Finally I decided to step up my game.

"We should meet"
(hesitation) " I'm very busy"
"You can be free one day" (Persistance)
"I don't know if you will like me?"
"How come?" (my heart pounds harder)
"because of my teeth (???)
"What's wrong with your teeth? (anxiety is increasing)
"They black! You see in China toothpaste not good like America.

Now what would a normal dude do in this spot? Exactly! get the F--- out and run.
Of course I didn't take the normal route. I was curious. I thought she was just being insecure. I have to admit, she did not smile too wide in her picture.

After talking to her for a while, and right before meeting, she said, "Am I your girlfriend? I rationalized that if I say no, we wouldn't meet. I did what all guys do, I told her what she wanted to hear. "Yeah if you want."

So this is weird. I have a girlfriend from Shanghai that I have yet to meet who warned me about having black teeth. We decided to meet and I invited her to come to my classroom where I thought ESL to Asian students.

The day before I was supposed to meet my "girlfriend", I announce to the class that I have a girlfriend from China. I thought that they would accept me more if they knew that the bean was down with the rice.


We planned to meet at a Denny's located in the same building where I taught. I was anxious. I see a tiny Asian lady with straight black hair walking towards me.

Observation #1: The picture was at least 10 years old!
Observation#2: Her teeth looked like the Great Wall of China.

She made Tiger Woods look toothless. I was stuck. The worse part is she will sit in my class where my students will meet my "girlfriend".

"You fyat" She told me. (Asian interpretation: You're fat)

I start class by briefly introducing Great Wall of China. I rush through the lesson sweating bullets in the process. Class dismissed.

After class, I just kept my head down and acted very distant. I pretended to get upset over something she said in order to kill this noise.

"Why you so mad?" she questioned me. I kept on walking without turning around. We never talked after that and I'm still fyat.

Monday, November 8, 2010


Amid economic concerns, the price of gold set a record by selling above $1400 an ounce. Mr. T’s financial planner is a genius.

Lady Gaga is upset at Eva Longoria for wearing a "ham" dress. It turns out Lady Gaga is Muslim.

The U.S is dissapointed with Israel's decision to continue building in East Jerusalem, where Palestinians want to build their capital as an independent state. Finders keepers.

Dallas Cowboy coach, Wade Phillips has been fired after starting 1-7. Eventhough he has no plans on losing weight, he has been invited to be a guest on "The Biggest Loser."

Former president George W. Bush has written a book called "Decision Points". It can be found in your local book store under "fiction".

The "Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis gor married to his longtime girlfriend. The reception included a traditional dollar dance, a conga line, and one hell of a wet T-shirt contest

Saturday, November 6, 2010


Keith Olberman has been suspended from MSNBC for making contributions to three political candidates. I can't wait until he comes back with his new show: Countdown to Unemployment.

Lindsay Lohan took a break from Rehab and went shopping at Forever 21, blowing $250 dollars on clothes. Speaking of blowing, she is set to play Linda Lovelace in the movie Deepthroat. I know that's hard to swallow.

Police discovered a dead man outside the Playboy Mansion. Initially they thought Hugh Hefner had passed out.

Obama met with India and worked out a $10 billion dollar deal aimed at creating American jobs, mainly at 7-11.

A plane crashed in Cuba killed all 68 on board. All that remained was clothes but no cigar.

Dallas Cowboys' Roy Williams said that they can still make the playoffs eventhough they are 1-6. This prompted the NFL commissioner to beging drug testing the Dallas Cowboys immediately.

The U.S has broken a record for advance orders of "Call of Duty: Black Ops. To get the more violent version you can order Call of Duty: White Cops.
(Google: Police Officer Johannes Mehserle in Oakland California)

Friday, November 5, 2010

Flashback Friday - My trip to New York last year

“I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy…”

My NY Trip

I was finally on the verge of fulfilling a life-long dream-To see the Big Apple. The place has always captivated me mainly because of its mythical status as a place that exists “out there”. Out there in the history books-Out there in the movies –Out there where Robert Deniro roams the dark streets in a taxi-Out there where Andy Warhol displayed his portraits of American icons while surrounded by the city eccentrics-Out there where “The Warriors” are being chased by gangs in the trains to avenge the killing of a gang leader-Out there where Kool Herc played break beat records in the Bronx to the youth in what became Hip Hop as we know it now. The truth is that the city has been cleaned up and the trains have very little graffiti. I was to discover that although things change, they oftentimes remain unchanged in its essence and character.

