Thursday, August 25, 2011
A 4.9 earthquake has hit the east coast. In California, we call that an appetizer.
A new game is sweeping Libya: Where's Gaddafi.
A Kentucky jury has ruled for a doctor in a penis amputation suit. They said that the evidence did not stand up in court and the lawyers did not rise to the occasion.
2 birds have tested positive for the West Nile Virus in Wisconsin. Now you know the origin of Angry Birds.
The Oxygen Chanel plans to cancel "The World According to Paris". I'm not holding my breath.
Sean Loftis, a Florida substitute teacher , was fired after the school discovered he did gay porn. That's messed up. I'm not sure who is more anal.
A woman in Alaska has been found guilty of "hot saucing" her son. The judge was enraged that the mom did not use "mild".
The Washington monument top was cracked by the recent earthquake. The last time any crack plagued Washington, Marion Barry was mayor.
A woman sued Match.com after she was was sexually assaulted by a man she met on the dating site. Match.com will not release the perpetrator's real identity, only his screen name: Nomeansyesman2000.
Nancy Reagan fell at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in California only to be caught by Marco Rubio. She said she was grateful for the swift and decisive action of that waiter.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
A British man was killed in a shark attack while honeymooning near Dennis Island. His widow said she expected to get his half but not like this.
In Virginia, a "brain eating amoeba" has claimed a 9 year old victim. Authorities are warning people to avoid areas where it is found including: fresh water lakes, ponds, and tea party rallies.
U.S stocks tumbled amid fears of a global recession. It's a volatile world after wall.
TLC has cancelled Kat Von D's "La Ink" for being in the red ink.
Scientists now believe that the moon is much younger than believed by 20 million years. At night when you look at the moon, Remember, those aren't craters, they're zits.
According to the CDC, 1 in 10 children have been diagnosed with ADHD. The other 90% are focused enough to resist Ritalin.
After aggressive questioning on "Piers Morgan Tonight", Christine O' Donnell left the show midway. She vanished like a true witch.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
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Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I have two new friends. They are spiders. Every night they weave their webs and I greet them. They just stay silent but I know they got my back.
The first spider is huge and creates a huge spider web but it created it away from the light. Since he is huge, I can see with greater clarity the web making technique. It's awesome. First it creates the perimeter and then it stitches the web together with awesome technique cuz he is 1/2 spider 1/2 bad ass!
The second spider is a pimp! This pimp knows he can't overpower his prey so what does it do? It puts on his pimp hat and relies on technique and location. He sets up his tiny web near the light in an ideal location. He doesn't even have to spit game, he just waits and they fall in. The other night I was captivated by a drama that unfolded in front of me.
A green bug landed on the web and but it was still able to move. It was much bigger than the spider. It shook violently, trying to escape the death grip of the web. It shook over and over again and this alerted the pimp. The itsy bitsy spider came out and was like, " yo this is a buffet!". The tiny spider came out cautiously since it was smaller and had to be careful. It spun more web and this caused the bug to shake even more. "Come on bug I'm rooting for you!" I thought. The tiny spider gave me that look like, "where is your loyalty?". I watched the battle unfold and it was a work of art. The tiny spider came out then retreated and hit him with more web and still the bug flapped and flapped.
As the bug flapped and flapped, it still reminded where it was at. No mater how much it moved, it remained where it was stuck. I thought of my job and I was able to have empathy for the bug. I stared at the battle for over 1/2 an hour. Then I began to wonder how crazy I must look to my neighbors - a grown man staring at the front door for a long time. Who knows, I may be asked to join the cult across the street.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Charla Nash, the lady that got her face mauled by a chimp released pictures of her new face transplant. This is exciting news to the chimp who has been waiting for dessert.
At the Aspen Institute, Al Gore cursed and delivered an angry rant against critics of global warming.He was so angry that even Biden said, "this fucker's good."
Facebook has been linked to poor mental health in teens. Teens refuse to acknowledge this by putting up walls.
