Kid Rock is scheduled to host the CMT Awards (Country Music Television) unless his girl leaves him,someone kills his dog,or his truck breaks down.
On Thursday, the House approved legislation that may make it possible for Puerto Rico to become our 51st state or they can opt for their own statehood. Isn't that Spanish Harlem?
Have you heard of the Dallas Maverick Maneuver? It's like the Heimlich Maneuver, except you keep choking over and over again followed by a period of hope. The process repeats itself.
Legislators in Hawaii have approved a civil union bill that will allow same sex couples the same rights as married couples. In otherwords, misery is now an equal opportunity partner.
Lindsey Lohan is creating a stir for a controversial photo that shows her posing with a gun in her mouth. Immediately after that photo shoot, the gun had to get detoxed.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
4-28-10
The economy in Greece is so bad that their currency is no longer the Euro is the Gyro.
A team of evangelical explorers claim to have found the remains Noah's Ark on Mount Ararat in Turkey. They also claim to have found the corpse of the tooth fairy.
Tony Herrera,the Arizona representative for a movement called "Boycott Arizona 2010"is planning a protest outside the stadium of the Arizona Diamondbacks. Supporters are encouraged to show up and express their voice, until the cops start checking I.Ds.
After much pressure from Democrats to have a debate on Finance Reform, Republicans finally agreed to have a debate. However, the Republicans acting like wiseguys still threatened to use their VITO power if push comes to shove.
In a ruling announced Wednesday, the court of appeals upheld a ruling stating that Jerry Seinfeld's wife, Jessica Seinfeld did not infringe on a copyright when she wrote a cookbook that was similar to author Missy Chase Lapine. Ever notice how celebrities get more rulings in their favor and than regular folks? I mean seriously...
In Santa Clara County, CA supervisors voted 3-2 to ban toys in some resturants if the fast food kids' meals are high in calories,salt,fat and sugar. In their next ordinance, they will outlaw fun.
A team of evangelical explorers claim to have found the remains Noah's Ark on Mount Ararat in Turkey. They also claim to have found the corpse of the tooth fairy.
Tony Herrera,the Arizona representative for a movement called "Boycott Arizona 2010"is planning a protest outside the stadium of the Arizona Diamondbacks. Supporters are encouraged to show up and express their voice, until the cops start checking I.Ds.
After much pressure from Democrats to have a debate on Finance Reform, Republicans finally agreed to have a debate. However, the Republicans acting like wiseguys still threatened to use their VITO power if push comes to shove.
In a ruling announced Wednesday, the court of appeals upheld a ruling stating that Jerry Seinfeld's wife, Jessica Seinfeld did not infringe on a copyright when she wrote a cookbook that was similar to author Missy Chase Lapine. Ever notice how celebrities get more rulings in their favor and than regular folks? I mean seriously...
In Santa Clara County, CA supervisors voted 3-2 to ban toys in some resturants if the fast food kids' meals are high in calories,salt,fat and sugar. In their next ordinance, they will outlaw fun.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
4-27-10
In Moscow, madness errupted after the Ukrainian parliament extended Russia's naval base. To express their anger,opponents threw eggs at law makers. It went well with the vodka they had that morning.
Law enforcements in Oregon have told Reed College president, Colin Diver, that he must crack down on drug use in that campus after a student overdosed and died. Following the announcement of the crackdown, students belonging to Delta Alpha Leary have tuned out completely.
Ex UFC champion Tito Ortiz has been arrested for beating up his girlfriend, porn star, Jenna Jameson. She said he is the biggest dick she's ever met- and she should know.
A Delta flight from France to Atlanta had to be diverted after a passenger claimed that he had a bomb on him and false i.d. The "baloon boy dad" said he meant no harm. He's just looking for a reality show.
Kathy Griffin has aired her Pap smear on her D list show. She said she did that to inspire women to get tested for cervical cancer. That show had a different effect, it inspired James Cameron to write a sequel to Aliens.
Human Watch, a human rights group has a detail report alleging torture of prisoners at a secret Iraqi prison. According to the prisoners, they were subjected to continuous episodes of the Tyra Banks Show.
Law enforcements in Oregon have told Reed College president, Colin Diver, that he must crack down on drug use in that campus after a student overdosed and died. Following the announcement of the crackdown, students belonging to Delta Alpha Leary have tuned out completely.
Ex UFC champion Tito Ortiz has been arrested for beating up his girlfriend, porn star, Jenna Jameson. She said he is the biggest dick she's ever met- and she should know.
A Delta flight from France to Atlanta had to be diverted after a passenger claimed that he had a bomb on him and false i.d. The "baloon boy dad" said he meant no harm. He's just looking for a reality show.
Kathy Griffin has aired her Pap smear on her D list show. She said she did that to inspire women to get tested for cervical cancer. That show had a different effect, it inspired James Cameron to write a sequel to Aliens.
Human Watch, a human rights group has a detail report alleging torture of prisoners at a secret Iraqi prison. According to the prisoners, they were subjected to continuous episodes of the Tyra Banks Show.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Uptown Kabob (a poem remember them?)
In uptown Whittier,CA there is a Lebanese restaurant named Uptown Kabob. It is ran by some short, middle-eastern man with bushy eyebrows and his wife who looks like her name could be Olga. He never smiles and neither does she."You know, later tonight we have belly dancers...maybe you invite your friends." He tells me. " I don't have friends only enemies," I tell him only half jesting. "You know you are correct! My son tell me he has friends. I tell him,you know, in many years you will know who your friends are. Not everyone is your friend!" I respect and admire his paranoia. It makes my hummus taste that much better. I attempt to eat the rest of my food but this foreigner continues his rant about trust,loyalty,and friendship. I explain to the man that I am reading a book about the Mexican mafia and he tells me that all mafias are the same-even Armenian and Russian mafias. Now I regret speaking to him. I long for silence while I finish my lula kabob. I take a big gulp of cold water. The food was fantastic. I can still taste the onions underneath my breath.
