It's too close to home and too near the bone

jokes 06-29-11

Researchers in China have concluded that having bad gums is linked to erectile dysfunctional. In response to this, Viagra is joining forces with Trident.

Rumors are circulating that Charlie Sheen's character on "Two and a half men" will die in the network premiere. That episode is aptly named "premonition".

Michelle Bachman claims that she misspoke when she confused John Wayne with John Wayne Gacy. She corrected herself and apologized to the family of John Wayne Bobbit.

The star of Ugly Betty recently got married to her husband, horrendous Steve.

Lady Gaga is being sued for allegedly scamming people who purchased bracelets that were supposed to help out the victims of the Japanese earthquake. In Japan, they call this "sue she" (apologies in advance)

Christine Legarde has broken the gender barrier by becoming the first woman to lead the IMF. Her first order of business includes raising interest rates and lowering toilet seats.

Death is it really the end?

Don't worry. This post won't be a metaphysical inquiry into the afterlife. Rather it's a tale that illustrates that even when I try to remain incognito with strangers,they seem to find me.

Today I went to Starbucks to get my liquid crack. I parked behind their parking lot along an alley because there is never any parking at Starbucks.

As I'm approaching my car, I see a middle-aged chubby guy standing outside of his SUV and he is staring at me. I thought he was lost and needed directions.

"How's it going", he tells me with a giant smile.
"How are you?", I replied.
"Mind if I give you some reading material that you can read later?"
"Sure"

He gave me a brochure that Jehova Witnesses use to convert people. it was entitled: Death is it really the end?. Then he got into his automobile and left abruptly.It was as if I was on today's agenda. "Today I shall amuse this Cynical Mexican with religious literature."

Ironically, the name of the brochure is called "Awake" and I received it at Starbucks. Get it?

As I got in my car and drove to work, I began to ask a profound questions. What if God was trying to communicate with me using this jolly man?

I would hate to go to the pearly gates and be confronted by God:

"Why did you ignore my invitation?"
"How was I suppose to know that was you? I heard you work in mysterious ways but come one, give me a pass. And besides, how efficient can one guy be passing out flyers? Haven't you heard of the internet?

"Make room for one more smart ass below"

What happened Eddie?

I was bored at work. I had to call real estate agents for business. If you never dealt with agents, it's like talking to 3 year olds minus the snot and personality.

The task was mind numbing so to entertain myself, I began playing a game called: Who does this agent look like? I would cut and paste pictures of agents and match them with pics of celebrities. I had an agent that looked like Gilbert Gottfried, Michael Jackson (It was a white woman with big eyes), Liza Minelli, etc. I then emailed the pics to co-workers that were somewhat grateful that I broke the monotony in their day.

I saw an agent that looked like Eddie Van Halen, the last time I remembered him. I went to find a pic of Eddie. Holy crap the guy has not aged well! He looks like a villain in a a cartoon. This reminded me that time gets to all of us. I just hope that I decay more gracefully and learn to be more productive at work

Papi won't snitch or get robbed

jokes 6-15-11

Crystal Harris has called off the wedding to Hugh Heffner. Apparently, she had a change of heart which in Heffner’s case would be called a transplant.

Fran Drescher will premier her new show “Happily Divorced” which features her ex, gay husband Peter Jacobson. Incidently, he was straight before hearing her laugh.

Derek Jeter is 7 hits away from obtaining the historic 3000 hits also known as a Charlie Sheen weekend.

A recent study has found that when wives can't sleep, the marriage suffers. The same study found if husbands suffer, this helps wives fall asleep.

An Anthony Weiner doll action figure has been released online and already there are reports that it has send dirty pictures to Barbie.

Broken

Q and A with comedy writer Gary Bachman

I became aware of Gary Bachman when I began submitting jokes to DailyComedy. He's a regular there and even as a novice, he would always ecourage me with his seal of approval of my jokes. The guy is not only positive, he's also very funny and witty. He is one of my favorite writers because of his unique take on current events.

1-HOW DID YOU GET INTO WRITING COMEDY?

