Monday, March 28, 2011
I went to Las Vegas this weekend and I just got back and I'm tired. In fact, I've been very tired these last few weeks as I started my new job and I have to commute a long distance and time. This is the reason that I haven't been updating this blog as often. I want to but my mind and body is weary. But now on with the story.
I had a chance to see the great comedian Stven Wright in Las Vegas. He performed at the Orleans and the show was amazing. He mainly did alot of his material from his second album but he added new material and he still has it. He killed.
The crowd was mainly older,white people. I'm not kidding you. I think that my girlfriend and I were the only brown people there. I wanted to take video and pics of the show but it was forbidden.
We stayed at Excaliber and I almost had a panic attack as I forgot to bring my supplements and it was crowded with young people who may have been here on Spring break. There were tons of douche bags and wanna be Jersey Shore types. I kept my head low and tried to avoid bumping in to people.
Did you ever hear that song by R. Kelley called bump and grind? Well there is a line in that song that says, "my mind is telling me no, but my body is telling me yes..." Well in Vegas, I had a Kelley Reversal. My mind was saying Yes. Yes I'm going to party. Yes I'm going to gamble. Yes I'm going to party like a rock star. But my body was telling me hell no!
I didn't even drink that much and I got drunk or tired but whatever you call it, it equaled the same thing, an early trip to the hotel. I gazed in amazement at the swarm of young people with energy, enthusiasm, and hope. I thought, I remember when I had stammina. I was freaking tired and so was my girlfriend so we got excited at the prospect of getting a good night sleep. Time for a taxi.
THE TAXI DRIVE
I raise my hand for a cab and got picked up outside the Orleans.
"Yeah what's up guys. I got to tell you. I almost got caught off. You know there are alot of Somalians. Around here they do whatever it takes to earn a buck. I tell you. I was in Somalia when I was in the millitary and I saw a Somalian man beat up an old lady to take her food. Can you imagine that. If it happened here?"
The topics ranged from the Los Angeles Dodgers, why powerful and rich people are heartless, Feudalism, and Obama. Oh yeah he ended the ride by urging me to "look up the word fascism."
I got to the room and knocked out.
The next day we went to downtown Vegas where it is more laid back and we gambled at The Stratosphere. I played the horses and my strategy was to bet on the long shots because, I figured, all it takes is one to come through and I'd be up! I'm keeping my day job. I lost playing horses and Video Poker. I also watched the college games and was amused at the smack talk that the betters made with each other.
Another guy kept bursting out, "Black and Yellow Black and Yellow". I think he was into bees.
I didn't lose that much and had a great, relaxing, time. I ate like a beast:
NY Style Pizza, Thai Food, Mc Donalds, and TGI Fridays.
My diet will resume tomorrow.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
As you may have heard, Elizabeth Taylor has died at 79. Her legacy in Hollywood is cemented. Here is the thing that bothers me. Prior to her death, she was mainly the brunt of marriage/divorce jokes. In addition, she was also mocked for supporting Michael Jackson amid the molestation charges.
Rarely did anyone even bring up her name. Now that she has died, celebrities old and young are publicly declaring their admiration for her. They showed a young actress on t.v saying that Taylor was a fashion icon.I would bet you that that actress has never ever seen one of her films.
When people die, they suddeny become angelic.
I'm all for paying respect to the dearly departed if you were close to him/her when
they were alive and you actually knew that person. But I hate seeing people act so p.c and saying what they are supposed to say for the sake of p.r.
Michael Jackson,the true king of pop, was also a laughing stock. Remember Wacko Jacko? Once he dies, the molestation jokes go away and the somber commentaries return praising his musical contributions and his humanitarian work. His Music sales also sky rocket. The phoniness is too much to handle.
The moral of the story? Don't wait for someone to die before you praise them. Also if a person was an a-hole when they lived, it's o.k to say say he/she was an a-hole dead.
Keep it real.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
If there is one thing that amuses me, it's the bluntness of Asians. In as few syllables as possible, Asians will tell you what's on their mind and they won't hold back especially when it comes to telling you about your weight.
Years ago I ran into an older,Asian man that I had worked with but it had been a few years since we had seen each other.
"Hey it's me Israel"
The old man squinted because he didn't recognise me and when he finally did he let me know how much I had changed.
"You face got like this." (He then puffs his cheeks and gestures with his hand putting one hand on each side of the cheek to simulate a fat face)
"Nice seeing you too" I said as I walked away feeling swollen.
