What you want to tell a cop when you get pulled over

Flashback Friday - The not so blind date at Chuck E. Cheese

Many moons ago, when I was in high school, I was partying in Los Angeles. A bunch of us cruised and followed one car to a party. The party consisted of a bunch of drunk Mexicans (myself included) drinking beers out in the street outside a house.

During my drunken haze, a girl turns to me and says,"here's my number"

Before you give me the pimp of the year award, let me be very blunt here:
She looked like a Big Mac with legs. She was nice but wasn't appearing in Allure Magazine any time soon.

I did the polite thing. I said, "sure" and put the # in my pocket as a courtesy.

I must also add that I have a very bad memory.

The next day I phone a female friend and I was inquiring about a girl that was drinking beer with us. "Who is that girl that was wearing the white shorts last night?" I ask my friend Rose.

"That's the girl that gave you her number!" Rose assures me.

Now here is how bad my memory is. She convinced me of what I saw! Instead of trusting my vision, I trusted my friend Rose. Maybe it was her I thought. In reality, it was the teenage hormones that wanted so bad to believe that fantasy. It was on!

We chatted on the phone for a couple of days, convinced that I was talking to "the girl in the shorts"

Her: "I wrote a song about you"
Me: "That's nice you sing?"
Her" "Yeah I sing Rancheras" (Mexican ballads)
Me: "Cool"

Several dsys later...

Her:" I was going to ride my bike to your house" How come you never make an effort to see me?
Me: " I don't have a car"
Her: " I was good to my ex boyfriend....I bought hime everything even underwear when he went to jail!
Me: "What was he in jail for? (curious but also kinda scared)
Her: "Let's not talk about him. Let's talk about us!

OK How many freaking red flags can you count? Exactly.

Next day...
Her: I can get a ride and meet you somewhere. Where should we meet?
Me: "There's a Chuck E. Cheese by my house!"

It was on!

THE BLIND/NOT REALLY DATE
I wait outside Chuck E. Cheese and I'm scoping all the women that I wish were her. In my fantasy, a model with a wet t-shirt blows a kiss at me and says, "Israel is that you?"
I wait.
I wait.
I wait.
No Show. I'm pissed.

I get home and my phone rings. "Im sorry Israel I promise I wont do this again. Please forgive me. I'll do anything. We re-set our date. Same location: Chuck E. Cheese.

I wait amd I look inside Chuck. E Cheese and I'm waiting to get waived in by my model. I wait and I'm getting pissed when I feel the floor shake like a Cali earthquake.

"Israel"
"yeah" (sweat)
"Want to go to the park across the street? (much more sweat)
"Here's the thing I didn't get permission to come here and...

THE SCENE OUTSIDE CHUCK E CHEESE
"What is it Israel!!! What is it!!! is it my fat ass?!!!!
"No it's not that its...."
"I feel stupid. I knew it was too good to be true. My friends tried to warn me that I was being dumb.
I tell her, " I can give you a ride. Let me get a car"

The thing is, I didn't have a car. I had to sneak out my parent's car.

I pick her up and start taking her home and I am sweating like shit. "What would you do if I tried to kiss you?" I don't know I bark at her letting her know that I wanted to be left alone.

It was an uncomfortable ride. As if things couldn't get worse, the car is running out of gas! I drop her off far from where she lives on a street corner. My car comes to a halt and I have no money. I had to call home.

" Mom I'm stuck at a gas station with your car." I explained that a girl was being abused and being the good Samaritan, she needed a ride and...

My parents weren't buying it. On the ride back home there was alot of tension and silence but this was the 2nd most uncomfortable ride that night.

jokes 4-25-11

An Oregon woman has created a life-size Barbie to help bring awareness to anorexia and other eating disorders. Not to be outdone, I’m creating a life sized male doll named "No Balls Ken" to bring awareness to steroid use.

Iranian lawmakers are proposing to outlaw the dog ownership. This answers the question: Who let the dogs out?

In England, a man was killed when a human canonball show went horribly wrong. Friends and family were conforted knowing he went out in a bang.

Non confirmed rumors are circulating out of Geneva Switzerland that the “God Particle” has been found. Actually, they found 3 particles but they’re really just one taking different forms. It’s hard to explain.

Charlie Sheen was dumped by his porn star girlfriend via text message. The message was preceded by cheesy jazz music.