I’m blessed to have been raised in a family that laughed a lot. I wrote my first joke in sixth grade. My sixth grade teacher wrote on my report card that she liked my “witticisms.” I incorporated humor into my writing assignments in high school, but then after high school I pursued several different careers and humor writing was set aside. It wasn’t until Al Gore invented the Internet that I started writing humor again.

2-WHAT IS YOUR JOKE WRITING PROCESS?

I write mostly by using word associations, word plays, and trying to form connections between two different ideas. For example, Anthony Weiner made me think of condiments and condiments sounds like condoms. So I wrote a joke about Weiner not having any love children because he used a condiment.

3- WHAT KEEPS YOU MOTIVATED TO BE A PROLIFIC AS YOU ARE?

I write jokes because they are an intellectual challenge. They are an outlet for my creative impulses. A good joke gives me a feeling of accomplishment. And to be perfectly honest, I enjoy positive feedback from readers.

4- I LIKE YOUR QUOTE ON YOUR DASHBOARD THAT READS, "DON'T DO IT FOR THE MONEY. DON'T DO IT FOR THE FAME. DO IT BECAUSE YOU CAN'T NOT DO IT. CAN YOU EXPAND ON THIS QUOTE A LITTLE FURTHER.

This is a quote from Barry Manilow (my favorite singer growing up—now you know what a nerd I am). The quote is applicable because I’m not famous and am not making any money from writing jokes. And like Manilow, I write because I need an outlet for my creative impulses.

5- I NOTICED THAT MANY WRITERS ARE PRETTY INTROVERED AND/OR PRIVATE WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF THIS WAY?

Definitely. I try to avoid social situations. I feel very uncomfortable around strangers. I’m not good at small talk. I am extremely introverted. I fear making a fool of myself. I have put off doing stand up for this reason.

6- ARE THERE ANY TOPICS THAT ARE OFF LIMITS FOR YOU FOR MORAL REASONS?

I’m not sure how to answer that (which makes it sound like I have no ethical principles). For example, I made a joke about Kevorkian’s death, but I wouldn’t feel right about joking about the Japanese tsunami deaths (which got Gilbert Gottfried in trouble). I grew up attending church, so I probably wouldn’t do any jokes that question the existence of God or the authority of the Bible. As a Chrisitan, I feel a tinge of guilt when I write jokes that poke fun at celebrities or use sexual double entendres. But that doesn’t stop me. 

7- BESIDES WRITING, HAVE YOU DONE ANY PERFORMING ARTS?

I did some acting in school and church. I once had two roles in a play about Moses—an Egyptian and the Pharoah. I had the distinction of dying twice in a one-act play.

8- WHAT PREMISES OR TOPICS DO YOU CONSIDER HACK OR OVERUSED?

I almost exclusively write about current events. I guess, for example, jokes about Anthony Weiner could grow tiresome. I don’t like comedic acts that use a lot of profanity and vulgarity (not that I’m prudish) .


9- WHAT IS THE SECRET TO BEING "FUNNY"?

I wish I knew. Perhaps I wouldn’t write so many bad jokes.  Punchlines with a surprise twist are usually funny. And making connections between two disparate things.

10- WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE FOR ASPIRING COMEDY WRITERS OR BLOGGERS THAT WANT TO INCORPORATE HUMOR IN THEIR WORK?

Keep writing. Joke writing is like baseball. In baseball if you get three hits for every ten at bats, you are a success. Same with joke writing. Accept the fact that you are going to write a lot of bad jokes. The more bad jokes your write the closer you are to writing a good one. Take a topic and write down all the words (people, things, places, etc) that relate to that topic. Then try to make connections and associations that are funny. Good luck!

Flashback Friday - The time I saw the Pixies at Coachella

I'm not a big fanatic about many music groups just one- The Pixies. I love their raw sound and energy and their nonsensical lyrics. There is nothing more cool than a genius of a band that does not take themselves too seriously.

I don't even know why I like them so much. I just "feel them". I feel their energy and I think that how they compose songs is awesome. Like I tell people, they were grunge before that scene ever had a label.