On another occasion I had a blind date with an Asian lady and when I met her, her first words out of her mouth were:
"YOU FIAT" Asian Translation: You're fat
Well yesterday I went to my favorite Thai restaurant in Anaheim. I'm loyal to them and they love me because I was one of their first customers. Their restaurant is family run. The chef is a young Thai guy and his sister helps him by waiting tables.
I always greet them loudly when I walk in
"Chef Boyardee! Chef Boyardee"
"Oh Hi the older sister tells me.
She turns to the younger sister and tells her her, "Remember him when he was big!"
The younger sister chimes in, "Yeah you so much smaller now"
I tried to downplay my lost weight. "I didn't lose that much."
The older sister disagrees. "NO befo' you much bigger you stomach was over here"
She then extends her hand just under her stomach.
The younger sister asks me for tips on how to lose weight.
"Jump rope. Run up and down stairs and hop on and off the block."
I then simulate like I was jump roping and jumping on and off a block.
They laugh at my goofiness.
"See you next time Chef Boyardee"
Monday, March 21, 2011
A massive new oil slick was spotted in the Gulf of Mexico. Upon closer inspection, they discovered it was Snooki scuba diving.
Apple is under fire for approving an app. that purports to cure homosexuality. Steve Jobs has said that the controversy surrounding this is a pain in the ass.
According to Newsweek, of 1000 U.S citizens that took the official citizenship test, 38% of them failed. Oh and by the way, Benjamin Franklin DID NOT invent 100 dollar bills.
Anthony Robles, the one-legged Arizona State wrestler won the NCAA championship this Saturday. Afterwards he went to his favorite restaurant: IHOP.
I'm all for the no fly zone because I hate it when I'm eating and they land on my food.
A Texas man received the first, full face transplant. Now his friends and family don't trust him. He's two faced.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
The fear of getting radiation resulting from the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear plant has been largely exaggerated according to the Japanese scientist with 3 mouths.
Tiger Woods recently said that he is getting his life back on course. Now if only his ball would follow.
The USTA is calling on airlines to allow the first bag to be checked for free. The second bag? You married her, you pay!
In February, the wholesale price of food experienced the biggest jump in 37 years. This is bad news for obese people who haven’t a jump of any kind in years.
West Coast Hip Hop legend Nate Dogg died this week. He leaves behind G funk and marijuana smoke.
Japan received from Sandra Bullock $1 million dollars or as it was previously known, Jesse Jame’s allowance.
The CDC is reporting that an organ recipient from a city hospital contracted H.I.V from a kidney donor. That has got to be the worse “ I have good news and bad news” speech from a doctor.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
In an age obsessed with pop culture and instant gratification and with everyone attached to some social medium like the internet,Facebook,Twitter, and Youtube with instant access to information, hype is replacing substance.
How else can you explain the "fame" of someone like Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton both who rose to prominence after making a porno. Hype was the momentum that fed the machine that propelled them to stardom.
This brings me to Charlie Sheen. Now, I'm not putting him in the same league as those bimbos. I do think he's a decent actor and an entertaining guy who single handedly carried 2 1/2 men (The show. Hes'not that strong). But his recent drug use and antics have moved him into the American conscioussness.
The glutonous,American culture is waiting with wide eyes for the next train wreck to happen. We watch the tight rope act as it happens in real time wondering, hoping that he falls from sanity to psychosis. With each trembling step our mouths get wider and they salivate. We don't know why, but we keep watching.
This phenomena was made clear in a subtle but powerful way. As most of us know, Sheen has been acting nutty after snorting who knows what. He bad mouths his producer and gets fired. But the circus didn't end there. He hit the interview circuit and in the middle of his madness, he coined the most memorable line of 2011: "WINNING" He did a radio show and he bad mouthed his guests. The hype around his antics kept getting bigger until everyone was talking about him.
As a result of the hype, he decided to do a live show in Detroit. Tickets sold out in minutes. "WINNING".
THE EPIPHANY CONCERNING HYPE
They interviewed several of the people that waited in line for hours to get ticket to his live show. One middle aged man said, "WINNING" (not kidding) and added that he wanted to see the train wreck but, "I don't want to see him hurt himself." HUH?
