Friday, October 29, 2010
Osama Bin Laden has issued a taped message where he threatened to kill French citizens for France's support of the Afghan war and for its support of the burqa ban. As usual, France has caved in by banning berets and fries.
The queen of darkness, Elvira is returning to television after a 17 year absence with 26 new and scary episodes. The first featured film is titled: The future of the U.S economy.
The World's fastest super computer no longer belongs to the U.S. That honor now belongs to China. Americans are trying to get that technology from them but they keep putting up a great wall.
Clint McCance, an Arkansas school board member, said he will resign for posting a message on Facebook where he said he wanted gay people to commit suicide. No lawsuits will be launched. A judge ruled he has been punished already - He lives in Arkansas! (Apologies to Jay from "Cynical Bastard" who also resides there)
As a result of an FBI “sting” operation, a Pakastani man has been arrested for planning to attack the DC Metro area as part of an al Qaeda operation. The man needed to be hospitalized. Those killer bees are vicious.
The U.S Dollar reached near its record low of 1995. To show you how low it got, it's starting in its own reality show.
Charlie Sheen was found in a hotel drunk and naked with a 22 year old porn star. You know what that makes him right? Qualified for Congress.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Let me explain the glove pictured here. It is a "reflexology" glove. The glove is divided into pressure points that correspond to physical parts of your body. The theory goes that applying pressure to those points will "heal" or "improve" your ills.
My girlfriend bought this because I have been borderline psychotic lately and she thought this may help me. I've been having "depressive episodes" as shit has not gone according to plan. Needless to say my insomnia has gotten worse as has my anxiety and general depression. I did call to speak to a counselor today and someone is supposed to get back to me soon. I try not to be too much of a downer because this blog is supposed to be a humor blog and I don't want to be the bearer of bad news.
Back to the story. I went to Barnes and Noble with my girlfriend today to purchase a book I lost. As we are walking towards the parking lot, she reaches into a bag and opens up a package.
"I got something I want to try on you" my girlfriend tells me.
"what is it?"
She shows me this kit which includes two gloves, a ball, a chart, and a book. I laughed. "They know how to sell a golf ball for ten dollars" I tell her. It's called marketing. She begins to rub the ball on the pressure points that are supposed to relax me.
After leaving Barnes and Noble I went to the Mc. Donald's drive thru for their delicious ice cream cones. I'm wearing the glove proudly, like Michael Jackson did his sequin glove. "I'm going to pay with this glove" I tell my girlfriend. "Please don't", she begs. I win. I pay with the glove while keeping a straight face and collecting the cones SLOWLY so that the cashier can admire the artistry of my glove. I leave.
Now the truth is reflexology has a dubious reputation. Those who adhere to western standards will probably dismiss it as quakery. Penn and Teller featured reflexology on their show called "Bullshit." I'll keep an open mind and will keep the reader posted on the results.
The glove made me laugh. So far, it has already made me feel better.
Monday, October 25, 2010
A Seaside city in Italy wants to ban miniskirts for being indecent. Members of the Italian Mafia there praise that decision.
Keith Richards has been cut from Disney's Pirates 4 because over his drug use. In his defense, he thought he was playing a Rastafarian.
The Minnesota Viking coach has reported that Brett Favre has two fractures in his ankle. That's a relief for Favre who will still have the ability to sex- text without a problem.
In Florida, a 19 year old girl nicknamed "Hiccup Girl" has been charged with murder. Upon her arrest, she asked for an attorney and water.
Home sales were up 10% in September fueling some to speculate that we may be seeing a housing recovery. We have already seen a housing recovery. The banks call it "foreclosure."
A study out of Syracuse University has concluded that falling in love takes .2 seconds and its effect is like cocaine. And just like cocaine, it will leave you broke.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
A 19 year old was killed after being bitten off the Santa Barbara Coast. An “expert” is saying he was likely killed by a shark. Either that or there is a dude with big ass teeth and a fin on his back biting surfers.
After releasing confidential documents about the Iraq War, Wikileak founder Julian Assange defended the leaks during a press conference. He borrowed the speech from BP.
Leonard Nimoy, who played Spock on Star Trek, is recovering from benign abdominal surgery, logically.
