Politics in America - Bill Hicks

jokes 7-28-11

Bob Bradley has been fired as head coach of the U.S Soccer team. Upon hearing this news, he fell to the floor, grabbed his ankle and cried like a baby.

Kat Von D and Jesse James have broken up. Just like real douches, two at a time is just too much.

Astronomers have detected an asteroid close to the earth that moves in the same orbit around the sun This type of asteroid is called a trojan asteroid. The larger ones are called Magnums.

Alex Trebek,host of “Jeopardy” injured his leg as he chased a burglar out of his hotel room. What is geriatric?

An AWOL soldier near Fort Hood was arrested with bomb-making material, including a movie script for Dane Cook.

A latex, Casey Anthony mask fetched just under $1 million dollars on Ebay. This is an example of when a winner can still be a loser.

According to science, “The Champ” is the saddest movie ever. The runner up? The film starring a drunk David Hasselhoff eating a burger on the floor.

The Grapist

UN-WISE LIKE AN OWL- "OWLING"

I may be decomposing at an incredible rate but that does not mean that I do not have a pulse on what's happening with the kids these days. There used to a time when the only acceptable way to take a picture was to yell cheese and smile. Not anymore. "Cheese" is, well cheesy. Today's generation needs change, innovation, and the latest trend or fashion statement. It doesn't matter if the change is good. It just needs to be different and "now". So move over "duckface" and "planking." It's all about owling.

Owling is the act as posing like an owl. To be effective, you should let your arms drag to the side while you squat. You can look straight ahead or make a funny face. It doesn't matter. To be real authentic, you should probably hunt mice at night and try to find how many licks it takes to get to the center of a lollipop.

jokes 7-21-11

In China, fake “Apple” stores are popping up everywhere. They are being operated by mannequins.

Jazz legend Joe Lee Wilson has died at 75. The place and the time of the funeral is still unknown as it shall be improvised.

Emma Watson is to star in a new film "Beauty and the Beast." Who is going to play Beauty?

A blistering heat wave has hit the Midwest. In Iowa, it was so bad that farmers had to sell their corn to Orville Redenbacher.

On Sunday, Golf sensation Rory Mcilroy was having dinner and kissing tennis star, Caroline Wozniacki. By all accounts, things are in full swing.

In Indiana, Aaron Pace claims he was not allowed to give blood because he appeared to be gay. He insists he is straight and was so upset that he grabbed his purse and dashed out of there in his high heels.

I feel America will be safer now that Obama has appointed a new Secretary of State: Rupert Murdoch's wife!

In Washington, a woman was arrested after she tried to hell her infant boy for $500 or 250 Burrito Supremes.

Weird Al in Orange County, CA

Last week's "Weird" weekend

Last week I called up my friend Nick. "Hey Iz what do you think about Weird Al?

"Weird Al? I queried. "I think he's kinda lame myself but Rob has an extra ticket if you want to go", Nick tells me.

I had no plans so I jumped at the opportunity to see Weird Al in Orange County, CA. I didn't know he performed live. In fact I didn't know alot about Weird Al. I thought he vanished from the public conscious after he put on his fat suit and sang "Fat"- a spoof on Michael Jackson's "Bad".

I attended the concert and here is what I learned about Weird Al:

1- He is alive. I knew he did did Amish Paradise and White and Nerdy but I didn't know much since. Certaintly he couldn't have followers could he?

2- He has TONS of fans and they know his lyris! Do you know how baffled I was to see his fans responsd in anticipation to his performances? They knew his skits and lyrics.

3- His show is very entertaining. He sings, plays the accordion, and does jokes. In addition, he plays videos during the costume changes.

4-His fan base is diverse. I saw parents, kids, teens and every demographic was covered. expect old,black males).

5-He is very talented. I never thought that I would ever attend a weird Al concert and enjoy it as much as I did.

jokes 7-12-11

Rabbi Avraham Rabinowich, leader of the Bellmore Jewish Center, was busted with a hooker on the Sabbath when his wife secretly filmed him. This sounds like a bar joke: A Rabbi and a hooker meet on the Sabbath...
(Steamy video below. It's kosher)

The DEA ruled on Friday that marijuana has no “accepted medical use” and should therefore remain illegal. I want what they’re smoking.

