Tuesday, May 17, 2011

A Tribute, Comedy, and my Bladder

Tonight I went to Hollywood to a tribute to the late, Mitch Hedberg. To those that may not know who he is, he is perhaps my favorite comedian. The guy was super funny and original and a true comedy legend. Even in his apparent simplicity, his jokes contain a depth and originality that is mind blowing. He was a comics' comic and he was known to be super shy but very generous and had a gentle soul. In 2005, he died a very young man. It is believed that he had a heart condition that led to his death. But it is also no secret that he did drugs. "I used to do drugs. I still do but I used to too."

The tribute was organized by his late wife Lynn Shawcroft. It was held at the Steve Allen Theatre on Hollywood Boulevard. The crowd ranged from young, old male, female, comedians, weirdos, and everyone in between.

Rare footage was shown in Mitch doing a live set at some small comedy club. Later several comedians performed including Nick Thune, Kyle Kinane, Garfunkel and Oates, and Morgan Murphy. The comedians were very funny and I tried my best to enjoy the show but then my dick began to betray me and it conspired with my bladder to make me look bad.

Early on, I had to piss but the trouble was that in order to use the bathroom, I had to walk to the front of the stage. I tried to hold it in. I tried everything. I meditated, I ignored it, I pinched the northern region, I shook my foot like I had restless leg syndrome.

One comedian finished and I thought I had a break to the restroom and then the host would beging, "coming to the stage..." Now I can't go and my leg is vibrating and I can't even hear half the jokes that the comedians are saying. I felt moisture in my pants. THANK GOD I'M WEARING BLACK JEANS.

I now have a to strategize. How many punchlines before my pants resembles Mississippi (too soon sorry). More squirts out! How old am I...three?

The next comedian finishes and I run to the bathroom faster than cousins at the border.


I have to shower now.


  1. Now- THAT'S dedication. I'm sure Mitch would be proud. Sounds like a great night.

  2. Oh man, I am so sorry all that happened! Truely sucks. "I hate purple people. Unless they are choking."

  3. Now those are some manners Israel! P.S. I am obsessed with Mitch Hedberg. I love his joke about buying a donut and not needing the receipt. "I cannot imagine a situation in which I needed to prove that I bought the donut."

  4. Manners made your bladder sadder.
    In line with Lilly just wrote: why do we get a receipt when we get the newspaper (in this age of the internet, 'newspaper.' How quaint!)? Is that in case we don't like the news? "Hey, that whole Libya thing just ain't working for me. I'd like my money back, please."

  5. I would have walked to the front of the stage and made fast for the restroom, right in the middle of an act if I had too. I'm not sure if it was shyness, politeness, or dedication that kept you squirming in your chair, but whatever it was - I must be lacking in it.