Before the trip, I got ill. Where I got ill, I will never know. But, if I had to bet, I’d say I got sick at the casino. (Did you catch that clever pun?). Once, after losing cash and hope at the Commerce Casino, I noticed that I felt very weak. So it is with this lowered immune and running nose that I approach The John Wayne Airport. The good news is that I get to share same oxygen with, I don’t know, 250 other fuckin’ people! I close my eyes pretending to be normal. I feel worse. I want to vomit and I have to shit. My body is basically telling me, “ what is inside must come out”. I ask the stewardess(Is that correct?) for water and I prevent an episode of chunk projectiles. We arrive at the Chicago airport. I must compliment the Chicago airport for their clean and heavy duty toilets. I was relieved. We take a plane from Chicago to New York. I close my eyes and when I wake up I was in La Guardia.

We arrived in N Y and now what? We still need to reach Brooklyn Heights. (We rented an apartment for 5 days). We were lost and we had luggage out. We did have a map and a one week pass to travel. As soon as we stepped out into New York, I got hit with the elements. It was cold and windy and the air smelled like diesel fuel. I was in NY and air quality doesn’t mean shit here. We asked a black lady how to get to Brooklyn Heights and were told that we need to take a bus and a train to our location. While waiting for the bus, I noticed a young Asian man talking loudly to himself. “You made a big mistake”, he kept muttering to himself. I began to think that he may have been talking about me. I felt at home. It reminded me of Hollywood where they take schizophrenia to a new level. On the bus it was mainly brothas’ and sistas’. (That’s right I said it. They had attitude (shocking) and were pretty funny. I got to overhear a phone conversation. I can’t recall the details; just that it was funny. They had “Homeland Security” jackets. I thought to myself, “America is doomed”.

We stood in an old apartment in a town called Brooklyn Heights. We were by the river near a promenade. From the park you could see the river and the Brooklyn Bridge. I fed the pigeons and they liked me. It turns out that just liked my bread. The buildings looked like a street scene of Seinfeld or the Cosby Show; Old buildings made of bricks and couples walking their dogs. The leaves were bright yellow and orange and it was very windy. The place smelled of wet leaves and dog shit. This created a dichotomy. On the one hand, the leaves and buildings are beautiful. On the other hand, it smells like dog shit. The people seemed to be comfortably middle class; almost yuppie. I knew I wasn’t in the “real” Brooklyn. There were no black people. I wanted to see where the Notorious B.I.G lived. The place was safe to walk at night. I also noticed that all the blocks leave their garbage in big bags out front. Apparently, the mob still runs the rubbish industry and Mickey “the ears” Luizzini picks up the garbage if and when he wants. There was a neighborhood store that sold produce and goods for high prices. There were Delis and several mom and pop shops. They had an Indian Restaurant that was delicious until my girlfriend discovered a roach in her soup. The vibe here was positive. The local Starbucks was always filled with people reading or couples talking or working on their computer. Across the street they sold muffins. I bought one and enjoyed it. I kept drinking OJ. I was still sick.

The good thing about having a week pass is that allowed us to travel NY by train. We took many, many trains to be like the locals. On one trip I wanted to yell, “Holy Torah there is a lot of fuckin’ Jews here!” But that would be considered anti-Semitic. Seriously, on one trip there were 20 Hasidic Jews on the train-black coats, curly hair, bearded and all. The waiting station is hot and riding the train made me very uncomfortable only because I have social phobia and riding the train forced me to be close to strangers. It was worse when I had to stand and gaze at people’s empty stares. There were a few entertainers as well that helped with the wait and ride. There was this white girl who fiddled country tunes. There was a Latino guitar player that changed a tune to Spanish when he saw my girlfriend and I. There were bongo players on the train. The New Yorkers were very gracious with giving directions. We got around the city simply by saying, “Hey how do I get to X?”

I was supposed to see a hip hop show at a hall in Harlem but I went on the wrong day so I got to walk around near the Apollo Theatre. I liked Harlem. They had a lot of Hustlers outside their shops trying to sell you shit. It was very busy on the street but I didn’t stay there long.