Another middle aged woman said, "I'm not even a Charlie Sheen fan. I just want to be able to say that I saw Charlie Sheen. In a nutshell, that is the power of hype.
As a result of the Japanese earthquake, the Earth's day lenght was shortened. This wont be the last time the words "Japanese" "Lenght" and "shortened" will be used in a sentence.(so I've heard.)
Aflac has dumped Gilbert Gottfried, the voice of the insurer's quacking duck, after he posted tastless jokes about the Tsunami via twitter. He apologized explaining he wasn't trying to ruffle any feathers.
Fox News has hired former Democratic Senator Evan Bayh as a contributor to the network. Proving Dick Cheney's contention that water boarding is effective.
At the box office "Battle Los Angeles" is kicking ass while "Mars Needs Moms" bombed. Viewers said seeing aliens in Mars was unrealistic while thousands of aliens actually live in Los Angeles.
A Disney worker had died as a result of injuries he sustained while repairing a ride. At this point, the exact details are unknown. What we do know is Goofy is nowhere to be found.
I normally have more but I'm tired as hell. Good night!
Saturday, March 12, 2011
De La Soul is well respected in the Hip Hop community because of their breaking music that they created. Their First Album Three Feet High and Rising is a bonafide classic! It was produced by Prince Paul and it contains nuggets of wonderfullness. This album was unique in several ways. The producer sampled from so many genres including rock and roll, jazz, blues, and even school house rock.
While the album sampled from many of the musical greats, the art was also in what sampled were used and how they were mashed up and mixed. This album was done before the era of copyright attorneys that were suing because a baseline was borrowed. The end result is a a true masterpiece.
De La Soul was so ahead of their time, lyrically and musically. They were talking about peace and love and unity and music and they did it in a suggestive manner. Oftentimes their lyrics were like riddles. I can only liken it to a monet painting that suggested the imagery with paint instead of producing ultra detailed imagery. That they didn't sound like everyone, I think, alienated them from many hip hop "purists" who saw them as too alternative to be considered real hip hop. They didn't grow up in "the hood" or in dire poverty and they didn't pretend to either. They were just some young men from the New York burbs that had a gift for music and creativity.
They had a huge influence on people like A Tribe Called Quest, Jungle Brothers, Digable Planets and so many more. It has taken 20 years from the masses to finally recognize how talented and original this group was. I know that many people refuse to listen to rap but I urge you, if you are a fan of music; of art, to listen to De La Soul and I believe that you will be pleasantly surpised. I promise you this: It wont sound like anything that is played on the radio today. This is a good thing.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
According to biologists in California, the great white shark population is lower than expected. They are blaming the brown sharks who enter the sea illegally and eat the fish that the white sharks refuse to eat.
Scientists are scanning Stonehenge with laser to discover how it was created. Perhaps they should scan when it's soberhenge. (I know real silly)
Charlie Sheen is suing Warner Brothers for $100 million but is willing to settle for 3 kilos of cocaine.
The maker of Angry Birds has raised $42 million from investors. He celebrated this success by demolishing his apartment building.
Rep. Peter King has launched a controversial hearing to investigate the radicalization of American muslims in America. If you think these hearings are explosive...
After much speculation that Cap N Crunch was retiring, it turns out he’s staying put but wont sail Somalia.
Ashley Olsen and Justin Bartha broke up. This whole time, he thought she was Mary Kate.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
I have been meaning to write a piece on the various tools that comedians use to create humor. Contrary to popular belief, comedy is very difficult and has it's own language and motiiffs that the great comedians use. Today I will touch on the use of logic to create humor.
I will not get very technical here and describe the nuances of deductive and inductive reasoning. I will simplify things for the sake of brevity and enjoyment. Suffice to say that for practical purposes, much of our conclusions about every day things start out as logical problems. If X then Y. X then Y. Or valid logic can be shortened and still remain valid. If X then Y then Z. Therefore if X then Z. Let's use an example. If I eat alot (X), I will get huge (y) then I won't be able to run. (z). Therefore If I eat alot, I wont be able to run.
The thing that logic does is it allows us to anticipate what a given outcome is going to be and our brain is expecting a certain answer to the "If/then" analysis. The comedian can then use logic for comedic relief. Let me show you how.
USING FLAWED LOGIC
Here, the reasoning is either wrong or far fetched. Let me give you an example. The great Mitch Hedgberg was a genius in employing this technique. This is his joke:
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout Aids test. I ask my friend Brian,"Do you know anyone who has AIDS. He says no. I say Cool Cuz you know me." The humor lies in the fact that his reasoning is flawed.
