Sorry for skipping 3-30-10

Been Feeling kinda crappy these last few days and so I will take off for a few days to Utah. I'm leaving in several hours. No I'm not a mormon. NO I am not into polygomy and NO I'm not into the Utah Jazz. I will try to continue the daily monologues from there. It will be good to breathe real air. Having been raised in Los Angeles, God knows my lungs are F-----d. Keep visting the site. I will update it shortly. Also, check out the archives on my blog.

03-29-10

There is growing concern that Lindsey Lohan's wild ways may catch up with her. She was recently videotaped falling on on a cactus bed outside a club in Los Angeles. Lindsey initially blamed her high heels, then she blamed an aggressive paparazzi, now she's ticked off at gravity.

Inspired by the recent events surrounding Jesse Jame's conquests, Rick Springfield is remaking his 80's hit. It will be called Jesse's Girls. The song is 15 minutes long. The new chorus: "why can't I find a harem like that."

Though New York was named one of the 6 finalists for the "Federal Race to the Top" funds for education, that award has gone to two states: Delaware and Tennessee. However, NY is still in running to win the "Crashing to the Bottom" fund.

The Daily Caller website is reporting that the Republic National Comittee reimbursed Eric Brown $2000 for an outing at a risque' Club in West Hollywood that features bondage scenes played out on stage. The chairman of the RNC, Michael Steele held a news conference to explain the spending but it was hard to listen to him speak through a tight, leather mask.

Members of a Christian militia were indicted on and charged with plotting to murder law enforcement officers by ambush. They will be a part of a new reality show called, "Jerry Springer's favorite guests -Where are they now?"

Ricky Martin has announced through his website that he is gay. Bernie Madoff has announced that he is greedy and Naomi Cambell has announced that she is angry.

03-28-10

Scientists at the Scripps Research Institute in Florida have found that fatty foods and junk food is addicting as cocaine or heroin. This might explain a recent photograph that showed Kirstie Alley sniffing a line of Big Macs.

Scientists have recently critiized the FDA about ignoring claims that CT scans expose patients to high levels of radiation during colon cancer screening. As evidence, many doctors have been torched in the face when patients farted.

Volvo has been sold to The Zhejiang Geely Holding Group, a Chinese company for $1.8 billion dollars. Their new slogan is: Volvo For Rife.

R&B superstar Erykah Badu stunned music fans everywhere with the release of her video "Window Seat". In the video, she walks through downtown Dallas removing her clothing one item at a time until she gets naked and then she gets assasinated. The Warren Commission is investigating this incident but believes a lone shooter is responsible.

Sacha Baron Cohen married his girlfriend Isla Fischer in a private wedding in Paris. A Source close to Sacha Cohen described the wedding as being "very nice".

At least 37 people were killed when two women suicide bombers detonated explosives on two packed,metro trains in Moscow. Upon hearing of this attack, NOW ( the National Organization of Women) retracted their stance on equal gender treatment under Al Queda.

03-27-10

The Vatican is under fire after memos showed Pope Benedict was aware that Father Lawrence C. Murphy was abusing deaf boys at a school for the deaf. The deaf victims tried reporting abuse but nothing happened. In Pope Benedict's defense, he thought they were playing charades.

Amy Winehouse told Pulse Magazine that she is ready to have a baby. She is as ready to have baby as Jesse James is ready for marriage.

On friday, President Obama reported that the U.S and Russia have agreed to a new nuclear arms treaty. Rusian President Dmitry Medvedev said Russia would have signed years ago had the last president pronounced "nuclear" correctly.

Conservative Christians in Texas are furious over "Corpus Christi" ; a play that portrays Jesus as gay. I understand their anger, he's not gay. So what that he never married and was always surrounded by 12 men. So what if he promoted turning the other cheek and loving thy neighbor as thyself.

The Census Bureau is urging everyone to fill out the forms in its entirety.They are reminding people not to skip the question at the bottom of the page that reads: Are you or anyone in your family currently sleeping with Tiger Woods or Jesse James?

03-26-10

Appearing jointly for the first time since their presidential election, senator John McCain and Sarah Palin appeared at a rally in Tucson Arizona. It's the first stop in their "close but no cigar" tour.

The philanthropist Ann Ziff and her family gave $30 million to the Metropolitan Opera. The general manager, Peter Gelp sang with excitement upon receiving the gift, shattering his glass windows.

