Monday, January 31, 2011
Here is my third Caption contest. The funniest caption wins a used book and other goodies. Belle from Tales from a loser was my last winner and she can attest that I do pay up. It will take forever, but you will get the prize if you win. Winners need to provide an address to receive the gift. Good Luck!
Normally my jokes revolve around entertainment news, current events, or politics. Today I decided to do some of my one liner jokes that are just silly. Enjoy!
If a male smurf is on a date and doesn't get any, what color will his balls turn? Dark Blue?
Whenever I want to feel intelligent and decisive I shop at Smart and Final.
Head and Shoulders is either a shampoo or dinner among cannibals.
People used to stare at me in the street for talking to myself so I bought a blue tooth. Now they think I'm popular.
I met a Japanese Girl named Sudoku. I don't trust her. Things just don't add up.
The market chain "Lucky" went bankrupt. They are thinking of opening up under a new name, "Irony".
I'm allergic to allergies. If I start sneezing, I know I'm having a dream.
There is racism in the coffee world. Think about it. The beans are always Guatemalan,Columbian, or African. The creamers are always European: French Vanilla, Dutch Caramel, Irish Cream.
I think that the owner of Starbucks got its name from staring into the nightly skies thinking about dollars. If he was in Mexico it may have been called Estrella Peso.
I promised my girl the world. I bought her a globe. Now she has the whole world in her hands.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
I never used to have a strong opinion on Bono from U2 until I noticed something that got me irritated. Let me preface that last statement by saying that I do think U2 is a talented band and he is a great singer. I think I liked him when his hair was long and he was screaming, "Sunday Bloody Sunday" or "Gloria". I get it, the dude has been around and is proficient. I had never really thought about Bono but then he decided to invade my living room. You bet I'll explain.
I was watching an awesome documentary about the influence of the Pixies called Gauge where they talk about the contribution and influence that the Pixies have had in the music world. They interview several musicians such as Radio Head and David Bowie and they all had something profound to say about the Pixies. Then BIGHEAD SHORT MAN BONO comes out! WTF! I did not invite him into my living room. I thought this was an isolated incident.
On another occasion I was watching another documentary about Joy Division. I love this group as well and who decided to crash my living room? The Irish Troll. Go Away! I don't want to hear from the Lucky Charm spokesperson. I want to hear Joy Division.
But the straw that broke the camel's back has to be the Charles Bukowski documentary. I love this documentary also. It features behind the scenes footage of Charles in Los Angeles and they interview people that knew him and they all provide insightful tales of his drunken ways. They even interviewed a guy that told a funny story about how how Bukowski's poem influenced him in dealing with a girl he was dating at the time. I was amused. And then who decides to show up on my television set? You got it BIG HEAD SHORT MAN BONO!!!
I had it!
First of all what credibility does he have talking about Bukowski's poetry? Second of all, how does his opinion add anything to an already awesome documentary. But here is the clincher, BONO DECIDES TO READ ONE OF HIS POEMS. The irony is glaring. Here is a famous and rich dude reciting a poem about the down trodden and the tired. Watching this almost made me want to become an alcoholic.
If you see Bono on the street tell him to stop invading people's households. Tell him to stick to singing "with or without you" until his vocal chords bust.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
My man at Thank,Q for Common Sense (http://thankq4commonsense.blogspot.com/) included me in his survey and I in turn will pass this to 4 other bloggers. I have chosen Belle from Tales of a Loser, Yvonne from Writing my Life Away, Morgan from The Adorkable Ditz, and Shady Del Knight from http://shadydell.blogspot.com/. Participation is voluntary but I'm taking part because I'l always a party pooper when it comes to activities on blogland. I have yet to post some awards I've received. See!. Here are the Questions:
1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?
I don't have pets. I'm not including bed bugs. They came but were uninvited. Besides, I don't take them out for walks
2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
To not be socially ackward around strangers.
3. What is the one thing most hated by you?
I can't stand two faced people, unless they are conjoined twins then it's not their fault.
4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Invest in a cleaning detergent that kills the .1 of the germs that the other detergents never kill.
5. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
Seeing the humor in tragedy.