4-26-10
What's the difference between Big Ben from the Pittsburgh Steelers and Big Ben from England? Well they both stand erect but in England the people have a choice of when they want to leave.
Hugh Hefner is getting really old. He agreed to rescue the Hollywood sign by offering $900,000. He thought he was purchasing a billboard for Playmate Holly Madison.
The Arizona Peace Officer Standards and Training Board is getting ready to set the standards and guidelines for Senate Bill 1070, which Arizona signed into law last week and which makes it a crime to be in the state illegally. To assist them, they have hired the consulting firm of Klux and Duke.
A report by Internal Medicine suggests that people that eat at least a chocolate bar a week are more depressed than the general population. So if someone you know is depressed and you want to cheer them up with kisses, make sure they're not from Hershey's.
"Dexter" star Michael C. Hall has beat cancer. He did it by first stalking it, lying in wait and ambushing it with an ice pick.
Panama's Manuel Noriega will be extradicted to France after spending time in an American jail since 1992 for a drug smuggling. He said if he had to do things differently, he would've just worked for Pfizer or Merck.
Senate investigators are looking into allegations that Goldman Sachs executives fraudulently put their interest ahead of their clients by taking a counter position and betting the opposite way. If found guilty, they may be elligible to be NBA referees.
Republicans voted unanimously to defeat a measure by the Democrats that would have regulated the financial system. This decision is sort of like derivatizes. It makes no sense.
Hugh Hefner is getting really old. He agreed to rescue the Hollywood sign by offering $900,000. He thought he was purchasing a billboard for Playmate Holly Madison.
The Arizona Peace Officer Standards and Training Board is getting ready to set the standards and guidelines for Senate Bill 1070, which Arizona signed into law last week and which makes it a crime to be in the state illegally. To assist them, they have hired the consulting firm of Klux and Duke.
A report by Internal Medicine suggests that people that eat at least a chocolate bar a week are more depressed than the general population. So if someone you know is depressed and you want to cheer them up with kisses, make sure they're not from Hershey's.
"Dexter" star Michael C. Hall has beat cancer. He did it by first stalking it, lying in wait and ambushing it with an ice pick.
Panama's Manuel Noriega will be extradicted to France after spending time in an American jail since 1992 for a drug smuggling. He said if he had to do things differently, he would've just worked for Pfizer or Merck.
Senate investigators are looking into allegations that Goldman Sachs executives fraudulently put their interest ahead of their clients by taking a counter position and betting the opposite way. If found guilty, they may be elligible to be NBA referees.
Republicans voted unanimously to defeat a measure by the Democrats that would have regulated the financial system. This decision is sort of like derivatizes. It makes no sense.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Tennis anyone?
I decide to play tennis today in Anaheim. It was sunny and It's been about a week since I played last. I saw an old man playing by himself. "Wanna Rally?" I ask. He mumbles to himself. "Yeah we can play." I go to shake his hand. Normal etiquette is to introduce yourself and create small talk like, "How long have you been playing? or do you play at this park often? Instead his first words to me were, "It's about time a state does something about illegal aliens." and later..."The feds only care about cheap labor." I got a good workout and was amused when he kept giving Mexicans dirty looks. He was cordial to me after our session. "It was a pleasure playing with you" he said and he gave me a fist pump.
4-23-10
Arizona has signed into law the toughest immigration bill. To show you how tough it is, Chuck Norris had to leave Arizona because the state could only have one sheriff in town.
Sarah palin's daughter Bristol Palin testified in Knoxville that she received harassing phone calls when her mother's email account was hacked and her number was made public. Sarah Palin will also testify as an expert witness since she is an authority on "hacks".
A team of surgeons in Spain have carried out the first full face transplant. Upon hearing about this medical procedure, Minister Pat Roberts inquired about getting that procedure himself. He was told he would have to get two procedures.
The Pitsburgh Pirates had its most embarassing lost when they were defeated 20-0 by the Milwaukee brewers. There was so much scoring that people thought it was a Tiger Woods party.
Kevin Kennedy,a television analyst for the Tampa Bay Rays and 7 others subdued a man on a plane after he threatened to blow up the plane. He grabbed the man and gave a play by play account of the incident.
Geico voice actor, Lance Baxter left a voice message on a Tea Party answering machine asking how many members are retarded. He found out in 15 minutes he was 100% fired from Geico.
Sarah palin's daughter Bristol Palin testified in Knoxville that she received harassing phone calls when her mother's email account was hacked and her number was made public. Sarah Palin will also testify as an expert witness since she is an authority on "hacks".
A team of surgeons in Spain have carried out the first full face transplant. Upon hearing about this medical procedure, Minister Pat Roberts inquired about getting that procedure himself. He was told he would have to get two procedures.
The Pitsburgh Pirates had its most embarassing lost when they were defeated 20-0 by the Milwaukee brewers. There was so much scoring that people thought it was a Tiger Woods party.
Kevin Kennedy,a television analyst for the Tampa Bay Rays and 7 others subdued a man on a plane after he threatened to blow up the plane. He grabbed the man and gave a play by play account of the incident.
Geico voice actor, Lance Baxter left a voice message on a Tea Party answering machine asking how many members are retarded. He found out in 15 minutes he was 100% fired from Geico.
Friday, April 23, 2010
4-22-10
President Obama got applause from main street for talking tough to wall street but until anything actually gets done, we're stuck in sesame street.
A report by the Inspector General states that dozens of Securty Exchange Commission staffers surfed porn sites on work computers. The most watched film was Debbie Does Wall Street.
Supermodel Naomi Campbell stormed out of an ABC interview,pushing a camera, after the reporter asked her whether she had received a"blood diamond" as a gift from deposed African dictator Charles Taylor. I thought she had calmed down with age but I guess she's stil a diamond in the rough.
Lindsay Lohan's dad stormed her L.A apartment with cops trying to "save" her 16 year old daughter from Lindsay's reckless living. As he barged into her apartment, Lindsay immediately reported to Twitter the events as they unfolded. Her Twitter account hung itself.