The Dow Jones Industrial Average gained over 400 points today. It is rebounding faster than Jennifer Lopez.
In order for America to get it's AAA rating back, it needs to create jobs, cut spending, or hire a stutterer at Standard and Poor's.
Things have gone from bad to worse for Tiger Woods. First he fires his caddie,then Swiss Watchmaker Tag Heuer drops him as a sponsor and replaces him with Flavor Flav.
Sesame Street released an official statement saying that Bert and Ernie are not gay. Big Bird on the other hand...
TBS has decided to cancel Lopez Tonight. He should feel accomplished. After all he's bean there done that.
Kanye West fell down during a performance in Norway fueling my belief in God.
The first vampire bite death in the U.S was reported. The victim tried hard to avoid it but it was all in vein.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Marvel has revealed a new "Spiderman" that is half Black and half Hispanic. He can still climb buildings but now he leaves behind graffiti. (Racist? I'd say so)
A Swedish man was caught trying to split atoms at home. Neighbors describe him as quiet but explosive.
In Plaistow, New Hampshire, a remorseful thief returned a woman's wallet to her in person, along with an apology letter. Congress did you hear that?
Police academy actor and NFL star Bubba Smith died at 66. The wrong "Bubba" has died. Why couldn't it be the one that rapes cellmates in prison.
Rep. Davd Wu signaled that he would resign from Congress over a sex scandal involving an unwanted sexual encounter with an 18 year old girl. It sounds like the Wutang got caught up with the putang.
As a result of weak economic numbers, the Dow Jones plummeted 400 points. There hasn't been this many points dropped since Kirstie Alley joined Weight Watchers.
A Chinese agency has downgraded the U.S from A+ to A. Not to worry, the U.S working on several extra credit assignments.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are broke and living with Spender's parents. They're making a movie about this called "The Hills have eyes and those eyes have tears."
A 29 year old female was arrested for prostitution as she worked at Dunkin' Donuts. "Johns" would use the code word "extra sugar" and she would go into the parking lot. I'll never look at doughnut holes the same way.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
I'm back in L.A County and across the street from me is a cult. They have been there forever and I AM SO FASCINATED BY THEM. They used to congregate in the front lawn and they would clap NONSTOP for like 20 minutes. I'm not kidding. It was weird but this is L.A so weird is relative. Then the stopping clapped and all members would just meet inside the house. The cult leader and his son are very nice, although they rarely interact with anyone else outside the cult.
You may ask, how do you know they are a cult? Ah my dear Watson, it's elementary. You see when I was in college I met a girl named Justine that upon hearing where I lived said, "You know there's a cult on your block?"
"yeah I know"
"I used to attend"
"Really what happened!?"
"My dad took me there but then I refused to go and he disowned me. He said if I rejected God, he would not talk to me."
Wow my fascination with the neighbor across the street only grew. Then my sister related to me that her good friend, Erica, had an aunt that stopped talking to her family once she attended the cult.
THE LICENSE PLATES
Here is another thing that is intriguing about the group. ALL members have one of the following slogans surrounding their license plate:
NO AGENDA BUT GOD'S
HEAVENS FOR THE FEW WHO STRIVE
They take up a lot of parking and I know who is a cult member by the license plate but if you think that is bizarre, let me tell you about ....
THE LATE NIGHT SLEEP OVERS
Almost every night (between Midnight -2:00AM) they have sleep overs. Families, including children come out of their cars and they flock to the house. Sometimes they have bags of food, sleeping bags, or ice chest and they knock and they are let in and then they disappear. I always peek and try to see what goes on behind their doors. Before the type of people that would be members were hippie types with mullets but today's members look more mainstream. Scary.
The other morning, I saw a flock of devotees pour out of the house by the dozen. It looked like the entrance to a rock concert. Whenever they arrive at night , I peek because I want to know so bad what the hell happens across the way. My devoted readers, I promise to provide you with footage of the cult members descending to their shrine.
I want to know from my fellow bloggers, what do you think happens at the house late at night?