In Stockholm, Sweden, police are looking for a serial shooter who has attacked 15 people;targeting immigrants that live in the city. Although his identity is unknown, Arizona is offering him political asylum.
After being court-ordered to continue drug rehab, Lindsey Lohan has told a judge she can't afford to stay at Betty Ford. Cocaine is expensive.
According to the WWF (World Wildlife Fund) Tiger Extinction could happen as soon as 2022. It has already happened in the P.G.A.
Friday, October 22, 2010
As difficult as this last year has been , I have tried my best to be a good citizen by following all the rules. I pay my taxes, obey traffic signals, signal before turning, and even helped an old lady cross the street (I'm not kidding I almost got killed crossing).
I passed a smog check and paid for my registration more than 1 month before it was due. Fast forward to last week.
Location: Anaheim,CA on Brookhurst Bouelavard. Situation: getting pulled over by a cop. Flashing lights behind me. I pull over, open the window, and I don't move. I'm Mexican. Sudden movements on my part can result in bone-shattering damage. I know the routine.
"Insurance and registration please"
I hand over the cop a mountain of papers that includes what he wants.
"I ain't going to read all of that..."
The cop continues, "looks like your registration expired"
"What do you mean?" (my ADD is now in full effect)
"It means your registration is expired!
"Sir I just got word that my registration has arrived by mail..."
"Hold on for a second" (he takes my i.d to make sure I'm not a fugitive on the run. I'm Mexican after all and well, you just can't take them kind of chances.)
"O.K Israel here you go, make sure you take care of that"
The loads of laundry should have tipped him off that I just finished doing laundry but who the hell needs logic these days
It turns out that the DMV papers said that I CAN'T! register my car because I was invloved in an accident and the other people's insurance deemed my car a "total loss" even though only my trunk was damaged. On paper, my car is not operational.
That's when the panic sunk in. What If I can't register my car. What if cost me $10,000 to fix this problem. What if (insert worse case scenario here).
I couldn't sleep. I'm neurotic and anxious to begin with. The sheer thoughts affected my dreams including getting raped by gobblins. (not true but added to ehnace the story.) But then I remember a phrase from a book I read. It simply states:
ACTION CURES FEAR.
I took action. I went to the DMV and the people in the Costa Mesa branch were really helpful. They realized they were dealing with a dummy so they simplified things for me. #1 do this #2 then do this #3 etc.
Turns out I had to get a light,break,and smog exam. Missing was the break and light exam. An old mechanic changed all three lights basically for free. I gave him $20. The mechanic referred me to a Vietnamese man that checked my brakes and lights but made me buy yellow lights for the front lights. After replacing them, I passed. They charged me $80 for this but for using a debit card, they wanted to charge me $3.50 extra. I tried hard to get this waived.
"Can I get a Mexican special and not pay the $3.50?" I asked the Vietnamese lady.
"Sorry you have to pay it."
"How about the Vietnam special?"
I tried playing the race card to no avail.
I took care of everything and I just need to go back to the DMV and get new license plates.
I learned a few lessons:
1- Perception is oftentimes worse than reality.
2- Having your card deemed "total loss" means getting new license plates.
3- Vietnamese people are difficult to barter with.
4- Cops are still assholes and will pull you over for no reason.
5- There are still nice people that are willing to help you out like the mechanic and the DMV people.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
At a recent debate in Delaware, Christine O’ Donnell was laughed at for being ignorant about the First Amendment. Those that laughed instantly turned into frogs.
The Texas Rangers beat up the NY Yankees to take a 3-1 lead in the ALCS. This is the 2nd biggest shocker in Texas history behind, "You mean I'm president?"
It's official Iron Man 3 will be released May 2013. It will be sponsored by Viagra.
A Federal Court ruling has paved the way for the millitary to accept openly gay recruits who can't wait to meet their "drill sargeant".
A senior Nato official claims that Osama Bin Laden lives in a luxurious home in Northwest Pakistan. The next door neighbor confirmed this saying Bin Laden always borrows bombs and never returns them.
Google is about to digitize the dead sea scrolls and make them available on-line. To view them do a Google search and type:"Larry King's first diary."
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Is it just me or is the internet becoming as annoying as television with the amount of ads that they saturate you with?