Due to anticipated tax revenue and increased support for the legalization of marijuana, In Novermber California voters will vote and likely pass a bill that will make marijuana legal in that state. In anticipation for this passage, the shares of Cheetos are up 20%.

Washington Wizard's Gilbert Arenas will not serve jail time for bringing a loaded gun to his locker. His attorney argued that he has already being punished enough. The judge agreed . In his ruling he said, "For God's sake he plays for the Washington Wizards."

03-25-10

Congress has finally passed the amended health care law and President Obama is scheduled to sign it into law in the next few days. At that time, Oprah will get paid her commission.

Bin Laden has threatened to kill American captives if the self-avowed 911 mastermind Khalid Sheik Mohammed is executed. He's making the threat out of jealousy. If he can't have 72 virgins no one can.

New Moore Island located in the muddy Bay of Bengal has been swallowed up by the sea. Thanks to some genius planning by "The Professor", Gilligan and him were able to survive.

Warning there is a scam on Facebook claiming to give a free $1000 gift card to Ikea. Ikea has made a public statement saying that the gift card is fake- just like their furniture.

According to the National Drug Threat Assessment 2010 report, the availability of illegal drugs is increasing. This report was funded by it's parent organization: N.S Sherlock.

3-24-10

After witnessing the legislative techniques used by the Republicans to try to defeat the health care billl, the National Football League owners are interested in recruiting Senate Republicans; saying they haven't seen such efficient blocking since Warren Sapp retired.

Octomom has decided to accept payment from PETA in exchange for Using using her yard to post a sign that reads: "Don't let your dog or cat become an octomom always spay or neuter." Well, at least the animals get ethical treatment.

Richard Finch, the former bass player of the group KC and the Sunshine Band has admitted to police that he had sex with teenage boys. When pressed further to explain his deviant behavior he just said, that's the way I like it.

Intouch Magazine is reporting that Sandra Bullock's husband, Jesse James has cheated with womae by seeking girls on the internet using the screen name " Vanilla Gorilla". Since being kicked out of the house, he has sinced changed his screen name to "White Flight".

In November, California voters will vote and likely make marijuana legal. This will mark the first time that a plant will become legal before immigrants.

03-23-10

Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush have broken up. On the night they broke up Kim had asked Reggie to come over and watch movies. She accidently inserted the movie "Big" the one featuring Ray J.

In Arizona they are considering a bill that would allow police to arrest illegal aliens on trespassing charges. This is good news for the Prison Union as they will now get prisoners that will serve time at half the cost of Americans.

In California 6500 prisoners were released to save 100 million dollars. It's all part of the state's No Convict Left Behind Act.

According to the most recent reports, caesarean birth rates in the U.S are at their highest at 32%, which is exactly the same percentage of people that describe themselves as extremely claustrophobic.

Vice President, Joe Biden's microphone captured him telling President Obama that passing health care reform was a "big f----deal." To which Obama immediately snapped back,"dude don't f---- this up."

03-22-10

Democrats and Republicans are still trying to work out some of their differences over the Health Care Bill. Under the Democrat's plan, Insurance companies can not deny you coverage for having "pre existing conditions". Under the Republican plan, you die.

Now that the House has passed the Senate's health care reform bill, all that is needed is for Senate Republicans to approve the measure and the bill would become law. The next step would be for Rush Limbaugh to use Expedia.com for one way flights to Costa Rica.

A man in Chicago has been arrested for selling his wife for sex on Craigslist. The ad read: Take my wife Please!

Google has made it official that they will close their website in China;essentially blocking China out. This has angered Chinese officials so much that they are renaming their historic monument the Great Wall of Google.

In Baltimore Maryland, a lady gave birth to baby in the back of her husband's taxi. She was lucky she wasn't in NY. She only had to pay the standard rate.

If your name is Bill, stay away from Tea Party rallies. They want to kill you.

Tiger Woods is wearing a bracelet on his left wrist. When asked why he is wearing it, he said it was for strenght and protection. It sounds like he has a new sponsor: Trojan.

Officials in Hong Kong have issued a warning to avoid outdoor activity after reaching pollution levels not seen since since 1995. A spokeswoman for the Environmental Protection Department was scheduled speak to the press but had an Asthma attack.