Have you ever seen an army of ants attack a piece of bread on the ground? That’s what Time Square is like-millions of people, millions of lights and just nonstop energy. It was impressive. But, again, too many people in too small a space. I ate a hot dog off a stand cuz I had to. I was in NY and the hot dog sucked but I did my duty as a tourist. I took a picture of an Asian lady dressed as Hello Kitty. As soon as she removed the head, I snapped a picture. That is my favorite picture.

Took the Ferry and waited my ass off. By this point in the trip I had mucus in my lungs and was spitting like a sailor. Got to where the statute is and the bitch is big and green.

We went to Lil’ Italy at night and it was beautiful. The main block was bigger than I thought and we ended up in some restaurant. I ate Lasagna. When I left, the man said, “Grazi”. I was like, ”hell yeah that was Fuckin’ Italian. There were countless rows of restaurants, lights, bars, and Italian flags hanging from buildings. I was disappointed to not witness a mob hit.

They are all the same.

This park was amazing because the landscape looks like a Monet painting. There were tons of trees and the orange leaves were like it was part of a romantic scene. There were many couples, and joggers, as well as people giving tours on bikes and horses. Most of the tour guides were Jamaican. One directed me to the bathroom. It was windy and cold and my body wasn’t used to it. I didn’t venture too deep into the park but it was a magical place.

This place had tons of Gays. That’s cool I’m anti Prop 8 but man oh man I heard so many lisps that night. I had the best pizza ever at John’s of Bleeker Street. Apparently, this is Woody Allen’s favorite place, besides elementary schools. Outside, on the window is a signed poster of the Ramones. We walked around a bit and stumbled onto a bar that played live New Orleans style Jazz. Super Fuckin’ cool. I would definitely go back. The waitress was nice and the customers were as well. The jazz players were these old guys with mad skills on the trumpet, trombone, and drums. It was fun and low key.

I put on the ice skates, held the rail, and left after 20 minutes. My old bones were aching.

It was pretty emotional to be at the place where the 911 attack took place. It was boarded up so I had to see it from its parameter. But you still get to appreciate the enormity of the damage as the hole where the twin towers is still there. Also, on the other side, the fire department lies smack across and I got to see and videotape the wall of the station that is a memorial to the fire fighters that lost their lives. It was very sad to be there. Directly facing Ground Zero are buildings that were present when the 911 attacks took place. The buildings were huge and to think that the twin towers dwarfed those. Recently I was watching “Coming to America” with Eddie Murphy and there is a night scene where Eddie is on a date and you can see the lit twin towers in the back. It was chilling.

A funny incident occurred on one night. My girlfriend and I decided to go to a comedy club in Manhattan. The host was trying to make small talk with the audience members; looking to embarrass them later. I know the game. For this reason, we decided to sit in the back to be invisible. It didn’t work. “Hey you back there. Where are you from?”(Silence).”Hello you two” he continued. (more silence). “Habla Ingles?” In an instant, the host determined that we were non-English Speaking immigrants from Mexico. He’s almost correct. That became the tag line. Even now I ask my girlfriend, “Habla Ingles?”

NY is not Los Angeles. This is obvious logically. But until you experience it subjectively, you can’t begin to appreciate the nuances. For one NY has few Mexicans. I missed the homies and their attitude. I missed Mexican food. I couldn’t find a taco stand anywhere. True Story: I went to a deli in Brooklyn Heights and asked the waiter if he could get me a side of salsa. “Marinara sauce?” he asked. I asked if he had tortillas. He chuckled and said no. They had neither. The guy looked Hispanic. I thought he would feel my pain of eating food tortilla-free. I do like the direct communication of New Yorkers. Cut to the chase man. I have shit to do. “ Hello how are you today?” NO! I don’t want to bond with you sales person at Old Navy.

I could see how Californians could interpret the direct talk as rude but I am of the opinion that wasting time communicating is ruder still. Because NY is so compact, a lot of shit is at walking distance. That was pretty cool-to be able to survive without a car. The thing is you pay a price for that. The price is a lack of private space. I liked the energy of NY. There is a night life and tons of people are out and about doing shit. L.A sucks in this regard. You pretty much have to go Hollywood or the Westside to do shit and then when you arrive, you have to contend with Paris Hilton wannabes.

