Monday, May 17, 2010

Ants won the battle. I won the war (sorry PETA)

For the past month, I have been at war with the ants. It turns out they like food. It also turns out that I leave my food out. The ants came with a vengeance and an insatiable appetite and they didn't just come by themsleves. NO they had to invite their friends, family, and co-workers. "Hey come over here, the guy leaves his food out. Free buffet," said the leader ant. I had to formulate a game plan. I tried 409 cleaning fluid. It killed some ants but the surviving ants just mocked me and walked away feeling cleaner than ever. I tried Windex, mainly because It was cheaper than an exterminator. I had the same result. Some died but others walked away having survived the battle. I needed help. I turned to the Chinese for the solution. I figured a billion people can't be wrong. I used the infamous Chinese "Miraculous Insecticide Chalk". It's also known as Chinese chalk. I used to see it around as a child and had heard how amazing the chalk works.So I had to go to Chinatown in Down Town Los Angeles. I didn't know that this chalk was banned here in the U.S.A because the shit is too powerful and the EPA is trying to protect us from its harmful effect (right). No, it turns out that some kids back in the day ate the chalk thinking it was candy and well you know, the lawyers got involved and instead of blaming the idiot parents, big brother said. This is bad. You can't use it. I went to several shops and I asked, "do you have the Chinese chalk?" The merchants were very cold to me. "No". At first I thought I may have a hygiene problem. Finally I was taken to a back section of a store where I was sold the Chinese Chalk. It wasn't until I left that I realized that the merchants may have thought I was a federal agent looking for sellers of the chalk.
The internet is filled with people swearing by how good it was. Still I was skeptical. I reach my apartment with a new sense of optimisim. I marked the common areas where the free loading ants march through. I marked sections of the trash can where they were. There were tons of ants and I noticed that as soon as they walked over the chalk, they acted drunk, fell, slipped and walked all crooked; kinda like you when you got that DUI. Then they slow down and they just accept their demise. Every single ant that brushed agains this chalk went down in agony. I stared at them with a wicked smile remembering their mocking ways and I watched as they withered away into the abyss. The ants fell. One by one. They fell like dominoes. They fell like contestants on Japanese shows. I hovered over them victorious. I did feel a little bit of sympathy watching some of the critters battle. But I did try to warn them that they were messing with the wrong species. Tonight, there are no ants only tiny corpses of ants that fell victim to my wrath and the Chinese Chalk. I win.

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