Representative Randy Neugenauer admitted on monday that he was the person that interrupted and yelled "baby killer" while Rep. Bart Stupak was on the floor speaking. Mr. Neugenauer apologized for the outburst but said he was representing the people in his district. Apparently the people in his district have tourettes syndrome.

Jane Fonda will host the first-ever World Fitness day on May 1st at Atlanta's Georgia Dome. It's been described as a nationwide call to fitness. At 72 she will display her athleticism by running and dodging vietnam veterans.

03-20-2010

# 1 seeded Kansas was eliminated from the NCAA tournament by Northern Iowa as Ali Farokhmanesh hit a 3 pointer in the final seconds of the game. I don't know what's more difficult - making that shot or pronouncing his last name.

The tea party is boiling mad that Health Care Reform bill is on the verge of being passed. If it does pass, they will change their name to the Hot Tea Party.

Grigori Perelman, a Russian mathematician has won $1 million dollars from the Clay Mathematics Institute for solving a mathematical problem which had remained unsolved since 1904. In his acceptance speech, he said he was happy to have won 1000 Square dollars.

03-19-10

Anderson Cooper was on Celebrity Jeopardy and he lost to Cheech Marin from the duo Cheech and Chong. Of course he lost. Anytime you put anything in front of Cheech, it's going to get smoked.

A study has concluded that cigarette maker RJ Reynolds targeted teenage girls in their ads which appeared in magazines such as Vogue,Cosmopolitan, and Glamour. RJ Reynolds deny this claim but then why is the camel wearing tight shorts with the word "Juicy"?

The View's Elisabeth Hasselbeck stumbled and fell while ice skating to promote her new show "Thin Ice". She said it was no big deal. She's used to falling flat on her face defending Sarah Palin.

Batman: Arkham Asylum has won the video game of the year award. This will give video nerds another good reason why they don't have girlfriends.

Medicare has come under fire for increasing the price on commonly used drugs at a much higher rate than the rate of inflation. For example prices on the Alzheimer drug Aricept has increased 41% since 2006. If it weren't for the Alzheimers, many of the patients would be upset.

At Mars and Kline ,Haiti's only psychiatric hospital for acute mental illness, the patients are in great need of professional help and they are getting worse. Psychiatrists knew they had a crisis in their hands when the majority of the patients began to agree with Glenn Beck.

03-18-2010

A New Jersey Wallmart is in hot water after someone got on the loud speaker and announced: "All blacks need to leave the store." This is just wrong. I can't believe that in 2010, they aren't calling them African Americans.

Graco, the maker of the baby high chair is recalling its chair because the screws holding the front leg tends to loosen and fall out. They are only partially to blame. Graco could not have anticipated 80 pound babies.

Jesse James, Sandra Bullock's husband has issued a public apology asking for forgiveness after having an alleged affair with tattoo model Michelle "bombshell" McGee. Have you seen her? She has tattoos from head to toe. You could tell by looking at her, she's trouble. It's written all over her face.

Tiger Wood's Alleged mistress, and former porn star, Veronica Siwik-Daniels has decided to publish Tiger Wood's text messages including: Hey It's me Tiger. I can't wait to swing my 9 wood later. I may play golf too LMAO ;)

North Korea is said to have arrested and executed, by firing range, Pak Nam-gi the party's finance planning and department chief, after he revaluated its currency causing greater inflation on the country. In North Korea when they say: "You're fired!" they really mean it.

03-17-2010

A tattoo model is claiming to have had an ongoing affair with Sandra Bullock's husband while Sandra Bullock was filming “The Blind Side". She couldn't have seen it coming.

Several recent high-profile arrests in America involving radical home grown terrorists make me long for the good old days when the biggest home grown threat was marijuana.

Due to a lagging economy, The I.R.S said it is willing to assist those with financial hardships; especially the unemployed. Come Tax time, they will only take an arm and will give you six months to send in your leg.

After fierce resistance to The Democrat's Health Care Reform Bill, Representative Dennis J. Kucinich said he now agrees to vote for it after meeting with President Obama in a closed meeting. A surprised Obama said, "Man this water-boarding thing really works."

On Tuesday, a 4.4 earthquake rattled Los Angeles. Seismologists believe the earthquake was caused by Kirstie Alley when she attempted to do jumping jacks.

03-16-2010

The FDA has approved Xiaflex- a drug that helps to strengthen clinched fingers. It will be on the market next month. But apparently there is a great need for this drug now as Toyota Executives and Democrats have pre-ordered in bulk.