Scientists have discovered a new strain of gonorrhea that is resistant to antibiotics. It’s being called the “Sarah Palin” because it just wont go away.

Morissey was attacked by a dog, beaking his finger in the process. Ironically, the dog was named "bigmouth". (Only Smiths fans will get this).

Rebecca Black will self release her new single "My Moment" next Monday, which comes before Friday. We so excited.

R Kelly is facing foreclosure on his $2.9 million mansion in Chicago. What a tragedy. The guy had it all and just pissed it all away.

I apologize to my readers. The punchline to this joke was hacked by Ruport Murdoch.

Jew got caught now Jews in trouble

village idiot

Yes Yes Y'all

clouddead apt.a

jokes 7-6-11

Casey Anthony was found not guilty of murdering her daughter. After the emotional verdict , police had to escort the jurors and their seeing eye dogs.

Roger Clemons perjury trial is set to begin Wednesday. Clemons has pettioned the court to move the trial to Orlando Florida where magic happens.

Vice President, Joe Biden has created a twitter account. It's @*#%!joe.

In Mexico, a 19 year old woman attempted to sneak her husband out of jail in a suitcase. The husband was returned to jail and is prohibitted from taking yoga.

Rick Springfield has pleaded not guilty to a DUI but was silent on whether he hooked up with Jessie's girl.

In California, lawmakers have passed a bill that would require public schools to teach gay history. The course will be named the history of the U.S of Haaay!

Flash Back Friday- The time I worked for an Indian boss

They say hindsight is 20/20. Haven't you ever looked back on certain life events and asked yourself, What the hell was I thinking?

Here is one such tale. About 6 years ago, I was doing mortgage loans. This was during the subprime frenzy when credit was cheap and home values were increasing at an incredible rate; just before the housing bubble collapsed.

I was sort of new to the industry and I ran with a crew of people that did loans. Here was the crew. Steve, a short, chubby, black dude from Watts that had more ups and downs than JJ from Good Times. He was always on chat lines with names like "Latinas seeking brothas". He was married. Eric, a suave, latin-lover type who was smooth with the ladies. David, my Korean friend who was high strung and VERY opinionated. In fact one time, he grilled an Asian girl on why she died her hair blonde? "She's a self hater!" David was the unofficial leader. Then there was me.

One day David tells us that there is an Indian guy named "Sam" that had a real estate business and he wanted to add a mortgage division-Hence the crew.

MEETING SAM
On the first day of our meeting. Sam decided to talk business by taking us out for breakfast. On the way to the deli his phone rings and he picks up. This is what we heard.

"Hello Sam How arrrr jah"
"Hello"
"a Gun!"
"What do you mean a gun. You mean a real gun?"
"Don't worry I take care of it."

Then he hung up and drove to our business "meeting" like nothing happened.

He was cheap. He wanted to pay us crap but we figured, we'd prove ourselves and then use our leverage to get our way. We didn't even have real desks. He put together plastic party tables- one on each side. Instant desks.

Word got to us that his wife had the deeper pockets and she therefore wanted to be super involved because she was paying us. Sam didn't really want her there but had to kiss her ass. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, he had recently been having an affair with another lady and was still seeing her. Her BMW would pass by the office. "There goes his mistress"

One day we enter our office and the place is a mess. It was as if a tornado had hit the place. It turns out that Sam used to sneak into our office and call his mistress. The day before the mess, he was sweet talking with the mistress when his wife walked in on him and tried to snag his phone to catch him in the act. The phone drops and they both struggle to get it like the hero and the villain try to get the out of reach gun on the floor.

Another tenant in the building who had a DJ wedding business casually told us, "
I walked into your office and Sam had his hands wrapped around his wife choking her on the floor."

Recently, I looked up Sam to see if he was still in the business and he is, although he has changed locations and perhaps lovers as well.