A blazing oil rig has sunk off the coast of Mexico causing a major oil spill. There hasn't been this much oil on Mexican waters since the crew of Jersey Shore went scuba diving in Cancun.
A report by the Inspector General states that dozens of Securty Exchange Commission staffers surfed porn sites on work computers. The most watched film was Debbie Does Wall Street.
Supermodel Naomi Campbell stormed out of an ABC interview,pushing a camera, after the reporter asked her whether she had received a"blood diamond" as a gift from deposed African dictator Charles Taylor. I thought she had calmed down with age but I guess she's stil a diamond in the rough.
Lindsay Lohan's dad stormed her L.A apartment with cops trying to "save" her 16 year old daughter from Lindsay's reckless living. As he barged into her apartment, Lindsay immediately reported to Twitter the events as they unfolded. Her Twitter account hung itself.
A blazing oil rig has sunk off the coast of Mexico causing a major oil spill. There hasn't been this much oil on Mexican waters since the crew of Jersey Shore went scuba diving in Cancun.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
04-21-10
The U.S Coast Guard has confirmed that there are 12 people missing off the coast of Mexico after a massive fire aboard an oil rig. The fire started after one guy ate two burritos and told another worker,"wanna see a funny trick?" Let me borrow your lighter.
France's President Nicolas Sarkozy said he wants put a bill forward in May that would ban wearing a full veil in public. He said, the full veil “hurts the dignity of women and is unacceptable in French society". Imams in the middle east were offended at the suggestion that women have dignity.
Leonard Nimoy, best known for his role as Spock on the original Star Trek is retiring from acting at age 79. He said he's beam there done that.
Singer Rihanna was taken to the hospital in Switzerland after she complained about having bruised ribs. The night before she was seen in a hotel lobby with a rude boy.
After meeting with abuse victims, Pope Benedict XVI told them that the Catholic Church will take action. Isn't that what caused the problem in the first place?
The U.S Treasury Department has introduced a new makeover of the $100 dollar bill. The technology is more advanced. There are tiny lenses that allow for 3d imaging. If you flip it one way the letters I.O.U. appear.
The U.S House has passed a controversial anti-spam bill but not before being bombarded with male enhancement advertising.
France's President Nicolas Sarkozy said he wants put a bill forward in May that would ban wearing a full veil in public. He said, the full veil “hurts the dignity of women and is unacceptable in French society". Imams in the middle east were offended at the suggestion that women have dignity.
Leonard Nimoy, best known for his role as Spock on the original Star Trek is retiring from acting at age 79. He said he's beam there done that.
Singer Rihanna was taken to the hospital in Switzerland after she complained about having bruised ribs. The night before she was seen in a hotel lobby with a rude boy.
After meeting with abuse victims, Pope Benedict XVI told them that the Catholic Church will take action. Isn't that what caused the problem in the first place?
The U.S Treasury Department has introduced a new makeover of the $100 dollar bill. The technology is more advanced. There are tiny lenses that allow for 3d imaging. If you flip it one way the letters I.O.U. appear.
The U.S House has passed a controversial anti-spam bill but not before being bombarded with male enhancement advertising.
happy 4-20-10
The U.S Supreme Court has struck down a federal law that made it a crime to sell or create dog fights. In otherwords, Michael Vick's home viewing collection is safe for now.
Monday, Pope Benedict met with cardinals to indirectly discuss the abuse scandal that is plaguing the church. Albert Pujols and his teammates had no comment.
Narcissism expert, Dr. James F. Masterson has died at 84. His funeral will be broadcasted live on pay per view.
The FDA is urging Americans to cut back on their salt intake to combat hight blood pressure. As a result of this announcement, the Morton Salt umbrella girl is now unemployed. She said, "when it rains it pours."
Arizona has approved the toughest measure to deal with illegal immigrants.It would require police, if they suspect someone is in the country illegally, to determine the person's immigration status.It also requires police to memorize Mein Kampf and grow short moustaches
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
4-19-19
In Europe, about 8 million passengers have been left stranded as airlines have shut down due to a lingering, dark cloud that, so far, has affected the European economy to the tune of $2 billion. Of course, I'm talking about Greece.
An earthquake in Northern Afghanistan has injured more than 70 and has killed 7 people. This is the first time that the Taliban has been shaken up in several years.
A recent survey from the Pew Research Center found that 80% of Americans don't trust Washington. The other 20% is comprised of Washington.
Actress Christina Applegate is engaged to Porno for Pyro's Martyn Lenoble, at least that what Jane says.
The Rolling Stones will release an unheard single, "Plundered my soul". It's been out for a while. They just can't hear it any more.
In Inglewood California, a man was fatally shot by police inside the City Farm Market after he lunged at police with an axe. Police are withholding his identity but I'm betting it's "Jason".
The next topic is a thing. Can I buy a vowel? I'd like to buy another vowel. I'd like to solve the puzzle Pat : "EYJAFJALLAJOKULL"(The name of the Volcano that is causing airline delays in Europe)
Five airlines have commited to not charging extra for carry-on baggage. This is good news for anyone travelling with Oprah.
An earthquake in Northern Afghanistan has injured more than 70 and has killed 7 people. This is the first time that the Taliban has been shaken up in several years.
A recent survey from the Pew Research Center found that 80% of Americans don't trust Washington. The other 20% is comprised of Washington.
Actress Christina Applegate is engaged to Porno for Pyro's Martyn Lenoble, at least that what Jane says.
The Rolling Stones will release an unheard single, "Plundered my soul". It's been out for a while. They just can't hear it any more.
In Inglewood California, a man was fatally shot by police inside the City Farm Market after he lunged at police with an axe. Police are withholding his identity but I'm betting it's "Jason".
