Wednesday, December 22, 2010

An open letter to Flu

Dear Flu:

You are a liar! The last time we were reunited you promised me that you would leave me alone if I took better care of myself and I did my part.

I played tennis, jumped rope, did push ups, and ate food that was green. In addition, I drank green tea on a regular basis. I even forced myself to eat raw garlic each night. But so far only women and vampires have evaded me.

I kept my end of the bargain but you failed to live up to yours. Being bed ridden has given me a chance to look back on certain events that offer a clue into your "character" and I use that term lightly.

I learned that you don't discriminate. Little Susie looks cute mispronouncing words and making hats out of paper cups but did you let Little Susie be a happy kid? No! you waited and waited and when you saw the opporunity, you entered her system. I would describe in greater detail how you did that but I took very few science classes in college. But that's besides the point.

I like how you enter a room at social events, univited and remain silent and incognito and you do that stupid smirk that is supposed to be cute and everyone falls for it but not me! I have seen that look before. It was right before I started coughing up yellow stuff.

It was also very sneaky how you "Networked" with some of the plants and trees so that they could release pollen on command causing thousands of people to sneeze all over the world. Don't think that I didn't see you and your virus friends in the midsts of those sneezes. Check your Facebook tomorrow I have tagged MANY pictures of you and your Virus buddies being douches.

I'm exposing you for what you are to the blogging community. Your secrecy used to be your power but now you have been exposed like a corrupt politician banging a prostitute. I'm warning everyone to avoid going to the spots that you like to frequent such as bars and inside the mouths of anyone because as we have established you are like a student on Saturday. NO CLASS.

I was starting to feel guilty about the pain I caused you when I gulped that orange juice and that Robitussin. But I thought about all the pain you have caused me and the guilt turned to anger. Don't think for a second that I don't hear your screams. Oh I hear them. I'm not deaf, I'm ignoring you.

This is your last chane to leave on your own accord and to keep your word. If not I may be forced to take a flu shot and if that doesn't kill you, a tequila shot.


  1. LOL give me the flu's Facebook, I got some payback that I need to give him!

    I'm glad you're feeling better!

  2. Go with the tequila shot. In fact, go with plenty of them. By the time you regain consciousness, the flu will be long gone.

  3. BEST.POST.EVER. ---ok maybe not EVER but close enough! This was cute, entertaning and hellaciouslly funny! I don't even know if hellaciously is a real word but who cares? Drink hot tea with lemon and honey! Hope Flu leaves soon! Kick her out! She's gotta be a woman what with carrying all that vengeance! lol

  4. That does it! Just to be on the safe side I'm gonna stop licking toilet seats in bus terminal restrooms.

    I hope you're feeling better, Israel! I'm thanking you and other friends in today's blog post. Come check it out!

  5. The flu... Well, this sucks ass. I usually take DayQuil and NyQuil for about a week but I am hardly functional when I am on medication so work was a drag. Hope you feel better soon.

  6. I can't wait to see the Flu's retort to this. haha

  7. Love this! I agree, go with the Tequila. This will allow you to expel everything from your system, including the flu.

  8. Tequila is good. Drink enough of it, and you'll forget all about the 'flu (and everything else). My sympathies, chum. Get well soon

  9. Good one! You might wanna include oil of oregano. It's quite effective. Feel better!! And happy holiday!

  10. The only way to avoid the flu is with a shot. My husband got a shot and he is the only one without the flu in this vomiting family. Orange juice doesn't have the balls to kill the flu. Sorry Israel!

    My daughter is happy, she lost at least 5 pounds so far.