Monday, May 30, 2011
Speaking about "American Idol", Steven Tyler said the show sucks. Have you seen his lips? He knows sucking.
Scientists now believe that the moon may have had more water than previously believed. I could have told you that. Cheese contains water duh.
Arriving in a motorcycle, Sarah Palin kicked off her bus tour this Memorial Day weekend. She was inspired by Obama’s throw Israel under the bus tour.
This Wednesday, Candice Crawford will get married to Dallas Cowboys quarterback, Tony Romo, if she can get pass the guards.
After being sworn in as the new Nigerian President, Goodluck Jonathan said he wants to unite the feuding North and South regions. Nigeria please.
Lindsey Lohan was ordered to begin her house arrest. She asked the judge, “Where will I find giant handcuffs?
Sunday, May 29, 2011
This holiday weekend didn't go quite as planned. I don't plan things well and so I was home and my girlfriend was bored and wanted to do something "fun" and she was itching to leave the house and go anywhere anywhere anywhere (sing along to The Smiths). The converstaion was typical:
Her: "So what are we going to do?"
Me: "I don't know what do you want to do?"
Her: "let's leave the house."
Me: "Yeah it is sunny."
Her: "You never plan anything fun."
Me: (admiting defeat) "Whatever you want to do, I'll do."
Here is the thing folks. I do have an opinion but that's not what's important. What's important is that I minimize the pain of my decisions if they deviate from what my girlfriend wants to do. The equation looks something like this:
MD+ME = X
If P of HD-MD = or is greater than X, HD prevails.
MD (My decision)
ME (My enjoyment)
HD (Her decision)
WE'RE OFF TO BINGO
I have never played Bingo in a Bingo hall. Oh my goodness. It was a trip to be surrounded by future Florida retirees. The hall was huge and I thought it would be easy to hear a letter and number and punch it on a paper. I couldn't be more wrong.
The rules sounded like Sudoku to me. I thought that if you completed a line, that was bingo. OH no, each game has different rules. There are wild card numbers that get scratched automatically, there are certain shapes that must be completed in one or more cards, and we had a Samoan lady breaking down the science of the game.
My head was spinning. Old ladies are laughing at my stupididy as I'm trying to get clarity on the rules. "Can the line be vertical or can it diagonal?"
They read the numbers super fast also. "I punch the number, you remember the winning shapes o.k?" I petition my girlfriend." "No you have to remember the rules too!"
I gave up. They went so fast that It resembled the nasdaq movement at Wall Street.
THE SECOND ANNOUNCER
While I was baffled in the first round, I can lay blame on myself. However, things would get worse. They switched announcers and he mumbled! I swear he was Charlie Brown's teacher. After he read I asked myself, "did he say B or G?" He rambled another number. "WHAT!" I yellled in disgust. "WHAT?" My girlfriend wants to laugh but she's semi-embarassed by my antics. I order stale nachos and play two more games before conceding defeat.
I will be back and I will master this complex game but if Charlie Brown's teacher is there, I'm walking out.
P.S I'm still having issues with Blogger as I can't leave messages on certain blogs so don't think that I'm not reading.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Years ago a buddy and me went on a double date with these two blond girls. One grew up in Whittier and was kind of a party girl. I didn't know her cousin but she was going to be Edgar's date. Edgar was a friend I've known since high school.
The plan was to go to a comedy show in Hollywood at a place called "The Palace". They usually have music concerts there but back in the day they also had comedy shows.
We park and we have to wait in line. Right away, I knew the date wasn't going well.
My date to her cousin: "Oooh he's cute"
My date: "Go talk to him. I would"
This goes on for about 10 minutes and my buddy and I gave each other that look that said, "Oh payback is a bitch."
Now here is the thing. Our dates don't owe us anything but perhaps just a little respect. I found the firting a tad disrespectful. The girls flirted their way to the front row. The show was o.k, I guess. I was too pissed to remember any part of it.
When we exit and are outside, my date flips and wants to act "sweet". It was very cold outside. "So are you going to give me your jacket?" she asks. "No". (silence)
We get to my car and I have a plan. "Edgar sit in the front." I tell him. The girls sit in the back and I lower my windows and let the artic winds rape their faces and hair. It was freezing. I wasn't done.
I stopped by my old "hood" in East Los Angeles at the Estrada Courts Projects. I tell Edgar to follow me. I tell the girls, "wait here I'll be right back." I visit a friend and I'm just staring at my watch trying to figure out how much torture was enough.
As soon as I approach the car my date goes off on me.