6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
7. What is your bedtime routine?
LOL if only you knew. It's neurotic. First, when I get home I start by reading a blog about the killings that are happening in Mexico because of the drug cartels. Then I'll watch t.v and keep up with sports and MMA fighters. Then I surf the internet while listening to Pandora. Before bedtime I'll drink green tea and take a shot of raw garlic.
8. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?
I met her at a bar. I drew a picture of the star of David on a napkin and told her that was my name. Get It? My name is Israel and the nation of Israel uses the star of David? I was drunk but it made her laugh. Later I spilled beer and I apologised. BTW this story is 100 true.
9. If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?
Mitch Hedgberg brainstorming his jokes.
10. What kinds of books do you read?
11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?
Using my eyes. That question was poorly worded.
12. What’s your fear?
It used to be that I would need to get institutionalized in a mental health facility. Now my fear is that I would get an anxiety attack that would kill me.
13. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?
I don't eat that much junk food but I would love to visit space.
14. Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?
Give me the cash!
15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
I grunt and tell myself that I wish I could sleep some more. It's always painful.
16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?
17. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
Mickhail named after two chess players. Mickhail Tal and Mickhail Botvinnik
18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
Memories are forever.
19. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?
Beef Lula or Chicken Kebab with hummous. I swear I was an Arab in my past life.
Pass these questions along!
Friday, January 28, 2011
I used to be a regular poker player at Commerce Casino in Los Angeles. I love this casino because I know many of the staff there so I always feel at home losing money to them. Commerce Casino has more poker tables than just about any other casino. On the weekends, you get an assortment of people. I once saw Ricki Lake there with a famous poker player, Antonio Esfandiari. On another occasion I was one table behind a table where Don Cheadle was playing. He is tiny.
At the poker table they bring you drinks or food. On one occasion I was there with a female friend and we started pounding beers while I played poker. She sat behind me. At our table was a hippy-looking dude that looked straight out of a Cheech and Chong Movie. The dude had long wavy hair and he was stoned. "Hey do you guys smoke? I have some herb we can smoke in the car", he asks. My friend jumped at the opportunity. We left the table to go to his car. I went to supervise my friend. You believe me right?
When we get back to the table we were feeling "irie". (No woman no cry). The hippie starts getting louder and louder and everything he said made us laugh. The rest of the table was wondering why we found the hippie so funny. Like I said we were feeling "irie" (Buffalo Soldier...). Hippie man spots an Indian man in the casino wearing a turban.
"Hey Bin Laden!. Hey Bin Laden!" He began calling the Indian man Bin Laden. This made everyone at the table crack up. "Bin Laden" didn't find this so funny. He approaches security and walks over to us and yells at the table with the most God awful Indian accent.
"I am not been layden!!! Fuck been layden!!! I hate been layden!!! I am a sikh!!!. Apparently hippie man associated Indians with Arabs.
Security comes over to the table to investigate:
"Did someone call this man Bin Laden?"
"Nah man we were just talking about politics and stuff",said Hippie man.
Security gave this man a "timeout", meaning he had to take a 15 minute break from the table. The table got quiet and less hilarious after that. The sikh left pissed off but I could have sworn he called us infidels.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
In Moseley Elementary School in Florida, a female teacher claims that a .22 caliber handgun fell out of a boy's pocket. I don't know what's more disturbing; the gun falling or the teacher's hand inside his pocket.
Charlie Sheen was rushed to the hospital complaining of abdominal pain after a night of wild partying. Witnesses are blaming Margarita shots. Margarita is claiming self defense.
In Egypt, the internet and chat messaging shut down after thousands of protesters took to the street calling to overthrow those in charge of their government. Talk about a pyramid scheme.
The game, "Where is Carmen Sandiego?" is coming to Facebook , followed by where are your papers?
Jesse Ventura is suing the TSA claiming their full body scans and pat down methods are unconstitutional. Especially troublesome was the questions they asked; things like, Who is your daddy? Or, Is that a pen in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
Amy Winehouse confirmed that she will play in Spain this June along with Crystal Castle and the Chemical Brothers. No wonder she can't stay sober.
