Thursday, January 13, 2011

Too Old for that



If you are a long-time reader, you know that I am obsessed with watching myself decompose AKA getting older. I notice all signs that my body is approaching rigormortis so I take great precautions to make sure that the grim reaper has a bitch of a time getting me. Oh he will find me, like he finds everyone, but I'm going to make it difficult for him. To Quote Oil of Olay: "I don't intend to grow old gracefully. I intend to fight the aging process every step of the way."

Recently, I exercised light because my brittle bones make it impossible to go full blast and it had been a while since I did any exercise. The next day my left ankle was hurting. Is this the start of atrophy or rigormortis? The jury is still out. All this talk about age was triggered by a recent incident. As many of you know, I work with providing shelter to homeless families. I also follow up to visit the families in the motels.

On one occasion I was talking to a homeless father who was approximately 50 years old. He had a receding hairline and grey hair. As I was trying to learn about the set of circumstances that led to his current situation, it soon became clear that dude had a tounge ring! A freaking tounge ring at 50? Come on!

This got me thinking that there are certain things that you, as a non-young (I don't want to say old) person can no longer do. Here are some that I can think of:

1- Baseball Caps: The older you get, the less cool it is to wear baseball caps UNLESS they serve a practical use like blocking the sun, or blocking rain. Once you turn 30 it is never permissible to wear your hat sideways. There are two exceptions; Flavor Flav or being a famous rapper.

2-Dance Crazes: I better not see a a non-young person even attempt to do the Jerk or the Shuffle. Nature and hospitals have way of reminding you that the dances are for the young. Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids. If you are non-young and you break dance. You will simply dance and your bones will break. Non youngers are limited to doing the running man and the two step. As you get older, you will have to settle for wiggling two fingers in front of your face. It's the law of physics at work.

3-Skateboards: The cut off for using skateboards should really be 25 and I'm being generous here. You want to ride and be exposed to the open air? Buy a convertible car.

4-Skinny Jeans and Vans: Only young people can wear this. If you are non-young and wearing skinny jeans, you better have a needle filled with heroin stuck in your arm or be a surviving member of The Ramones.

5- Colorful hair: I can't tell you how ridiculous it is to see guys with bright red hair trying to hold on to their youth. If you get senior discounts at Denny's, it's time to give up the hip act.

I know there many guys and girls that are on the cusp between the world of youth and antiquity that may not know where they stand. Do not depair I have a test that will let you know where you stand.

It's called the Sir/Ma'am test. For ladies, the more you get called ma'am instead of chick, you may be on your way to soft food and prunes. Men, the minute you stop being called dude and start being called sir, it may be time to buy a new pair of penny loafers and start listening to Prince on your Walkman.

I want to hear from my fellow bloggers. What else should I have included on my list above? Let me know soon while you still have your senses.

22 comments:

  1. Good post. Muscle shirts, especially when there's no muscles left. Long, styled hair like Justin Beiber, speedos and pony tales (unless you're Willy Nelson

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  2. Ugh, I'm with you on a lot of these points. Another one for the list, but doesn't apply to you, is no mini-skirts after the age of 35 and teen-trendy clothing for anyone over 21. It always grosses me out to see women my granny's age walking around in clothes from the junior department.

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  3. #4 is bloody gold! Killer instinct observation & way toooo funny... just linked you up to H45. Thanks again, that one made my day!

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  4. Bothered - Good one! Of course I should have mentioned the non muscled wearing muscle shirt. Kudos for speedos and long hair for guys.

    Tsarista- Miniskirts? I'm torut because I like them but I think 35 is a good limit.

    Hive - What does that mean; that I'm linked up to H45? That sounds hi-tech and infectious.

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  5. Though I admit that I cringe whenever I'm called ma'am, I'll never give up my Vans!

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  6. I'm 48 and I hip hop dance for up to 2 hours a day, so maybe I'm not a good person to ask. I love the standup act by Nick Swardson where he talked about his generation and what they'll be like as old folks listening to hip hop music and cussing at the kids. I think of how my mom was at my age and she was ancient. I think we age differently now and sometimes it looks pathetic when a middle-aged man wears that Joe McHale standup hair style or a middle-aged woman has a lower back tramp stamp, but I like that we just keep it all open and free. We should. Our culture freed up, so should we as we age. I don't want to become one of those old ladies in elastic pants and bright colors and short permed hair. Still, I'm also not going to do a tongue ring.

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  7. No clubbing! I get sick of my FB friends talking about they can't find a man and they're late 30's and clubbing. Take care of your kids and stay out of the juke joint regularly. LOL!

    Stop taking duck faced photos in bathroom stalls while "chucking the deuces."

    Get a grown person's car! If you have 25" rims, and you're 40 years old, then you haven't grown up yet.

    Okay, I'm done.

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  8. I hear ya on all except the caps. Plenty of older men pull off that look well.

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  9. I agree with Copyboy. My dad rocks the caps foshizzle and he's 61. He's bald, too. I loved your list, though! Why don't we add...going to tanning beds? Old women need to stay out of the freakin' tanning beds!

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  10. LOL for Thank Q because it's so true about the club people complaining about not finding a man. Also agree with grown men and rims.

    Copyboy - I should have clarified the type of hats. I'm thinking of the hip hop caps that people tilt to the side.

    Kelley- Good one! I didn't think of the tanning bed but you make a good point.

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  11. I think it all depends on the person what you can rock at what age, but generally all your points are spot on. Part of me would love to dye my hair pink like I did at 18 but no effing way would I do it now and look like a retarded person. :) I think men should NEVER wear skinny jeans, they look ludicrous and ladies can wear them till they're older I feel so long as they have the shape for it.

    Me, I am obsessed with grey hairs. I found one a few months ago and was all in denial. "Well,that MUST be paint!" Yeah. I plucked it out and now I'm obsessed with making sure I don't find any more for a while. So far so good...

    Those little fine lines that show up too? Not happening. I like to think it's a trick of the light. :)

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  12. I'm at that crazy stage of now that I've turned 40, I don't want to look frumpy and old, because I don't feel that way AT ALL but I certainly don't want to look like I'm trying to be 25 either, so I'm always looking at stuff and frowning and going "Can I wear this or will I look insane?" It's that weird middle ground where you're not young and you're not old you're just a grown up, middle aged person who used to have weird hair and like punk rock and is now trying to find that middle ground of looking funky without looking batshit insane. It helps that I look younger than my age, but still, you don't want to look like you're some sad old cougar trying to be 30 again. :P

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  13. Veg- Point very well taken. I didn't mention the exceptions i.e people that can rock a ceertain look. I agree if you can rock it, more power to you.

    Revenge - I'm right there with you regarding attire. On the 1x a year that I go shopping for clothes, I have to ask the same question: Do I look creepy in this or can I pull it off

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  14. Body piercings and men who wear an earring or earrings. That's creepy.

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  15. Yvonne- I thought about earings but didn't put it here. Agree 100%

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  16. Old chick rocking bikini's and old men in Speedo's

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  17. 40-year-old men wearing huge hip-hop-y basketball jerseys, with multiple ear piercings and Grillz on their teeth. Creepy. Haha.

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  18. Birdshit- Speedos are always wrong.
    Gnetch- I know it's gross but you see it all the time. What's up with that?

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  19. Mini skirts! (Men and ladies - this is a no-no)

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  20. Minskirt for women definately wrong but for men, that's o.k especially if you have a video camera handy.

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