That reminds me, in NY people are too busy to be worried about “image”. I got a sense from observing the street vendors that work is work and even the least glamorous workers like those passing out flyers take pride in that. I liked that. It’s like New Yorkers are being reminded daily of the hustle that is New York. I learned that you need a lot of time to see NY. There is so much to do. But for me, the adventure was in not knowing what was going to happen. It was like watching movie in real time where I didn’t know the ending and at the end of the show I felt entertained and gained a little more insight. Credits roll…

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


Heidi Montag is reportedly broke and is heading to Bankruptcy Court. She plans on paying back her debt by selling some of her plastic to Lego.

A California initiative that would have legalized marijuana was defeated by the voters that actually had the energy to get to the polls.

Greece is suspending air shipments of mail after discovering that some bombs were sent from the capital. A reality show about this is already in the works: My big fat Greek explosion.

San Francisco has banned the Happy Meal in an ordinance that limits toy giveaways in unhealthy food. Now THAT's gay!

After losing many Democratic seats in the House, Obama said he felt bad about losing. Chicago Cub fans told him welcome home.

Rescued Chilean miner is preparing to run the NYC marathon. His head lamp will come in handy in spotting muggers.

" My bun is fine Benny Lava" Had me laughing in tears

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

David Cross

Halloween Schmalloween - Why I avoid getting into the holiday "spirit"

For many years I avoided going to holiday events. It's not that I'm cynical and bitter it's just that I'm cynical and bitter. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for having a good time with good company. The problem is holidays have a tendency to set expectations and create pressure and this isn't fun for me.

This last Haloween was no exception.

I get a call from an old friend. His name is roger but his D.J name is DJ. Daze. Back in the days when we were young and had energy, we were part of a hip hop group. He would DJ and I would rap. That was about 1000 years ago.

I get a text from "DJ. Daze" and he tells me he is having a party- A costume party. I thought cool. A bunch of has-beens trading war stories would be good. I pictured a bunch of geriatrics complaining about some nagging ache or a sprain that won't go away. I was ready.

First problem: No costume. Solution: The Goodwill Store. PRO: $9.00 Costume CON: "What the hell kind of monster are you supposed to be? (Note that is the pic of my "scary costume" I look like a bad version of swamp thing.

I bought that cheap costume and against my better judgment I decide to get into the "Halloween spirit". I also bought a skull with bulgy eyes that sings, "Somebody's watching me". It would have been better if Geico had not used the same song to describe it as the money you could have saved...

My girlfriend and I show up to Norwalk,CA. The front yard looks like a tent and there is a DJ and a bunch of kids. We are also one of the first people to arrive. It's like that commercial: "Wanna get away?". More kids show up. They looked like they were 10. I thought to myself: Am I the freaking chaperone here? The kids did what kids do. They danced, they laughed, they had a good time.

I did what old, grumpy people do. I left. (But not before eating a crap load of tacos) Next destination: Mom's house to pass out candy. I passed out candy to kids dressed as princesses, bees, and whatever Disney characters are in mode.

I just stood there with my $9 costume passing out candies to kids- making the Dental industry rich in the process.

Monday, November 1, 2010


Paul Reubens, who played the "Pee Wee Herman" character in the 80's is heading to Broadway. Those in the front row will be given goggles and towels.

The Pentagon has confirmed that bombs originating, in Yemen and bound for a U.S airline, were intercepted by U.S and British Intelligence which I admit sounds like an oxymoron.

Sunday, Tom Cruise was on the set of Mission Impossible 4. If you don't know the plot, it involves the Democrat's attempt to save their House seats.

The Minnesota Vikings have released wide receiver, Randy Moss. The good news though is he will be the new spokesman for Capital One. "What's in your wallet?"

A new study has found that kids that text message, especially before bedtime, can develop cognitive problems and ADHD. They also found that those same kids make for great thumb wrestlers.

Gay activists are protesting Ron Howard's film, "The Dilemma" over a gay joke invloving Vince Vaughn calling elctric cars "gay". Gays feel like they have been back-stabbed. Let me re-phrase that.