03-15-10

Standing just 2feet 5 inches tall, He Pingping, the world's shortest man has died. He was transported on a hearse custom-made by Mattel.

British Actress Kate Winslet and her husband Sam Mendes 7 year marriage has ended. Kate Winslet said she didn't see it coming. Everything was fine and before you knew it, the marriage slowly sank to the bottom.

Disgraced Former NY Rep. Eric Massa has left the world of politics amid allegations he was groping men. However, he may have a new career in business. Reports have surfaced that Tyco Toys is marketing a doll after him to compete with Elmo. It will be called Tickle-Me- Massa.

Foursquare is a new phone application that allows those in your network to know your every location by checking in to its system through GPS. A similar system has been around forever. Its called marriage.

A Georgian television channel caused panic on its citizens when a simulated invasion by Russia was broadcasted. Caught up in the panic was Sarah Palin who could have sworn she saw the invasion from her home.

03-14-10

The Northeast was hit by a powerful storm that turned deadly when a tree landed on a New Jersey woman. She was in the forest when it fell on her and yes it did make a sound.

A 6.6 earthquake has rocked central Japan. Pat Robertson claims that earthquake is God's way of punishing the Japanese for their worship of Godzilla.

03-13-10

In Alaska, a woman is believed to have been killed by wolves as she went for a morning jog. She made the mistake of befriending AIG executives.

03-12-10

An attractive 33 year old female teacher in California has admitted to having sex with a 14 year old student. The student appears to have injuries from all the "high fives" he received.

Singing Icon, Diana Ross has announced her "coming out" tour. Scheduled to join her on stage will be Eric Massa.

In Germany, Pope Benedict XVI has expressed regret over allowing one pope to resume his pastoral duties, even after molestation accusations had surfaced. The pope said this is the 2nd worst mistake he has made to harm Germany. The first was convincing his college roommate Adolph to try politics.

A Chinese, internet regulator had some harsh words to Google after Google threatened to pull out of china. China shouldn't be concerned. It's impossible to pull out of china. That's why they have 1.3 billion people.

There is a surge of controversy in South Africa over the $137 million cost to build the stadium that will be used for the World Cup this summer. Opponents say that it's unfair to spend so much money when nearby towns are living in extreme poverty. So, on the one hand you have a powerful, minority elite that controls all the resources. On the other hand you have a class of people with nothing. Hey, I think that's called apartheid.

03-11-2010

Democratic leaders are optimistic that they are extremely close to passing Health Care Legislation. The only thing missing is a plan and votes

In an interview, Movie Director Christopher Nolan talked about bringing back Superman to the big screen. In this modern adaptation, Superman protects Americans against the forces of evil trying to foreclose on their home.

Auditions in Brooklyn NY were held to find Russian girls and guys to do an off shoot of the Jersey Shore. They already have their male, muscled- bound heart throb: The Manifesto.

A school board panel of conservative educators in Austin, Texas conducted a hearing to change the direction of its curriculum. Specifically, they want Conservatives and their ideals to appear in their text books. The title of their first science book is: "Planet Earth- its 6000 year history."

On the "Marriage Ref" Madonna was a guest where she gave marriage advice. That's like Octomom teaching Sex Ed. (Featured on NY Times front Page)

Sources close to Tiger Woods say that Tiger misses the rush of competition and is ready to hit the field and try to break his old record of 12 women.

03-10-10

Toyota is introducing a fuel efficient car that runs on Duracell batteries. It keeps going and going...

A dozen same-sex couples got married in the District of Columbia on the first day that same sex ceremonies were legally allowed. At the end of the marriage vows, the priest turned to the couples and said," I now pronounce you fabulous.”

In a Wisconsin zoo, a lady had several fingers bitten off by a bear after she attempted to feed it through the enclosure. Zoo officials believe the bear was getting revenge on behalf of gummy bears.

In Antarctica an extremely rare penguin was photographed. How the paparazzi found Dany Devito there is still unknown.

The title of “Richest man in the world” belongs to Mexican, Telecom tycoon Carlos Slim. The odds that this will have any significant effect on Mexico is between slim and none.

03-09-10

Sarah Palin admitted to a paid audience in Calgary that as a child she and her family would go to Canada to receive health care. Her doctor would tell her to open her mouth, stick her tongue out and say, “aaaah what a hypocrite."

