Thursday, January 13, 2011
Too Old for that
If you are a long-time reader, you know that I am obsessed with watching myself decompose AKA getting older. I notice all signs that my body is approaching rigormortis so I take great precautions to make sure that the grim reaper has a bitch of a time getting me. Oh he will find me, like he finds everyone, but I'm going to make it difficult for him. To Quote Oil of Olay: "I don't intend to grow old gracefully. I intend to fight the aging process every step of the way."
Recently, I exercised light because my brittle bones make it impossible to go full blast and it had been a while since I did any exercise. The next day my left ankle was hurting. Is this the start of atrophy or rigormortis? The jury is still out. All this talk about age was triggered by a recent incident. As many of you know, I work with providing shelter to homeless families. I also follow up to visit the families in the motels.
On one occasion I was talking to a homeless father who was approximately 50 years old. He had a receding hairline and grey hair. As I was trying to learn about the set of circumstances that led to his current situation, it soon became clear that dude had a tounge ring! A freaking tounge ring at 50? Come on!
This got me thinking that there are certain things that you, as a non-young (I don't want to say old) person can no longer do. Here are some that I can think of:
1- Baseball Caps: The older you get, the less cool it is to wear baseball caps UNLESS they serve a practical use like blocking the sun, or blocking rain. Once you turn 30 it is never permissible to wear your hat sideways. There are two exceptions; Flavor Flav or being a famous rapper.
2-Dance Crazes: I better not see a a non-young person even attempt to do the Jerk or the Shuffle. Nature and hospitals have way of reminding you that the dances are for the young. Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids. If you are non-young and you break dance. You will simply dance and your bones will break. Non youngers are limited to doing the running man and the two step. As you get older, you will have to settle for wiggling two fingers in front of your face. It's the law of physics at work.
3-Skateboards: The cut off for using skateboards should really be 25 and I'm being generous here. You want to ride and be exposed to the open air? Buy a convertible car.
4-Skinny Jeans and Vans: Only young people can wear this. If you are non-young and wearing skinny jeans, you better have a needle filled with heroin stuck in your arm or be a surviving member of The Ramones.
5- Colorful hair: I can't tell you how ridiculous it is to see guys with bright red hair trying to hold on to their youth. If you get senior discounts at Denny's, it's time to give up the hip act.
I know there many guys and girls that are on the cusp between the world of youth and antiquity that may not know where they stand. Do not depair I have a test that will let you know where you stand.
It's called the Sir/Ma'am test. For ladies, the more you get called ma'am instead of chick, you may be on your way to soft food and prunes. Men, the minute you stop being called dude and start being called sir, it may be time to buy a new pair of penny loafers and start listening to Prince on your Walkman.
I want to hear from my fellow bloggers. What else should I have included on my list above? Let me know soon while you still have your senses.