In Illinois, Police say Carolee Bildsten tried hitting a cop with a dildo after she tried to walk out on a restaurant bill. At least she left a big tip.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
I was humbled yesterday on the tennis court by an old Asian man that could barely move. Eventhough I was in a Vietnamese neighborhood, I think the guy I played with was Korean because he was intense and very fiesty and we al know Koreans are that way.
I showed up to the park by myself looking to find a partner to play with. I see an old, Asian guy with a basket and tons of tennis balls. It looked like he was going to practice his serves.
"Can I practice returning your serve?", I ask.
I take that grunt as a sign that he wants to play. We warm up and we hit to each other. He is not very fast but he hit the ball accurately. I thought he had arthritis or perhaps maybe even a replaced hip. I was to learn not to jump to conclusion grasshopper. Whenever I made a shot that was away from him, he simply refused to run after it as if to say, I'm not going to run after the ball because you aren't accurate. The mind games have started.
We both work up a good sweat and then he tells me, "Single". I speak Asian so I knew that he meant that he wanted to play a single set. Meaning the person who gets 6 points wins the set and therfore the match. I said o.k. I let him serve first because he was old.
His serve was not fast but it was always in. I return the ball short and with a quick stroke he puts the ball away at a wicked angle. I thought, "lucky shot". He serves again and I return the ball and he zips past me. It was now 30-Love. Doubt was creeping in. I thought, "Am I really going to lose to Mr. Miyagi?" He won the first set. Score 1-0. On My serve I evened the score 1-1. On his serve he just got stronger. His shots were pinpoint accurate and he had me running all over. Score 2-1More of the same 3-1. I even resorted to doing drop shots figuring that his old legs would not get to the bal on time. Boy was I wrong. He got there and put the ball away with piercing shots.
By this point, I'm huffing and puffing and my goal is no longer to win but to put up points. I had so many shots that hit the tape and each time I would yell, "Come On".
I make the score 4-2 and I had a real chance to make the match competitive but he kept making every shot. On several occasions, I made what I thought was a winning shot down the line and I was so confident that he wouldn't get the ball that I stopped moving after making the shot. And Holy crap he would not only get to the ball but he would zip the ball back fast and low and each time I looked more and more desperate. Some points were very close but the bottom line is I lost 6-3.
I thanked him and apologized for not making it a better match. He grunted. I got in my car lookng for the reasons why I lost. I decided that it may have been because I wore my old shoes. Yeah that's it! Plus I hadn't played in a while. That's it too!. Oh yeah I have also been under alot of stress. And you know how hard it is to focus when your mind is distracted right? In the end I had to give that old man props. He kicked my ass. Back to the drawing board. Was it wax in or was it wax out?
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I was late to Facebook. I resisted the temptation to join it because I reasoned that those that know me, can easily get a hold of me. The other "aquaintances" either avoid me because I'm different or converesely because most people get on my nerves or they bore me. I decided to become modern and I joined. Of Course I had the paranoid thoughts that big brother was watching me and obviosuly I was guarded about what type of information I made available. But nonetheless I joined.
Immediately I saw the benefits and pitfalls of FB. The benefits include dispersing data to many people simultaneously. It's useful if you are having an event and you want to send invites. This is practical and therefore valuable. The pitfalls include being updated by people you hardly know about the most mundane of activities such as:
"It's sure cold outside"
"Just had a turkey sandwich. MMMM it was good!"
"Man I need to get to the gym."
"On my way to watch_____" (fill in the movie)
"Thank God it's Friday. Ready for Margaritas!"
After each mundane update I yell, "WHO GIVES A SHIT!" I cringe. I realy, really do.
Now as much as I want to categorize the universal FB types, I wont because it has already been done brilliantly by other fellow bloggers. Instead, I will note some general observations about Facebook and provide FB axioms that I find true. I urge you to provide some as well.
AXIOM #1 - FACEBOOK WILL AMPLIFY THE PERSONALITY OF IT'S USER.
If a person is annoying in real life, they will be 20 times more annoying on FB. True story. I had a friend that I haven't spoken in like 15 years. She recently asked to be my friend. I gave in. 15 years ago she was annoying and I thought that time makes one mature. Hell no! She is still annoying like streakers or people that wear gorilla suits. She makes being annoying an art form. She made a recent comment when the Greenbay Packers beat the Chicago Bears: PACKERS PACKED DA BEARS!