In Afhanistan, 450 Taliban prisoners broke out of jail after someone dug a 1000 foot tunnel underneath the jail. This has inspired a new film: Shiite Redemption.

As a result of a probation violation, Lindsey Lohan has been court ordered to to do community service where she must serve 120 hours in a Los Angeles Morgue where she will be forced to see the grim reality of where her career is going.

Cosmic Consciousness in action

A funny thing happened this morning. I woke up, went to work, and did the same routine that many of us repeat each day. I saw my neighbor who is slowly losing his mind and he too has a routine. He wakes up, and goes walking to the park with his walker and he collects garbage and he takes it home as a prized possession. It's a sad sight to see him deteriorate mentally but nonetheless, watching him walk as I drive to Starbucks is part of my routine. He is in my universe.

I was in the parking lot at work and I was considering how I would end my blog. I thought about talking about cycles and comparing the birth of a blog to the birth of a star that ultimately has an end. I also considered having a "death" theme and perhaps having my last rite before I buried this blog.

I had started to feel bad about my lackluster postings and my lack of energy due to the lack of time and I even began to question what virtue there was in blogging and... you know the drill. I felt bad that I had so many followers and so few comments. So I assumed that no one was paying attention to this blog. I browsed other blogs that managed to maintain their edge and I felt that my lack of partipation in the blogging world had finally caught up with me. I dodn't want my blog to suck so I was considering a virtual euthanasia.

Then I got a comment from Shady Dell Knight who has me as his guest blogger. I gave my music selections that have influenced me. Shady has a great blog that is very informative and super cool. I recommend it highly. You can see it here:

http://www.shadydell.blogspot.com/ .

His presentation of my music selections was awesome. He had the video with super cool graphics and I got to hear other bloggers comment about how grateful they were to learn of new music. (New to them)

Shady was very generous in his praise of my blog that it gave me that push to keep going. I remember once Kelley from http://www.kelleysbreakroom.com/ had mentioned that she wanted to quit blogging and I gave her a lashing (not physically) because I think she has such an original and witty point of view. I think that I told her that each blogger is like a different spice in a virtual soup and that she was needed to keep the soup delicious.

I thought about the advice I gave her and wondered if perhaps I add something to the soup and then I started thinking beyond the blogging community and realized that we are all inter-related in a cosmic chain of creative energy. The creativity is "out there". We are all creative beings. That is our nature. (Thank you Julia Cameron author of The Artist Way)

I have been lagging but I will make a conscious effort to keep creating. I choose to focus on the positive. I hope you choose to still follow me on this journey.

How to defend yourself from a bear

Chris Angel who? Check out the magic of Armando (nephew)

It's Sunday got to go to church on Sunday

jokes 4-14-11

At an Olive Garden in Florida, a two year old toddler was accidently served Sangria instead of orange juice. It's a sad day in America when you go from taking your first steps to needing 12 steps.

Congress has approved a budget deal that attempts to cut spending by 38 billion or slightly less than what's been served at Mc Donald's.

19 year old, Ashley Kauffman was removed from the front row of American Idol for being too fat. The forklift company has no comment.

Paul McDonald was voted off American Idol. He will go back to his farm where his dog Bingo awaits him. That's B-I-N-G-O.

During Obama’s speech, Vice President Joe Biden was caught falling asleep. The response to this was immediate: A job offer to be the next Air Traffic Controller.

Taylor Swift purchased a home for her parents in Tennessee. But not before Kanye West interrupted the escrow signing.

Susan Lucci's soap opera is coming to an end but ABC will give her a leading role in her new Soap: "All My Grandchildren."

Facebook is a clock sucker

Flashback Friday one day early- The day I punked a racist hipster

Let me preface this story with a disclaimer: I do not condone arbitrary violence. (But douches should be flushed out)

A few year back I was going out with a Filipina girl. Honestly, I don't recall her name, That's how serious it was. She was nice but dumb. Dealing with her sober was painful and depressing. I tried joking with her but found out quickly that any references to politics or current events was a waste of time. To combat this problem, I would drink something when we went out.

Once, we were in Los Angeles, in Echo Park. There was a bar near the corner that looked like I'd be a Bukowski old hang out. It was dark and kinda dirty. There were real drunks inside. Most weren't drinking to be social. They were drinking to lose themselves. However sprinkled in the crowd among the disenfranchised were several hipsters.

