Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Confucius say be careful with Online dating

It seems like many bloggers have been talking about bad dates so I thought I'd share a true and funny story about an online date I had many moons ago. I call this story: The great wall of China.

Long time ago, when the internet was creepy, I was chatting with a girl on-line. I saw her pic and she looked aight. She was Asian.

"Hello" I typed.
"Hello" she responded. Progress!

I don't recall what I said or how I said it but I convinced her to give me her number. I had only dated one other Asian before. She was 1/2 Korean and 1/2 Vietnamese. Which means her Pho Thai included Kimchi. I didn't know much about Asians.

Do they become Ninjas at night? Can they fly across buildings? If they move really fast will I hear a fast,whipping sound? Do they fear Godzilla? Can they parallel park?

People, I did not know. This added to the mystique.

We would talk at night. She had a big accent which made talking to her fun.
"You know I no time. I work go to school. No time."
"What are you studying?"

We talked on a regular basis and eventhough there was a slight language barrier, she had a sense of humor. Finally I decided to step up my game.

"We should meet"
(hesitation) " I'm very busy"
"You can be free one day" (Persistance)
"I don't know if you will like me?"
"How come?" (my heart pounds harder)
"because of my teeth (???)
"What's wrong with your teeth? (anxiety is increasing)
"They black! You see in China toothpaste not good like America.

Now what would a normal dude do in this spot? Exactly! get the F--- out and run.
Of course I didn't take the normal route. I was curious. I thought she was just being insecure. I have to admit, she did not smile too wide in her picture.

After talking to her for a while, and right before meeting, she said, "Am I your girlfriend? I rationalized that if I say no, we wouldn't meet. I did what all guys do, I told her what she wanted to hear. "Yeah if you want."

So this is weird. I have a girlfriend from Shanghai that I have yet to meet who warned me about having black teeth. We decided to meet and I invited her to come to my classroom where I thought ESL to Asian students.

The day before I was supposed to meet my "girlfriend", I announce to the class that I have a girlfriend from China. I thought that they would accept me more if they knew that the bean was down with the rice.


We planned to meet at a Denny's located in the same building where I taught. I was anxious. I see a tiny Asian lady with straight black hair walking towards me.

Observation #1: The picture was at least 10 years old!
Observation#2: Her teeth looked like the Great Wall of China.

She made Tiger Woods look toothless. I was stuck. The worse part is she will sit in my class where my students will meet my "girlfriend".

"You fyat" She told me. (Asian interpretation: You're fat)

I start class by briefly introducing Great Wall of China. I rush through the lesson sweating bullets in the process. Class dismissed.

After class, I just kept my head down and acted very distant. I pretended to get upset over something she said in order to kill this noise.

"Why you so mad?" she questioned me. I kept on walking without turning around. We never talked after that and I'm still fyat.


  1. Hahaha ohh, I feel for you!

    You know it is never a good sign when they ask 'Am I your girlfriend?' before you see her in the flesh.

  2. Would typing "Godzirra" have been one step too far?

    Oh the Internet, thank you for bringing me so much real life joy.

  3. Oh my goodness, well,I think you handled it with tact. She'll forever think that it was your 'fwatness' rather than her teeth that was the problem!

  4. I do all my online dating via RedTube.

  5. Wow...It's possible for teeth to be black? I'm curious but I know better so I won't look.

  6. So funny! Stay away from those black teeth!!

  7. Black teeth ROCK!

    BTW, maybe she was saying you're phat, which is a GOOD thing!

  8. Oh Isreal - what a nightmare! It's funny now though, which is true of most shitty things in life.

  9. Ugh black teeth is a deal breaker. Unfortunately I can empathize with your tale of e-dating woe. Been there many, many times!!!

  10. She had you at "Fri ri"? right? lol BEST.BAD.DATE.STORY.EVER!!!! You even beat mine! :)

  11. Wow! What a story! But, you know, I'm proud of you for getting out there and TRYING, black teeth and all! Thanks for sharing, this was hilarious!!

  12. LMFAO, this is hilarious ! Yeah, Asians don't hold back on weight, they will let you know if they think you're fat !

    I can't believe you agreed to meet up with her.

    WTH were you thinking ?

    And btw, the internet is STILL creepy.