The next topic is a thing. Can I buy a vowel? I'd like to buy another vowel. I'd like to solve the puzzle Pat : "EYJAFJALLAJOKULL"(The name of the Volcano that is causing airline delays in Europe)
Five airlines have commited to not charging extra for carry-on baggage. This is good news for anyone travelling with Oprah.
Friday, April 16, 2010
4-15-10
Quentin Tarantino says he wants to cast Lindsey Lohan in his next film. The movie will have lots of sex, drugs, partying, and fights and that's just the footage of the paparazzis.
Reports of mysterious fireballs in the sky were reported in several midwest states. It turns out Jerry Lee Lewis predicted this phenomena in 1957 when he said,"Goodness gracious great balls of fire."
On Thursday a Federal judge struck down a federal statute that allowed for the National day of prayer, ruling that that it violates the constitution's ban on government backed religion. This was a victory for secular thinkers and atheists who aren't sure who to thank.
Hollywood star Bruce Willis is introducing a new fragrance line. He said that what makes his cologne different than his competitors is that it appeals to the sixth sense.
April 15 is tax day and Tea Party members are having tax protests throughout the country. Opponents of the tea party are having a counter protest at the Boston Harbor where they will dump Tea Party members overboard.
President Obama said he is committed to space exploration and plans on sending a manned mission to Mars by 2030. Republicans are opposing him creating a war of the worlds.
Reports of mysterious fireballs in the sky were reported in several midwest states. It turns out Jerry Lee Lewis predicted this phenomena in 1957 when he said,"Goodness gracious great balls of fire."
On Thursday a Federal judge struck down a federal statute that allowed for the National day of prayer, ruling that that it violates the constitution's ban on government backed religion. This was a victory for secular thinkers and atheists who aren't sure who to thank.
Hollywood star Bruce Willis is introducing a new fragrance line. He said that what makes his cologne different than his competitors is that it appeals to the sixth sense.
April 15 is tax day and Tea Party members are having tax protests throughout the country. Opponents of the tea party are having a counter protest at the Boston Harbor where they will dump Tea Party members overboard.
President Obama said he is committed to space exploration and plans on sending a manned mission to Mars by 2030. Republicans are opposing him creating a war of the worlds.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
4-14-10
Researchers are a step closer to making Viagra for women. Once made available, men everywhere will complain of migrane headaches.
A teenager in In Iowa,Elizabeth Rasmuson designed her prom dress from gum wrappers. The dress was described as cool and winter fresh.
Larry King's 7th wife, Shawn Southwick has filed for divorce amid allegations that the 76 year old cheated on her with her your sister. Damn you Viagra!
Police are reporting that they are now using cars as mobile meth labs. Police can often spot the drivers since they usualy have missing teeth. But it's a bit more challenging in the South where that's the norm.
A poll shows that 90% of Tea Party members believe that the country is headed in the wrong direction. The other 10 % are working hard to make sure we get there.
A teenager in In Iowa,Elizabeth Rasmuson designed her prom dress from gum wrappers. The dress was described as cool and winter fresh.
Larry King's 7th wife, Shawn Southwick has filed for divorce amid allegations that the 76 year old cheated on her with her your sister. Damn you Viagra!
Police are reporting that they are now using cars as mobile meth labs. Police can often spot the drivers since they usualy have missing teeth. But it's a bit more challenging in the South where that's the norm.
A poll shows that 90% of Tea Party members believe that the country is headed in the wrong direction. The other 10 % are working hard to make sure we get there.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
4-13-10
In Somalia, 14 radio stations have stopped playing music after an Islamist insurgent group made threats of harm to them if they played music. The stations have replaced the music with noise and sounds so Lady Gaga will still be played.
A 6.9 earthquake has rattled China killing 67 people. Pat Robertson claims God is punishing them for Jackie Chan movies.
Inside a trash bin, a Cal State Stanislous student found the contract that set the terms of Sarah Palin's speaking assignment. Also found in the dumpster was her credibility.
Steven Seagul action hero and star of the reality show Steven Seagul Lawman, is being sued for sexual harassment. It was all a misunderstanding. He squints like that all the time.
Michelle Obama made a trip to Haiti this tuesday. When she got lost in the crowd it looked like a scene of where is Waldo?
In England officials want to ban the word "obese" to refer to over weight people.They prefer the term "unhealthy weight". There's a fat chance this will make a difference.
A 6.9 earthquake has rattled China killing 67 people. Pat Robertson claims God is punishing them for Jackie Chan movies.
Inside a trash bin, a Cal State Stanislous student found the contract that set the terms of Sarah Palin's speaking assignment. Also found in the dumpster was her credibility.
Steven Seagul action hero and star of the reality show Steven Seagul Lawman, is being sued for sexual harassment. It was all a misunderstanding. He squints like that all the time.
Michelle Obama made a trip to Haiti this tuesday. When she got lost in the crowd it looked like a scene of where is Waldo?
In England officials want to ban the word "obese" to refer to over weight people.They prefer the term "unhealthy weight". There's a fat chance this will make a difference.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Replacing my glasses at a Vietnamese Store yesterday
Is this story an example of subtle racism? I don't know. I'll let the reader decide. This incident made me laugh once I reflected on what had occured. Last week my glasses broke. They were left on the floor while I played basketball with ex- coworkers. The ball went out of bounds and my glasses broke. This was not the first time they broke. They were being held with crazy glue and imagination. I looked like a psycho engineer as one of the lenses had some white crap on it from the hardening of the crazy glue. Bottom line: It was time for a new pair. Next dilemma - where should I go? Answer: The cheapest place possible. I search Craigslist and I find "Nina's Optical". She is in Fountain Valley and I'm in Anaheim. I'm in.
I walk in and I'm greeted by an older Vietnamese lady. I lay down my glasses. She picks up the glasses, takes out the lenses and puts them in another frame and puts the glasses on my face. She took charge. She never asked what I wanted or even why I was there. I felt like the Karate Kid being molded by Mr. Miyagi. Later she shows me frames that are similar. I decided on a frame that was a little more expensive. That's when she told me the following:
"these glasses are very gooood. you know these glasses are are popular in jail! you know why? (then she turns the frame over so that I can see the side view) because there is no metal see! You can't make weapons!