Today I wanted to see a video of a lady surviving cancer. BUT before I can see that video, I have to sit through a "Tide" commercial that shows a mother wearing her daughter's outfit to go out and party. I had two thoughts:
1- Why am I being held hostage to Tide soap?
2- What the hell is wrong with that mother? She's your daughter not your friend.
After the Tide ad I was too distracted to remember anything about the cancer survivor video. Before I could digest what I just watched, Geico asked that profound question that is etched to your brain and mine.
"Can switching to Geico really save you 15% or more on car insurance?"
This phenomena isn't limited to the internet. At several gas stations I go to, they have tiny screens that try to sell you something. "Good to see you...." the man tells me." I want to yell, "You can't see me, you are pre recorded!!!! but I don't want a run-in with the police.
At my car-wash spot, they have a television screen on the corner with a fuzzy image and fuzzy sound trying to sell me a fuzzy product.
Silence is the new rare commodity. Elen Degeneres has a funny bit where she concludes that Yoga is paying for silence. I better practice my Locust Pose.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Hours after he was arrested for domestic violence,Former NFL star Junior Seau drove off a cliff in Oceanside,CA. He would have died but for his helmet.
Xi Jinping has been named to a post seen by many as a precursor to the presidency in China. Learn that name folks. Even if you don't know him, you owe him. (Memo to America: He only accepts cash until the credit rating increases).
In the Phillipines, Typhoon Megi has hit causing devastation in its path. Meanwhile in California, Tycoon Meg is doing similar damage to one former maid.
Tyra Banks is being sued by a mother of a sex addicted teen who appeared on the Tyra Banks show without permission. Tyra had no comment while the daughter could not be reached for comment, probably because she was busy having sex.
In Hong Kong, you can get married under the golden arches at Mc.Donald's for $400 which will accommodate 50-100 guests. To RSVP this event, you need to state your name at the drive through.
Former Family Matters star, Jaleel White, who played “Urkel” is being accused of domestic violence. According to police reports, he would whip his girlfriend with oversized suspenders
Thursday, October 14, 2010
In Manhattan a mysterious shiny object has been spotted in the sky. Experts predict it's either a weather baloon or light reflecting off of Donald Trump's hair.
The FDA is warning that a type drug class (Bisphosphonates) used to prevent bone loss may actually cause fractures and create irony.
In New York, the FBI has busted a Medicare fraud ring that stole more than $160 million by using fake identities to receive medical payments. This is not to be confused with the recently passed Health Care Bill.
CVS has agreed to pay $75 million dollars for allowing repeated purchases of a key “meth” ingredient which led to an increase in drug trafficking. A toothless CVS spokesperson said “I won’t do it again, promise.”
The tense drama is now over as the last of the Chilean miners have been rescued. However, still missing is a rabbit wearing a waistcoat that was last heard saying, "Oh dear oh dear I shall be too late."
In Berlin, a museum will host an exhibition that will explore how Hitler was able to get support for his regime. Fox News excutives are making their employees attend this training class.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
One of the trapped miners,Yonni Barrios, is involved in an affair and bizzare love triangle. Upon his rescue he was greeted by his girlfriend, his wife, and the producer of The Maury Povich Show. (Joke by request from Yvonne. See previous notes)
Brett Favre is considering sitting out of a game, the first time since 1992, because of an arm injury. His arm hasn't made a decision if it will be healthy or not.
A music band blocked the 101 freeway in Los Angeles and performed on top of their truck as part of a publicity stunt. Commuters didn't notice a difference.
A federal judge in California has ruled that The Pentagon needs to stop its "Don't ask Don't Tell" policy. This lawsuit was initiated by a gay rights group called the Log Cabin Republicans. The broke-back Democrats also support this decision.
Oklahoma was rattled by a 5.1 earthquake. Or as they call it in California, a little teaser.
The CDC is reporting that, as a group, Hispanics outlive blacks and whites. Well, you have to be pretty healthy to climb fences, swim for miles, and mow lawns.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
In an effort to be bio-friendly, Wallmart will sell pet products made from trash. Remaining bio-friendly, those products will eventually be purchased by trash.
At a Dallas, Texas fair, you can now buy fried beer. Now you have a choice: dying from liver damage or clogged arteries.