We sat at the booth and and we began to drink. We probably said 10 words in 1 hour. I'm feeling better after the beer. Spanish music was being played in the juke box and the drunks are just pounding the beers away. My date goes to the bathroom.

"Why do they always have to play this Spanish shit", I hear a voice behind the booth.
A girl mumbles something but I can't decipher what she says.

The guy keeps getting increasingly louder and his girl keeps telling him to relax.

"Hey wanna play throw a peanut at a random Mexican?" the douchebag asks his date.
"Don't be stupid"

Then I see a peanut fly across the room and it hits a guy on his back. He doesn't notice. Now I'm curious who this a-hole is. I turn around quickly and it I see a hipster couple. The guy is skinny and has a white Tshirt and his hair is messy and his girl looks like she's on heroin.

He tells his date, "The Mexicans they only act tough. they wont do shit."

I turn my back to him and I pray to God:
Lord Please let this douchebag hit me with a peanut.

I wait.
and wait.
and...

A FUCKIN' PEANUT HITS ME ON THE SHOULDER!

I leap from my booth and I get 1 inch from his face place both of my fists on his table.

He screamed like a little girl in a real high pitch "aaaaaaaaaah"

"I heard that bullshit you've been saying. We're going to play a different game. Send you to the hospital."

Security comes and we are asked to leave. My date has no idea what has happened because she was in the bathroom when the incident occured.

The truth is I wasn't even angry. Nor was I even planning to harm him. But I did want him to learn an important lesson: People may call you ou on your bullshit and Los Angeles is a crazy town with crazier people.

Today’s Comedy Motif- The element of surprise in a punch line.

There is a saying in stand-up comedy that you can’t have a joke without a surprise. While this is generally true, any attempts to quantify humor into predictable formulas, renders the joke stale and predictable. That is what makes humor so fascinating to me. Humor like pornography is hard to define yet easy to recognize. This reminds me of the famous quote by US Supreme Court Justice, Potter Stewart , who said of pornography, “I know it when I see it.” One technique that stand up comedians use to create humor is the “punch line”

Have you ever really asked what a punch line is? It’s the yang to the ying of joke formation. It’s the Robin to Batman. The punch line is the partner to the premise. The premise of the joke sets the expectation but is usually not the “funny part”. The funny part is reserved for the punch line. At its core the punch line creates a surprise and it is this surprise that the audience finds funny. If you examine the punch line carefully, it does several things, it offers a “twist” and the twist allows for a re-interpretation of the event aka the joke. Greg Dean, in his book, Step by Step Stand Up Comedy explains this clearly. The punch line explains what happens. The audience member gets the “aha” or “Eureka moment” and after the enlightenment, humor is found.

Emo Phillips is the master of this type of punch line. Notice how at the end of the punch line, he offers a reinterpretation to the story/joke. If you can get over his weird voice and you just study the way he constructs the joke, you will see that he is a comedic architect that was far ahead of his time. It is not surprising that he is revered and is a great influence on today’s comedians. Rather than trying to decipher my mumbled thoughts, it’s best if you can see an example in motion. I bring you Emo Phillips.

Emo Phillips

Jokes 4-4-11

This Sunday 38 years ago the first cell phone call was made by Martin Cooper. He is still waiting for customer service to answer.

I think the nuclear radiation from Japan is affecting the United State's food supply. Sushi shouldn't glow in the dark right?

Comedy legend Eddie Murphy turned fifty. He celebrated by blowing candles- That's the tranny's nickname.

Inspectors found more cracks inside two Southwest Airlines. Security immediately ordered the teens to pull up their pants.

The Charlie Sheen tour was such a huge bomb that he is being deployed to Libya.

According to a recent study, 1 in 5 U.S women have kids who have different birth fathers. In related news, there is a year long waiting list to appear on the Maury Povich Show.

Lyrics to Don't Change

"Don't Change"

I'm standing here on the ground
The sky above won't fall down
See no evil in all direction
Resolution of happiness
Things have been dark
For too long

Don't change for you
Don't change a thing for me

I found a love I had lost
It was gone for too long
Hear no evil in all directions
Execution of bitterness
Message received loud and clear

Don't change for you
Don't change a thing for me

I'm standing here on the ground
The sky above won't fall down
See no evil in all directions
Resolution of happiness
Things have been dark for too long

Don't change for you
Don't change a thing for me

Don't Change