I was sold. I've never been to jail but if I do, I can be assured that the warden will be cool with the glasses. Nina doesn't even know it but she made me laugh so much that I'm plugging her company on my blog:
NINA'S OPTICAL
17431 Brookhurst ST #C
Fountain Valley, CA 92708
714-963-9890
P.S Don't forget to ask for the prison frames
I walk in and I'm greeted by an older Vietnamese lady. I lay down my glasses. She picks up the glasses, takes out the lenses and puts them in another frame and puts the glasses on my face. She took charge. She never asked what I wanted or even why I was there. I felt like the Karate Kid being molded by Mr. Miyagi. Later she shows me frames that are similar. I decided on a frame that was a little more expensive. That's when she told me the following:
"these glasses are very gooood. you know these glasses are are popular in jail! you know why? (then she turns the frame over so that I can see the side view) because there is no metal see! You can't make weapons!
I was sold. I've never been to jail but if I do, I can be assured that the warden will be cool with the glasses. Nina doesn't even know it but she made me laugh so much that I'm plugging her company on my blog:
NINA'S OPTICAL
17431 Brookhurst ST #C
Fountain Valley, CA 92708
714-963-9890
P.S Don't forget to ask for the prison frames
Monday, April 12, 2010
4-12-10
A former middle school math teacher, Stephanie Ragusa, has pleaded guilty to having sex with two students. So if a teacher has sex with two students and each student has two parents, and they call one police department, how many days will she serve if she gets 10 years of prison time?
A study published in the May issue of "Pediatrics" claims that children who were spanked at age 3 turn aggressive by the time they turn 5. In an apparent paradox, getting spanked as adults has an opposite effect.
Conan O'Brien is moving his late night show to TBS and will be the lead in for the George Lopez. Show. The staff of both celebrated this union by serving potatoes and tequila.
Susan Boyle said that she is single but expects that her"prince" will come. She should kiss Kermit the Frog and see what happens.
At Johns Hopkins Medical School, scientists are taking a look at using psilocybin, the psychoactive ingredient found in some mushrooms, for medical purposes. The research was going well until one scientist believed that his yellow submarine was sunk by Yoda and Papa Smurf.
In an effort to make airline food less bland, several airlines will offer more food options for travelers. The Customers' most requested dish is the "Just make sure my bags arrive sandwich"
Europeans are urging the U.S to consider using trash as an energy source. For example, in Denmark they use trash and convert it to electricity. In America we convert trash into reality stars.
KFC is introducing a new sanwich aptly named "the double down". It has two chicken fillets taking the place of bread slices. The combo comes with a double bypass.
A study published in the May issue of "Pediatrics" claims that children who were spanked at age 3 turn aggressive by the time they turn 5. In an apparent paradox, getting spanked as adults has an opposite effect.
Conan O'Brien is moving his late night show to TBS and will be the lead in for the George Lopez. Show. The staff of both celebrated this union by serving potatoes and tequila.
Susan Boyle said that she is single but expects that her"prince" will come. She should kiss Kermit the Frog and see what happens.
At Johns Hopkins Medical School, scientists are taking a look at using psilocybin, the psychoactive ingredient found in some mushrooms, for medical purposes. The research was going well until one scientist believed that his yellow submarine was sunk by Yoda and Papa Smurf.
In an effort to make airline food less bland, several airlines will offer more food options for travelers. The Customers' most requested dish is the "Just make sure my bags arrive sandwich"
Europeans are urging the U.S to consider using trash as an energy source. For example, in Denmark they use trash and convert it to electricity. In America we convert trash into reality stars.
KFC is introducing a new sanwich aptly named "the double down". It has two chicken fillets taking the place of bread slices. The combo comes with a double bypass.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Remembering Malcom Mclaren R.I.P
I was bummed about hearing of the early death of Malcom Mclaren. For those don't know, he was a very influential person in expanding both the Punk Scene and later the hip hop scene while both were in their infancy. He managed the Sex Pistols, The Clash, and the New York Dolls and later opened a Punk, clothing store in England. He was there from the start and history will remember him fondly. Many younger people may not be aware that he sang Buffalo Gals and was one of the first artist to feature breakdancing from New York in a video when very few outside of New York were even aware of "b-boying". Even Emminem used the "round the outside" portion of the chorus in his song. I'm posting the video here so that you can truly appreciate the wonderful video as it captures a magical time in hip hop history, I also have a link where you can read about his life and times.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SgvJY9xxcA
http://www.spinner.com/2010/04/08/malcolm-mclaren-punk-sex-pistols/?icid=mainmaindl9link3http%3A%2F%2Fwww.spinner.com%2F2010%2F04%2F08%2Fmalcolm-mclaren-punk-sex-pistols%2F
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SgvJY9xxcA
http://www.spinner.com/2010/04/08/malcolm-mclaren-punk-sex-pistols/?icid=mainmaindl9link3http%3A%2F%2Fwww.spinner.com%2F2010%2F04%2F08%2Fmalcolm-mclaren-punk-sex-pistols%2F
4-9-10
Russia is threatening to refuse to allow American parents to adopt Russian children after several high profile cases have shown that the children were either abused or had diffiiculty fitting in with the American parents. This decision may have started a new cold war as America retaliated by threatening to drop off American children in Russia.
Justice Stevens is leaving the supreme court after serving for 34 years. This presents a new challenge to President Obama- Where will he find another justice that dresses like Orville Redenbacher?
Liz Taylor is engaged and scheduled to marry Jason Winters for her ninth time. She's been married so many times that the rice thrown after the ceremony will be recycled.
Fresh from her split with Jamie Kennedy, Jennifer Love Hewitt took no time to hook up with Jenny McCarthy's ex-husband John Asher. Jennifer's friends say she is rebounding more than the Dow Jones Industrial Average.