Stven Wright is also a master of this technique. He does is with a twist. He states facts that contradict themselves by definition. His joke: "Im writing an unathorized auto-biography." The humor lies in the innate contradiction of the term. It can't be unauthorized if he wrote it!
EXTENDING LITERAL PREMISES TO A FLAWED CONCLUSION
Sometimes the humor is in being too literal and drawing a false conclusion based on that as in the joke by Jay London who said, " my whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures, we can't say cheese."
I hope this posting did not bore you guys. I wanted you to notice and appreciate the use of logic and how it can be applied to comedy. It's late so logically, I'm going to bed.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Johnny Depp has taken a movie role involving a talking chameleon named Rango. In response, a lawsuit has been filed by Geico Insurance.
After losing their 4th game in a row, the Miami Heat coach took his team out to see a movie they could relate to: The Crying Game.
As a result of possible salmonella contamination, Skippy Peanut Butter is being recalled in 16 states, before it spreads.
Afghan President Karzai has rejected the apology of the American general after it accidently killed 9 civilains in a millitary campaign. He was especially incensed by the phrase: "Shit happens, my bad."
Footage of the surveillance video that showed Lindsey Lohan shoplifting a $2500 necklace has been sold for $35,000. A second surveilance video was also sold that showed Lindsey Lohan trying to also steal that $35,000.
The Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao said he has a plan to eradicate poverty by 2020. It wil be based on North Korea's model of feeding its people bullshit.
Road workers in China discovered a 700 year old mummy. Also found was a hand written note it read: I'd like to take you out some day. Sincerely, Larry King.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
I want to thank Lil Pixie from It's a Lollipop World. If you haven't checked out her blog, you should. She is super funny, witty, and very real. So make sure you make a pit stop at her blog (Pixie the check better be in the mail) http://alollipopworld.blogspot.com/
The rules are as follows......
* Copy and paste this award to your blog
* Thank and link to the person that tagged you with it.
* List 7 facts about yourself
* Give the award to 5 other bloggers and tell them they have
1- I drink coffee everyday from Starbucks. "Grande Drip please".
2- I used to play the trumpet and was in band.
3- My favorite food is Lebanese Food, especially chicken kebab with hummus.
4- Listening to Smashing Pumpinks and OMD depresses me.
5- My favorite band is the Pixies and I saw them twice. The last time in Hollywood.
6- I used to be friends with WillIAM from Blackeyed Peas. He used to live in East L.A and we were neighbors.
7- I'm fascinated by what my body produces, especially hair. I have a strange habit of taking a shower and removing hair and placing it in the shower walls while I stare in awe.
I love you all but I can only choose 5 in no order:
1- Yvonne from Writing My Life Away (http://yvonne-writingmylifeaway.blogspot.com/)
2-Quincy from ThankQ For Common Sense (http://thankq4commonsense.blogspot.com/)
3-Autumn from http://autumnforestghosthunter.blogspot.com/
4- Morgan from http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/
5-Pamo from http://pamoblog.blogspot.com/
Christina Aguilera and her boyfriend were arrested for drunkenness in West Hollywood. She went from being a genie in a bottle to genie abusing the bottle.
Punchline #2- Apparently what a girl wants is a d.u.i
Karina Smirnoff is scheduled to appear on "Dancing with the Stars". What a Country! Oh wait wrong Smirnoff. They're both intoxicating.
San Antonio Spur's Tony Parker will be out 2-4 weeks because of a calf strain, In a bizzare coincidence, for the last 3 months, Eva Longoria has been taking sniper classes.
What do you get when you mix cocaine with hookers, orgies and wild ramblings? I don't know but Charlie Sheen does.
Federal Reserve Chairman, Ben Bernankle has warned that a rise in oil prices is a threat to the U.S economy. He's offered a practical solution to end the demand for oil: Cancel Jersey Shore.
Consumer Reports named Ford Motor the most improved carmaker. It also named Toyota "the best alternative to Russian Roulette."
Christian Dior has fired designer John Galliano after an online video showed him praising Adolph Hitler. They will also halt production of their Greedy Jew Spring wear.
Safeway is recalling salad that it sold in 12 states. So if you bought some, it's time to toss the salad. Let me re-phrase that.