The Chilean miners are hours away from being rescued from the smoldering heat of the mines. The trapped men have a new nickname: The Red Hot Chilean Peppers.
Google is investing $5 billion in an offshore wind project. If they want to save money and still gather wind power, they could just follow me around after I devour a bean burrito. (gross I know but mainly true).
Pastor Eddie Long is being sued for defaulting on a peoperty loan in Georgia. Man, that Eddie Long sure likes getting behind.
Courteney Cox and David Arquette have separated. According To her, she was tired of being his mother. David Arquette was asked to comment but he said he couldn't. He is still in "time out".
Saturday, October 9, 2010
While I have acepted the fact that my glory days are over, that doesn't mean that I don't have a pulse on what's happening in today's pop culture. I attribute this to two things: 1- Internet access 2- I have young cousins.
I was recently made aware of a new dance (new to me at least) called "shuffling". Below you will see a clip of some whipper snappers dangerously putting themsleves at risk. Oh dear!
What I saw was the Running man!
I don't care if you put a hat on a duck. If it looks like a duck and acts like a duck, it's a freaking duck, albeit with a hat.
Now I know that things evolve. except in parts of Texas where they want to change the school curriculum. Google that later) I 'm aware that pop culture trends mesh the old with the new and improve upon it.
But I'm sticking to my guns. That is the running man. Come on bloggers back me up here!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
In Bellemont Arizona a tornado has destroyed 200 homes. The mess would've been cleaned up by now but Governor Jane Brewer has kicked out the people that would've cleaned it.
The musical comedy show "Glee" has bested The Beatle's record for the most hit singles. For Ringo and Paul, It's been a hards day night.
Roy Halladay of the Philadelphia Phillies pitched the 2nd "no hitter" in baseball post season history. A stunned Chris Brown said, "you mean they exist?".
A new species of fish has been found along the Mekong river. It has been named the Dracula Fish because of it's fang-like teeth. Nearby another species of fish has also been found and they wear neck-braces.
Kim Kardashian and her sister are in New York to promote their next show, Kourtney and Kim take New York. It's a spinoff from their earlier show: Kourtney and Kim will take anything.
Richmond Virginia is getting ready to host a 2 day summit for a Tea Party patriot convention. I got a copy of their planned events!
Day one's Agenda: Obama- Nigerian or Martian? They both suck.
Day two's Agenda: Why Obama is like Hitler only darker and more socialisty.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
At a circus in the Ukrain, a lion viciously attacked its trainer in front of a stunned audience. The lion, previously passive, has been visibly more aggressive since it returned from Oz.
In China, one UFO shut down an airport to prevent passenger jets from crashing into it. Chinese Officials did not want to take a chance with Asian drivers.
The “Time Square Bomber” has received a life sentence. He’s getting no sympathy from married men.
What does Snoop Dog and Tuesday’s stock prices have in common? They both rose to a 5 month high.
In Dubai, a traveler is claiming that he was barred from a flying because he was blind. The airline insists it was a mistake. The referee outfit should have been a dead giveaway.
Susan Boyle is pulling out of “Dancing with the Stars”. This is the only time you’ll hear “pull out” and “Susan Boyle” in the same sentence.
Friday, October 1, 2010
The CDC is reporting that 1 in 10 americans suffer from major depression. The other 90% falsely believe they are happy.
A pink hippo has been photographed in Kenya. He answers to "sissy".
Stephen J Cannell, the creator of the "A Team" has died. In a statement released by Mr. T, he said he pittied the fool.
The U.S government is apologizing for infecting hundreds of Guatemalans in the 1940's with syphillis for a "medical" experiment. By the government's standard, this apology is timely.
Tiger Wood's alleged mistress claims to have sold a sex video which shows Tiger woods in a threesome. The tape was authenticated after spotting his 9 iron.
CNN newscaster Rick Sanchez called John Stewart a bigot and said that Jews in CNN run the media. Immediately after that comment a powerful Jew from CNN fired him.
Come on bloggers play the game that is as popular as Christianity is with Osama Bin Laden. Here is how it works. You make a formula out of something that is pertinent to you at the moment.
TENNIS MATCH WEEKS AGO + BRAND NEW SHOES WITH THICK HEELS x NO LONGER 21 YEARS OLD = ADVANTAGE NOT ME.