U.S. Rep. Bart Stupak who was threatened and cursed after voting for health care reform is leaving Congress at the end of his term. He says that the Tea Party did not affect his decision to retire. He said it was their guns that did the trick.
Camilla, the wife of Prince Charles has broken her leg while hiking in Scottland. Charles, always the prankster, got behind her and yelled, "Loch Ness monster!"
Justice Stevens is leaving the supreme court after serving for 34 years. This presents a new challenge to President Obama- Where will he find another justice that dresses like Orville Redenbacher?
Liz Taylor is engaged and scheduled to marry Jason Winters for her ninth time. She's been married so many times that the rice thrown after the ceremony will be recycled.
Fresh from her split with Jamie Kennedy, Jennifer Love Hewitt took no time to hook up with Jenny McCarthy's ex-husband John Asher. Jennifer's friends say she is rebounding more than the Dow Jones Industrial Average.
U.S. Rep. Bart Stupak who was threatened and cursed after voting for health care reform is leaving Congress at the end of his term. He says that the Tea Party did not affect his decision to retire. He said it was their guns that did the trick.
Camilla, the wife of Prince Charles has broken her leg while hiking in Scottland. Charles, always the prankster, got behind her and yelled, "Loch Ness monster!"
Friday, April 9, 2010
4-8-10
The producer of the CBS hit show "Survivor" is accused of killing his wife near a hotel where both were staying. Mexican police arrested him and questioned him but he refused to talk until he spoke with his tribal council.
Virginia Governor, Bob McDonnell has declared April "Confederate History Month." He has also introduce a bill that would make May "Jim Crow appreciation month"
In his latest movie, Nicholas Cage plays an action hero that goes to Bel-Air and tries to save his mansion from the evil bank.
Nancy Kerrigan's brother is facing manslaughter charges over the death of their father. Nancy Kerrigan is so upset over this that she called up Tonya Harding and said,"do you still talk to that guy that breaks knees?"
Tiger Woods is in contention in the Master s Tournament as he is only a couple of shots behind the leader. In fact this is the best score he's had after the first round, if you don't count Las Vegas.
The US and Russia have signed and agree to reduce the amount of nuclaer arms. President Omama is calling this "an important milestone for nuclear security and nonproliferation, and for U.S.-Russia relations.” Sarah Palin and the Tea Party are having a pro-life protest to counter their nonPROLIFEeration.
In Bishkek Kyrgyzstan 68 people have died in the protest and overthrow of President Kurmanbek Bakiyez. Many Americans have taken notice and are now getting a crapload of points on Scrabble.
Virginia Governor, Bob McDonnell has declared April "Confederate History Month." He has also introduce a bill that would make May "Jim Crow appreciation month"
In his latest movie, Nicholas Cage plays an action hero that goes to Bel-Air and tries to save his mansion from the evil bank.
Nancy Kerrigan's brother is facing manslaughter charges over the death of their father. Nancy Kerrigan is so upset over this that she called up Tonya Harding and said,"do you still talk to that guy that breaks knees?"
Tiger Woods is in contention in the Master s Tournament as he is only a couple of shots behind the leader. In fact this is the best score he's had after the first round, if you don't count Las Vegas.
The US and Russia have signed and agree to reduce the amount of nuclaer arms. President Omama is calling this "an important milestone for nuclear security and nonproliferation, and for U.S.-Russia relations.” Sarah Palin and the Tea Party are having a pro-life protest to counter their nonPROLIFEeration.
In Bishkek Kyrgyzstan 68 people have died in the protest and overthrow of President Kurmanbek Bakiyez. Many Americans have taken notice and are now getting a crapload of points on Scrabble.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
4-7-10
A new Nike commercial features Tiger Wooods invloved in a deep stare saying nothing as an audio clip of his late father asks him several questions. In this commercial he is finally being truthful. The proof? His lips aren't moving.
There was a tense moment inside a United Airlines jet after a Qatari diplomat man tried to smoke a cigarette in the bathroom. He joked to an undercover marshall that he was lighting his shoes. This caused fighter jets to escort the plane. Later it was discovered the man was only joking. Not learning his lesson his follow up joke was: "do you guys hear that ticking sound in my chest?"
Winona Ryder is attempting to make a comeback by appearing in a Ron Howard comedy. Jennifer Aniston was supposed to have that role but it was quickly stolen by Winona.
Archbishop Gomez will succeed Cardinal Roger M. Mahony and become the first Mexican Cardinal to lead the Archdiocese of Los Angeles. His influence can already be felt. He will exchange the pointed head gear for a sombrero.
There is a program called Puppies Behind Bars that helps War veterans deal with post traumatic stress disorder by having man's best friend act as a companion. Prisoners train the dogs and then hand them over to a Veteran. The program had unintended consequences as many dogs developed stress disorders because the jail reminded them of of the kennel where they came from.
There was a tense moment inside a United Airlines jet after a Qatari diplomat man tried to smoke a cigarette in the bathroom. He joked to an undercover marshall that he was lighting his shoes. This caused fighter jets to escort the plane. Later it was discovered the man was only joking. Not learning his lesson his follow up joke was: "do you guys hear that ticking sound in my chest?"
Winona Ryder is attempting to make a comeback by appearing in a Ron Howard comedy. Jennifer Aniston was supposed to have that role but it was quickly stolen by Winona.
Archbishop Gomez will succeed Cardinal Roger M. Mahony and become the first Mexican Cardinal to lead the Archdiocese of Los Angeles. His influence can already be felt. He will exchange the pointed head gear for a sombrero.
There is a program called Puppies Behind Bars that helps War veterans deal with post traumatic stress disorder by having man's best friend act as a companion. Prisoners train the dogs and then hand them over to a Veteran. The program had unintended consequences as many dogs developed stress disorders because the jail reminded them of of the kennel where they came from.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
4-6-10
Sean Mahoney, one of 168 Republic National Comitee members, has resigned to protest what he considers inappropriate spending. He said the $1900 the RNC spent on the risque' West Hollywood club was the straw that brokeback the camel.