Here is the thing, they were around in the 80's and I never got to see them so I got on my knees and prayed to the woman upstairs. What, no one told you? I said, "Goddess, please let the Pixies play one more time for me. Pretty please."
And being a sucker for childish antics, she said, "o.k".

In 2004,they played at Coachella and I forked over alot of cash to see one band. Sure Radiohead was there as were dozens of other bands but i was there for the Pixies.

It was hot and I was sweaty and I had gone with a "friend" and we weremt talking then but she bartered with me. She drives and I pay for the tix.

I waited in the dessert sun and out comes this old,balding man and a balding drummer and even Joey Santiogo had lost his hair. Kim, (the famale bassist looked older but still very cool.)

Was I going to be dissapointed? I waited for their first note and then the drums to Bone Machine played and I jumped up and down to their amazing music. The crowd was all one organism moving collectively to the vibrations of sound. I lost track of time and I was one with the music.

After they played their last song I walked away thinking, "wow those old people can still rock."

The Best Band Ever

Winning Caption: "The booty popping contest is over there..."

Congrats to Quicy from Thank,Q for Common Sense. You win one of my used books. I had plenty of funny captions but this one made me chuckle the loudest. Email me and tell me where you want me to send you your prize.

6-7-11 jokes

Anthony Weiner has confessed to sending a collge girl suggestive pictures of himself in his underwear. If you thought this was bad, wait till he gets his Hanes on you.

A new study suggests that the drug Aromasin cuts breast cancer incidence by 65%. Futher research is still needed. I say we take a hands on approach.

Brigitte Nielsen says that she had an intimate affair with Arnold Schwarzenegger during the filming of the movie "Red Sonja". She admits she knew the fling would only last as long as the shoot. Isn't that how it always ends?

A man in Utah has been charged with disorderly conduct after he paid his medical bills with 2500 pennies. Normally, I would add my two cents here but I don't want trouble.

In Los Angeles there is an employment services that specializes in placing senior women for domestic staffing needs. Its called Rent-a-Grandma. For an extra fee, Maddona will even sing to your kids.

Facebookland , Real life and what is a friend and...

I had en episode recently that has made me re-evalaute how and why we socialize.

A few days ago I received an email by an old "Friend" (emphasized for a key reason) who found me on Facebook. I don't have my pic on Facebook but I drop just enough clues that would be known by those few who know me.

This friend and I go way back. I mean way back. We met at the Community College. She wore alot of black and she smoked alot and was very cynical and guarded. We got along great.

I hung out at her place alot and we were really good friends. I even hooked her up with one of my rapper friends who laid on top of her and said, "What's my name?". Later he asked her for duckets (cash) cuz he needed gas money.

One Christmas I invited her to my mom's house on Christmas to eat Tamales because she didn't have familiy in the States. We once took a bus to Hollywood for the hellof it. Once I had her debate the legalization of prostitution with a homeless guy outside of Tang's donuts in Los Angeles. I videotaped that "debate".

We were good friends. I thought so.

She then moved to Santa Monica, CA, then New Jersey and then she just vanished. I hadn't heard from her until I received her email.

I wrote back, "Hey psycho what's your number?"

And she wrote verbatim:

What the hell, I'm not ready to speak to you on the phone, how long has it been? Email me (email given)with a summary of your life from the past decade before we proceed.

I wrote back:
Forget I asked. That's lame.

I was taken back by that comment. I always considered us friends because I believe that once a friend, always a friend. Perhaps I'm old fashioned.

I called up my sisted and discussed, what I perceived as a diss.

She offered some great insights. She said, "In Facebookland people can be whatever they want you to perceive. It's safe. A phone call represents the real world." In short, FB alows you to keep people at a safe distance.

Am I missing something here? Is there a different set of norms and ettiquette to Facebook that doesn't translate to real life. Does "friend" have a dual meaning. Am I living in a parallel world where wanting to rekindle a friendship needs to pass several layers of scrutiny?

I'd like to hear your opinion.

Facebook in Real Life