Monday, April 9, 2012

Starbucks Chronicles

I drink Starbucks everyday. In the early hour I'm drawn to it like a moth is to bright lights. It's my daily ritual. When I get there I'm surrounded by other glossy-eyed customers who have to trick their bodies into thinking they have energy. Energy that is needed to deal with the hell call work.

At Starbucks, I don't just get my caffeine fix. I also get a daily dosage of optimism from the Starbucks employees whose giddy displays are usually reserved for first dates or Thanksgiving dinners.

"what will it be today?", says the smiling girl at the cashier.

I'm jealous of that zeal because if it's me and it's morning time and I have to serve strangers, my greeting might sound like this:

"what do you want?"

If the order is complicated and requires conversion tables and a mastery of the metric system, I'll just say, "No! you are having a green tea and a cookie. That will be $3.55."

The next day I would find myself in the unemployment line ranting to anyone that would listen that Starbucks management lacks a sense of humor.

If you take time to people watch, Starbucks can provide you with hours of free entertainment. My favorite group of people to watch are business people AKA Con Artists AKA Self employed people who are trying to convince another to join their organization because it is there that your financial problems get bitch slapped. Especially entertaining is the air of respectability and nobility they purport to have.

"When I talk to a customer it's like I put them in a trance. I snap my finger BOOM. BOOM. It's all psychological. I'm revealing my secrets with you!" (Yes that conversation actually took place)

Starbucks also seems to hire a prototype employee: The young and animated thespian who has to yell out witty comments for us to hear over the latest Bruce Springsteen song. It's like there is a Glee audition happening and I stopped believing a long time ago.

Recently, Starbucks got rid of several tables and outlets to discourage "laptop hobos" from going to Starbucks and staying there all day occupying the tables because of it's Wi-FI capabilities.

At first this pissed me off because I remember going to Starbucks when I was unemployed so that I can find work. The irony is that Starbucks selling point used to be "Come to Starbucks. We have Wi-Fi". Then They get all pissed. "What the fuck? people are here for out Wi-Fi ???"

A few years back I got caught up with the Starbucks sucks propaganda. I went to competing chains. And you want to know something? The others sucked even worse! Starbucks makes a decent cup of coffee. It's not gourmet, but it gives me just enough energy to finish writing shit like this.


  1. i have missed your crazy ass!!!! this had me rolling! hilarious! reminds of a few friends of mine who are starbucks worshippers. i don't drink coffee but i am addicted to coca-cola. or i was, i gave it up for lent and made it! :) anyway, funny as always, quit being elusive and write more, dammit!

  2. Hey, I'm with you on this one. You should try buying coffee in England. All the pubs started selling it over the last 5 years, but most of them make terrible coffee!

    You're on Twitter - I never knew. Going to find you now.

    Hope you're well?

  3. Now that was a laugh I really needed! The whole rant was terrific and the last line was a cherry on top!!!

    This needs to be posted inside Starbucks... I think it would really add to the ambiance.

    Well done!!!