And the number one reason not to blackmail David Letterman? "Six months in jail dude" (featured on NY Times Humor Blog front Page)

Lindsey Lohan is suing E-trade for $100 million dollars for running an ad that depicts a boyfriend-stealing "milkaholic" baby named Lindsey. When interviewed for comments, the babies just said, "Grow up.” (featured on NY Times Humor Blog front Page)

A study published in the Archives of Internal Medicine found that women who drank wine on a regular basis actually lost weight compared to non drinking women. In a related study it was found that drunk sex burns more calories than jogging.

03-08-10

Said one homeless war veteran to another: "Maybe we should become actors they get awards and stuff." (Commenting on the recent award given to Hurt Locker.)

Did you hear that emotional Academy Award speech by Mo'Nique after winning for best supporting actress? She said she was grateful for the tons of support she received while shooting the film Precious. She was referring to her belt.

A dog collar that used to belong to Charles Dickens was sold at an auction at Bonhams New York for $11,590. The winner appeared ambivalent about winning saying, “it was best of dog collars it was the worst of dog collars."

In China in the central province of Hubei, a 70 year old grandmother was buried alive by property developers after she refused to allow thedemoliti
on of her home. She should have come to America where she would've only been buried by debt.

Jennifer Aniston has created a perfume will be in stores soon. This perfume really captures her essence it will be called Old and Bitter.

Country singing sensation Brad Paisley was injured when he slipped on stage. He got a reassuring call from President Obama telling him he could relate having recently fallen from grace.

03-07-10

National Geographic Wild is coming to cable and will feature many nature shows including,"Hunt for the Giant Octopus" which will feature scientists searching and tracking the every move of Nadya Suleman.

The 82nd Academy Awards brought back the Horror segment which rightfully went to the U.S economy. This is the first time they have received the award since 1929.

03-06-2010

Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejab is calling the 911 event a big fabrication. He said The U.S and ex President Bush was behind the attack calling it "complicated and intelligent". To me that's further proof Bush wasn't responsible.

Police in Seoul, South Korea discovered 1700 pairs of shoes that were allegedly stolen by a 59 year old ex convict. According to intelligence reports, the shoes were to be sold as weapons to one Iraqi man who was quoted as saying, "Next time I won't miss."

Steve Cohen, also known as the "millionaire magician" rubs elbows with the upper crust and entertains them with magical tales and by making things disappear. He said he was inspired by Bernie Madoff.

In California, Robert Ferguson was sentenced to 7 years for stealing a bag of shredded cheese under California's three strikes law. Fifteen years earlier, Jerry Dewayne Williams was sentenced to 25 years to life for stealing a pizza. These recent events inspired Spencer Johnson MD to write another book: Move my cheese without paying go to Jail.

03-05-2010

Appearing on Good Morning America, Rudy Giuliani made a serious faux pas by stating that we had no domestic terrorist attacks under President Bush. This prompted Ambien CR to update their side effects to include: selected amnesia for political gain.

In Tanzania, scientists have discovered the fossil remains of Asilisaurus kongwe- a dinosaur which roamed the earth 240 million years ago. Or as John McCain calls it: my first pet.

About 100 people, dressed in black will attend a mock funeral to say good bye to Internet Explorer 6 since it's now considered obsolete. These same 100 attendees will immediately attend a second funeral where they will say good bye to their love life.

03-04-2010

Kirstie Alley has recently dropped 20 pounds. She revealed her weight loss secret to People Magazine: Regurgitating Celine Dion.

Advocates for battered women are pushing for harsher laws to protect choke victims. This has congress worried since they keep ramming health care down our throats.

03-02-10

Bravo T.V is considering a new Reality Series based on the recent plan by France and Germany to help out Greece financially. It will be called My Big Fat Greek Bailout.

U.S Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton met with Chilean president Michelle Bechelet explaining," I know the impact that 8.8 can have on a hard hitting area. I was married to Bill."

A new grass root movement has emerged that is challenging the Tea Party. It's called the Coffee Party. The founder, Annabel Park said, "I’m in shock, just the level of energy here,”. It's called caffeine. (Made the NY Times Humor Blog front page.)

03-01-2010

Gatorade has decided to Drop Tiger Woods as a sponsor. Apparently they didn't like the answer to their slogan: Is it in you?

Israeli police clashed with Palestinian youths in response to stones being thrown at them. Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were badly hurt in the incident.