Friday, January 7, 2011

Flashback Friday - How "Jessica" almost caused my death part 2

As promised, I will continue the saga of how my friend Jessica almost had me killed. If you read my last "Flashback Friday" post you will recall that I was almost killed by a Mexican gangster named Snoopy.

On another occasion, my friend Jessica began dating a buff Mexican rapper named "Latin Lover" (I'm not kidding -that was his rap name). "Latin" was HUGE!. His arms looked like my thighs. He was a shitty rapper but no one dare tell him that he couldn't flow.

Latin was legendary for being a mean ass Mexican. There was rumor on the street that when L.A County Jail had their famous, race riots between Blacks and Mexicans, Latin was the guy that started that riot!

On another occasion, some guys decided to try to rip off his d.j equipment and stabbed him several times. Not only did they not steal his equipment, one guy ended up getting his ass kicked. The dude was bad.

Latin Lover was a bit older than us as we were in high school. He began dating Jessica. Before dating her, he was dating another girl that was a pretty close friend of mine. This girl had told me that Latin was pretty abusive with her and had roughed her up on several occasions.

So when Latin began dating Jessica I tried to warn her of his propensity for violence. "Hey Jessica I heard that Latin could be rough. His last girlfriend told me that he was kinda rough with her. Be careful. I'm telling you this because you are a friend."

Next thing you know, word on the street was, "Latin is after you". I imagine the conversation that led to that decision went something like this:

Jessica: I heard you are a wife beater.
Latin: Who the fuck said that?
Jessica: I just heard.
Latin: Who told you!!!! (Neck gets squeezed hard)
Jessica: Israel!

To say I was scared is an understatement. I was petrified. During this time there were several events where my rapper buddies and I would attend, such as backyard parties. On one occasion, there was going to be a a rap contest at "Music Revolution" in Whittier,CA.

I knew the the guy that was the judge and he had told me to show up as he would award me the winner and I would get the cash. (So much for objectivity and fairness). Eventhough the fix was in, something told me NOT to attend because Latin would be there. I went with my instincts and stayed home.

My friend Sal, who did attend the rap contest, calle me up sounding frantic. "Israel Latin wants to kick your ass. He thought I was you and grabbed me by the neck and was going to sock me!"

I couldn't ignore this. I had to take action. I called him directly. More accurately, I called and kissed his ass clean. Inside, outside, all around. I left it spotless!

Ring Ring
(my heart is beating out of my chest and I'm breathing heavy)
"Can I speak with Latin?
"This is him"
"It's Israel. I heard you're after me"

(I then proceeded to tell him how I would NEVER talk about him. I reminded the time that we were partying with some girls and how I was cool with him and how much I enjoyed his company and how he was wiser than Jesus and that he smelled good and, you name it I said it. My life was at stake.)

He paused and calmly said: "You know that bitch was probably lying. I don't talk to her anymore. You're alright. We're cool because you took care of business. (Meaning I approached him regarding our differences). I was going to live.

What lessons did I learn?
1- Mexican girls like dating thugs.
2- Kissing ass can prevent kicking ass.
3- People that take part in prison riots tend to have bad tempers.
4- People can be Lovers and Fighters.
5- Its best to confront and go to the source of your problems.
6- All Jessica's are trouble including Simpson.


  1. Mexican girls like dating thugs, I wonder why that is

    PS u have captch on for comments!

  2. I like lesson #5 best, Israel.

    It was the same for me back in the day at the Dell. Whenever I hooked up with a girl she invariably had a b.f. lurking behind the scenes waiting to punch me out. It was always a guy who resembled The Incredible Hulk rather than Pee Wee Herman. Why is that? Why? Why? Why?

  3. Come to think of it, the only Jessicas I have known dated troubled men. Hmm... Good handle on it, Israel. You seem to have a good sense of self preservation and that's what you need in life to meet another day and write another joke. Thanks for the story. You really made it come to life! You need to make a book of all these life lessons.

  4. Awesome tale but I have to say I was freakin' scared for you for a few minutes there.

    PS I'm a tough girl from LI so if you ever need some help, I've got your back in Jersey!

  5. PS my captcha thing was nedlgang weird, GANG??

  6. Oh man, did I laugh at this story, even though you went through hell. Kissing ass is always a good idea.

  7. I hope there wasn't another time that that Jessica almost got you killed!

  8. Maybe you need to meet girls named Mary or Sarah or something like that? lol You really should write a short story about all the times Jessica almost got your ass kicked! :)

  9. Just to let you guys know, there were no more incidents regarding Jessica after this one.

  10. You don't think Latin reads this blog, do you? Latin can read, right? Maybe Latin just reads in Latin? Good thing your blog is in English.

  11. Brilliant post. What a story, you built the tension up nicely. Love the life lessons.

  12. ha! kelley is right! i hope "latin" doesn't read blogs! you're going to have to do the whole witness protection thing!:)

  13. The more I read about you the more I'm amazed you lived this long, so well done dude! :) And Jeeeeezus you are right about Jessica Simpson.

    Wouldn't it be funny if Latin was working in a bank now or something? Miraculous, yes, but funny. You can tell him I said so. (please don't)