The prime minister of Australia, Kevin Rudd is irrate at the captain of a Chinese vessel after it crashed into the Great Barrier Reef and threatens to leak oil onto the reef. It turns out the Chinese vessel was 7 miles of its course. And I thought they were only bad at driving cars.
Oprah Winfrey will be the first person to interview Rielle Hunter, John Edwards mistress. That segment will be special because after the show all studio audience members will receive the Edward's sex tape.
Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy announced via tweeter that their 5 year relationship is over. It was a mutual split when Jenny asked Jim if he was ok with breaking up, he said,"allrighty then".
Norman Leboon has been arrested for making death threats against Eric Cantor,House of Representative., for voting for the new Health Care Bill. He posted his warning on Youtube. Soon after news of his arrest were made public, he got bombarded with wedding proposals from Tea Party women.
The prime minister of Australia, Kevin Rudd is irrate at the captain of a Chinese vessel after it crashed into the Great Barrier Reef and threatens to leak oil onto the reef. It turns out the Chinese vessel was 7 miles of its course. And I thought they were only bad at driving cars.
Oprah Winfrey will be the first person to interview Rielle Hunter, John Edwards mistress. That segment will be special because after the show all studio audience members will receive the Edward's sex tape.
Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy announced via tweeter that their 5 year relationship is over. It was a mutual split when Jenny asked Jim if he was ok with breaking up, he said,"allrighty then".
Norman Leboon has been arrested for making death threats against Eric Cantor,House of Representative., for voting for the new Health Care Bill. He posted his warning on Youtube. Soon after news of his arrest were made public, he got bombarded with wedding proposals from Tea Party women.
4-6-10 "Look at those dead bastards...nice"
A Reuters reporter was shot and killed by American forces. Initially Reuters tried to get a copy of the tape but was unsuccessful. This video was leaked to Wikileaks. It is rare to see authentic footage with this much detail since most of the material that makes the news is edited and the brutality of war is rarely seen. This video is a reminder that there is a human face to war. It may look like a video game until you see people running for their lives. I hate to be a "downer" on a comedy blog but this footage was too compelling to ignore.
http://www.collateralmurder.com/
http://www.collateralmurder.com/
4-5-10
In the NCAA championship, Duke beat Butler who still had a chance to win had the last shot been maid.
Scottie Pippen of the Chicago Bulls was indicted into the Basket Hall of Fame. He was asked what the secret to his success was. He said it was two words: Michael Jordan.
The US is seeking $16.4 million from Toyota claiming that it knew about the potential problems of the brake accelerator and did not act quickly to warn US officials. This is one case where Toyota executives should have put the pedal to the metal.
Erin Andrews, the ESPN reporter bombshell, said that despite receiving death threats, she will not quit "Dancing with the Stars." As a result, she has asked for extra security. However, all the security in the world will not prevent the show from killing her career.
Rapper T Pain says that he will release a Christian pop album in September. The rapper admits he has a spiritual side. He said,"Dude, I go to church just as much as I go to the strip club". If you think about it, both places are similar. They take your money, there is dancing, and they sell you a fantasy.
Scottie Pippen of the Chicago Bulls was indicted into the Basket Hall of Fame. He was asked what the secret to his success was. He said it was two words: Michael Jordan.
The US is seeking $16.4 million from Toyota claiming that it knew about the potential problems of the brake accelerator and did not act quickly to warn US officials. This is one case where Toyota executives should have put the pedal to the metal.
Erin Andrews, the ESPN reporter bombshell, said that despite receiving death threats, she will not quit "Dancing with the Stars." As a result, she has asked for extra security. However, all the security in the world will not prevent the show from killing her career.
Rapper T Pain says that he will release a Christian pop album in September. The rapper admits he has a spiritual side. He said,"Dude, I go to church just as much as I go to the strip club". If you think about it, both places are similar. They take your money, there is dancing, and they sell you a fantasy.
Monday, April 5, 2010
4-4-10
A 7.2 earthquake rocked Baja California on Easter afternoon. The quake was so powerful that many Easter eggs were found scrambled.
Saudi Arabia has delayed the execution of a "sorcerer" that was sentenced to death in November. His lawyer said that she believes he is still alive although she hasn't spoken to Harry Potter in several days.
The fossilized remains of a 2 million year old species was found in a limestone cave in South Africa. "Henry the Hermit" is how Larry King remembers him.
On Monday, over 100 Chinese coal mine workers were rescued after their mine was flooded with water. Family of the rescued are calling it a miracle. But the rescuers said it was simply a case of mine over matter.
It turns out that the second Moscow suicide bomber that killed dozens of passengers on a subway was a teacher. These are crazy times. I remember when school teachers taught history not become it.
Saudi Arabia has delayed the execution of a "sorcerer" that was sentenced to death in November. His lawyer said that she believes he is still alive although she hasn't spoken to Harry Potter in several days.
The fossilized remains of a 2 million year old species was found in a limestone cave in South Africa. "Henry the Hermit" is how Larry King remembers him.
On Monday, over 100 Chinese coal mine workers were rescued after their mine was flooded with water. Family of the rescued are calling it a miracle. But the rescuers said it was simply a case of mine over matter.
It turns out that the second Moscow suicide bomber that killed dozens of passengers on a subway was a teacher. These are crazy times. I remember when school teachers taught history not become it.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
4-3-10
Whenever I have trouble sleeping, I just close my eyes and count iPad customers.
The Obama administration will have an Easter Egg hunt at the white house. The rules are simple. All kids will have equal access to seek the eggs but if one kid gets alot of eggs, that kid needs to redistribute the extra eggs to those without eggs.
Actor Kal Penn is heading back to Hollywood and leaving the world of politics; having worked in the white house for 9 months as an associate director of public engagement. He said that being surrounded by politicians made him realize how much he needs to sharpen his acting skills.