"Are you crazy!!! Are you crazy!!!! Leaving two white girls in the projects with the windows down. That is disrespectful!"
I snapped back. "You want to talk about respect?!
They got the message. The ride back was silent and cold (for them).
(In a sad side note, the main suspect in the beating of the San Francisco Giants fan is from the VNE gang. It is located in the exact spot where I took the girls.)
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Have you ever asked yourself, "What would an apple say if it could talk?" Or What do my shoes think of me? No? Well some of us do ask such profound questions o.k. Don't judge. In the next weeks, I will take you behind the mind of inanimate objects if they had minds, feelings and personalities. I have missed my last two sessions with my therapist and I think that it's starting to show. Enjoy.
BTW Blogger is preventing me from commenting on some blogs but I swear I read your blogs
Monday, May 23, 2011
Armpio Pharmaceuticals said that its drug to treat premature ejaculation showed significant results. The evidence is overwhelming. It would stand up in court.
This Saturday, the rapture was interrupted by a smashing elbow from Randy 'macho man" savage. Oh yeah! (R.I.P)
Astronomers have confirmed the existence of dark energy in the cosmos. This may explain why the universe appears to be expanding. White flight.
In Missouri, tornado Joplin has caused devastation killing 116. Meanwhile, in Oklahoma, the state was rocked by another twister named Dirk.
DNA samples obtained from the clothing of the maid have confirmed that it belonged to Strauss-Hahn. Police still want to interview Colonel Mustard and Professor Plum.
Speaking of maids, I'm starting to think that they wield tremendous power. One brings down the head of the IMF. Another, took out ex E-bay CEO Meg Whitman, and recently one terminated the marriage of the terminator and Maria. (Memo from Maria Shriver: I won't be back)
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Tonight I went to Hollywood to a tribute to the late, Mitch Hedberg. To those that may not know who he is, he is perhaps my favorite comedian. The guy was super funny and original and a true comedy legend. Even in his apparent simplicity, his jokes contain a depth and originality that is mind blowing. He was a comics' comic and he was known to be super shy but very generous and had a gentle soul. In 2005, he died a very young man. It is believed that he had a heart condition that led to his death. But it is also no secret that he did drugs. "I used to do drugs. I still do but I used to too."
The tribute was organized by his late wife Lynn Shawcroft. It was held at the Steve Allen Theatre on Hollywood Boulevard. The crowd ranged from young, old male, female, comedians, weirdos, and everyone in between.
Rare footage was shown in Mitch doing a live set at some small comedy club. Later several comedians performed including Nick Thune, Kyle Kinane, Garfunkel and Oates, and Morgan Murphy. The comedians were very funny and I tried my best to enjoy the show but then my dick began to betray me and it conspired with my bladder to make me look bad.
Early on, I had to piss but the trouble was that in order to use the bathroom, I had to walk to the front of the stage. I tried to hold it in. I tried everything. I meditated, I ignored it, I pinched the northern region, I shook my foot like I had restless leg syndrome.
One comedian finished and I thought I had a break to the restroom and then the host would beging, "coming to the stage..." Now I can't go and my leg is vibrating and I can't even hear half the jokes that the comedians are saying. I felt moisture in my pants. THANK GOD I'M WEARING BLACK JEANS.
I now have a to strategize. How many punchlines before my pants resembles Mississippi (too soon sorry). More squirts out! How old am I...three?
The next comedian finishes and I run to the bathroom faster than cousins at the border.
I have to shower now.
In China, a girl was born with two heads. She was named Sum Tin Wong.
Dominique Strauss Kahn, the head of International Monetary Fund has been jailed on allegations that he tried to rape a hotel maid. Speaking of rape, did I mention that he is jail?
The pope has issued new guidelines to bishops all over the world on how it will handle suspected cases of sex abuse. He also distributed condoms and candy.
Inspired by Facebook, An Israeli couple has named their baby “Like” The Dad should also change his name to “What’s on your Mind?”
After 45 years of being the host of the MDA telethon, Jerry Lewis is walking away. Why rub it in?
On Monday, the U.S hit the debt ceiling at $14.3 trillion. On Tuesday, The U.S stopped answering calls from China that began, “this is an attempt to collect a debt…”
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Being Mexican, I am acutely aware of the negative stereotypes about my peeps. So it doesn't help when I see shit that makes me scratch my head and say, no wonder they think we're ghetto. In this sense, we are similar to blacks and my man Q will back me up on this. Quincy from Thank Q For Common Sense had a recent article where the theme and conclusion was that there is nothing fabulous about being "ghetto fabulous." I have to agree. " Exhibit #1:
BABY T-SHIRTS AT THE MONTEBELLO TOWN CENTER
I went to the mall and had to take a picture of the baby shirts that proud Mexican parents can buy their children:
"Daddy's Lil Homie" - I just love the indoctrination that this shirt will produce. For those who grew up in the burbs and don't know what a "homie" is, it's like a good friend except that the term homie comes from "homeboy" which is a term used synonymous with gang member. Good job Daddy. Maybe you can offer tips on doing drive by shootings.