As a result of the fallout regarding Jesse Jame's infidelity, Sandra Bullock has has decided to kick him out of the house. A photographer spoted a woman with tattoos and a Nazi helmet helping Jesse move a sofa inside a van.
In San Francisco, hundred of drug cases have been dismissed amid reports that Deborah Jean Madden, a lab technician working inside the police department ,was stealing the cocaine and using it for personal use. Police began to get suspicious when she finished her work 3 months in advance.
The Obama administration will have an Easter Egg hunt at the white house. The rules are simple. All kids will have equal access to seek the eggs but if one kid gets alot of eggs, that kid needs to redistribute the extra eggs to those without eggs.
Actor Kal Penn is heading back to Hollywood and leaving the world of politics; having worked in the white house for 9 months as an associate director of public engagement. He said that being surrounded by politicians made him realize how much he needs to sharpen his acting skills.
As a result of the fallout regarding Jesse Jame's infidelity, Sandra Bullock has has decided to kick him out of the house. A photographer spoted a woman with tattoos and a Nazi helmet helping Jesse move a sofa inside a van.
In San Francisco, hundred of drug cases have been dismissed amid reports that Deborah Jean Madden, a lab technician working inside the police department ,was stealing the cocaine and using it for personal use. Police began to get suspicious when she finished her work 3 months in advance.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
4-2-10
Diplomatic relations with China appear to have improved after President Obama called up Chinese president Hu Jintao and spoke with him for over an hour. They both agreed, American Idol sucks without Paula Abdul.
In Florida, Dr. Jack Cassell, a urologist posted a sign on his clinic door that reads:"If you voted for Obama, seek urological care elsewhere." It's a good thing he's a urologist since the passage of the health care bill, he's been pissing in his pants.
Tiger Wood's wife, Elin Nordegren has found a new game in tennis as she was recently seen sitting outside the players lounge at the Sony Ericsson Open tennis tournament. When asked why she likes tennis so much, she replied that when she plays and keeps score, she 's guaranteed to get love.
Dr. Roberts, the inventor of the personal computer has died at the age of 68. The official cause of death is "system error."
They are remaking the series Roots. It will feature the struggles of slaves as they rise up and fight for their civil rights and demand to be paid for their internship.
The FAA has reversed a ban on 4 anti depressants which will allow depressed pilots to take anti-depressants while flying. A better method to deal with the depression is to stop flying for Southwest.
In Florida, Dr. Jack Cassell, a urologist posted a sign on his clinic door that reads:"If you voted for Obama, seek urological care elsewhere." It's a good thing he's a urologist since the passage of the health care bill, he's been pissing in his pants.
Tiger Wood's wife, Elin Nordegren has found a new game in tennis as she was recently seen sitting outside the players lounge at the Sony Ericsson Open tennis tournament. When asked why she likes tennis so much, she replied that when she plays and keeps score, she 's guaranteed to get love.
Dr. Roberts, the inventor of the personal computer has died at the age of 68. The official cause of death is "system error."
They are remaking the series Roots. It will feature the struggles of slaves as they rise up and fight for their civil rights and demand to be paid for their internship.
The FAA has reversed a ban on 4 anti depressants which will allow depressed pilots to take anti-depressants while flying. A better method to deal with the depression is to stop flying for Southwest.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
4-1-10 April Fools ha ha ha ha ha
Today Americans everywhere celebrate April Fool's day. It is a day where unsuspecting victims get tricked into believing a lie. Did you hear Obama's April fool's joke? He said he was actually going to do something about our oil dependence. He got me good.
Following multiple allegations of infidelity, Jesse James is seeking therapy. His therapist is trying to cure him of douche.
Sales of Toyota recalled models increased by 48% in March thanks to incentives offered by Toyota. Now, if you purchase a Toyota, it comes with standard ambulance service.
The US navy captured and detained 3 Somali pirates in Kenya after and exchange of fire. The giant parrot on the pirate's shoulder was not injured in this incident.
The federal government has finally established the rules that will limit gas emissions. This plan will be known as the Sarah Palin because it will limit the amount of hot air that that can be released on the air.
A top Vatican official, Cardinal William J. Levada has come to the defense of Pope Benedict amid allegations that he covered child abuse inside the church. Borrowing from Las Vegas he said,"what happens in the church stays in the church."
The Republican National Committee (RNC) has another sex-related scandal on their hand. It turns out that they sent a fundraising letter to potential donors but included a wrong phone number. When donors called, they got a live caller with a "nasty girl". Those that didn't hang up got to speak with Ann Coulter.
A handful of protesters gathered outside Times Square in New York to demand that clown Ronald McDonald retire in response to an epidemic in childhood obesity. McDonald executives responded that the real culprit of the obesity problem is the McParents.
Following multiple allegations of infidelity, Jesse James is seeking therapy. His therapist is trying to cure him of douche.
Sales of Toyota recalled models increased by 48% in March thanks to incentives offered by Toyota. Now, if you purchase a Toyota, it comes with standard ambulance service.
The US navy captured and detained 3 Somali pirates in Kenya after and exchange of fire. The giant parrot on the pirate's shoulder was not injured in this incident.
The federal government has finally established the rules that will limit gas emissions. This plan will be known as the Sarah Palin because it will limit the amount of hot air that that can be released on the air.
A top Vatican official, Cardinal William J. Levada has come to the defense of Pope Benedict amid allegations that he covered child abuse inside the church. Borrowing from Las Vegas he said,"what happens in the church stays in the church."
The Republican National Committee (RNC) has another sex-related scandal on their hand. It turns out that they sent a fundraising letter to potential donors but included a wrong phone number. When donors called, they got a live caller with a "nasty girl". Those that didn't hang up got to speak with Ann Coulter.
A handful of protesters gathered outside Times Square in New York to demand that clown Ronald McDonald retire in response to an epidemic in childhood obesity. McDonald executives responded that the real culprit of the obesity problem is the McParents.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