"Half Beaner" - I have to admit this is kinda funny but can I can't imagine other races doing similar things. Imagine Jews having shirts that read: Half Kike or Arab babies wearing 1/2 camel jockey tees. You get the point.
"I love Boobies" - Who is the soccer mom that will buy Jr the shirt that virtually guarantees that he will grow up to be a pervert lurking behind every dark corner with a trench coat and vaseline.
"My Mom is hot" - Are some women so insecure that they have to have their kids be walking billboards? The kid wearing this shirt should really be wearing a shirt that reads, "Mommy doesn't really like condoms and she makes poor choices. I'm proof."
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Today is Cinco De Mayo, a time when Mexican Americans ask, Why Should the Irish be the only ones with a day to get drunk.
Henry Cavil, who plays "Superman" is engaged to his kleptomaniac girlfriend, Ellen Whitaker. Afterall, he is the man of steal. (yes, it will get worse)
In Japan they have created a machine that simulates "French Kissing". It will soon be available in stores everywhere right next to World of Warcraft.
The price of oil tumbled 7% as demand for it sunk. In fact, it sunk so low that it is now dating Snooki.
A study out of the Netherlands has concluded that sex and coffee may trigger a stroke. Except in my case. I drink coffee before I stroke my trigger. (sometimes the best part of waking up is just waking up)
Octomom's fertility doctor might lose his license. If he does, he will be octo gone (told you it would get worse)
The Syrian army has started to pull out of Daraa. I don't know Daraa but she better carry condoms.
At the time of his death, it appears that Osama Bin Laden had an escape plan since he had money stitched to his clothes. Either that or he was recently married and was doing his first dance.
Monday, May 2, 2011
It was the elite Seal Team Six that was responsible for killing Bin Laden. They have a new slogan: Bin There. Done that.
A top U.S official has confirmed that Bin Laden attempted to use one of his wives as a shield when U.S Forces began shooting him. Unfortunately, she was wearing her Target shirt.
Now that Bin Laden has been captured one lucky Pakistani is left wondering: How many camels will $25 million get me?
Is "Pakistan" the name of a country or a statement about a guy named Pak that likes the sun?
Bin Laden was given a religious funeral prior to being buried at sea. His supporters are outraged. He can't swim!
Many republicans are using the news of Obama's killing to advocate the policy of torture, Or as it is commonly known as: Watching Fox News.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
After more than 10 years and countless deaths, America's public enemy #1 (Bin Laden) was killed. To say that this even is huge in an understatement, we are witnessing history unfold. Years from now, you will be able to answer the question, "Where were you when Osama Bin Laden was killed?"
While this event will send shockwaves to the world, and bring some solace to those affected by 911, I can't help but anticipate that there will be alot of haters that will minimize the accomplishments of Obama. I recall Rush Limbaugh publicly stating that he wishes Obama to fail! Obama took care of business quietly. He did not put on army gear and fly on a fighter jet. He did not publicly state "Mission Accomplished". He told us that this country is facing an enemy and challenges that will force him to make difficulty decisions. Yet, he did what two presidents were unable to do: he captured Bin Laden. To quote rap great KRS ONE, "Real bad boys move in silence.
Just last week, Obama had to release his birth certificate to prove he is an American. Imagine that. Clowns like Trump and birthers have been made to eat crow and I can just imagine what the other side is going to do to downplay this great accomplishment.
Sadly, as much as I want to believe that the attacks against Obama are not motivated by race, there are too many instances where racism has been made apparent albeit in subtle ways.
In the beginning, Obama's faith was questioned. Was he a Christian or a Muslim? Then, his place of birth was questioned. Next, came the ridiculous portrayal of Obama as Hitler. To make matters worse, the Tea Baggers presented racist imagery of Obama as a witch doctor, monkey , or using slang. (The implication being that Obama, because he is black is uneducated and "ghetto") I predict that credit will be given to the "great strides that were made during the Bush administration." I also predict that his accomplishment will be questioned.
I can't wait to listen to talk radio and listen to the right wing psychos hate on Obama. But tonight love him or hate him, he took care of business and history will remember that.