I can't make this stuff up. I held a gun to my head and nearly squeezed.
AXIOM #2 - IF YOU ARE PRONE TO DEPRESSION,IT'S NOT GOOD TO FREQUENT FB.
I battle with depression and too often FB makes me more depressed. I find myself comparing myself with others that lead normal lives and I begin to question my life and the decisions I made over the years. In addition, FB makes me feel freaky because I'm not married, don't have kids, or own a home. In fact, I'm pretty broke. Navigating FB becomes a morbid version of "This is your life". No bueno.
AXIOM #3 - YOU MAY DISCOVER THAT PEOPLE AREN'T WHAT YOU THOUGHT THEY WERE.
I have a tendency to believe that people rarely change. If I met you and liked you a long time ago, I will hold on to the idea that you are a cool person. Recent comments from people that I thought were cool have led me to reconsider my assumptions about people. I once knew a girl that I had not talked to in a while and I always thought she was pretty cool. Then one day she posted a hateful message deriding a poor mother who bought a jumper for her kid's birthday. The underlying message was (I'm paraphrasing): This poor lady is a leach and she is leaching off of us taxpayers. She is probably milking "the system". What followed was more hateful attacks and assumptions about this poor lady. I left a comment to the effect of "heaven forbid the poor have fun." I no longer talk to her.
What observations have you had about FB. Also what axioms can you add to mine. I would like to hear your experiences and thoughts on this subject matter. I have to go now. I need to update my FB and tell it that the chicken sandwich I had was a little bit salty but the French fries were real good!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Rapper Flava Flav is opening a fried chicken restaurant in Iowa. I know one thing for sure. He will not be late for the grand opening.
Mean Girls 2 is set to debut on January 23rd. I can't wait to see Nancy Pelosi and Meg Whitman on the big screen.
Two people were shot dead outside of a Walmart store in the state of Washington after one man began shooting at a police officer. Good thing for the cop it wasn't Target.
Big Ben Roethlisberger of the Pittsburgh Steelers was physical and vicious as he pounded and pounded away at will. Now the New Jork Jets know how that drunk girl felt.
Fitness guru Jack LaLanne has died at 96 years old. Let the "Jack in the Box" jokes begin.
A 33 year old nurse who worked in an Oklahoma hospice has lost her license for 20 years for having sex with a terminally ill married man. She came and he went.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Last week I attended an art exhibit in Hollywood entitled "Is this thing On?" It was off of Melrose acrosss the street from Pink's Hot Dogs. The art was amazing and I was excited to attend it because it featured two mediums that I enjoy: Paintings and Stand Up Comedy. This piece above was part of that exhibit. Below are some of the pieces that I photographed. Throughout the week, I will post other pieces. I hope you experience the same joy I did seeing the art for the first time. Enjoy!
Friday, January 21, 2011
I used to be a smark kid. When I was in elementary school, I played the trumpet in the school orchestra and was first chair. I also was an avid reader. I used to read books about animals. As a youngster, I was fascinated by dinosaurs.
I was also in the chess club in elementary school and I was the school champion. I thought I could beat Grandmasters from Russia. I played in several chess tournaments and did well until one day I got my ass kicked by a real genius. I was such a sore loser (even back then) that I refused to continue the tournament and walked off after getting defeated. I learned chess from my mother who was taught by my intellectual grandfather who always carried a chess board, chess books, and books on politics and philosophy. My grandfather was a real rebel in Mexico who once risked his life by coming to the aid of workers who were being exploited. He wrote his bike everywhere and always wore vest sweaters, slacks, and dirty shoes. He was also absent minded.
I pretty much forgot about chess throughout high school. Then one day I was at my community college and noticed some students playing chess. I sat down and asked to play. I thought that surely I would win. I was the elementary school champion and I was brilliant. I played and lost. I lost again. I sucked bad. I came to the realization that I needed to learn to play better but I didn't know how.
Once I was in a Whiitier library when I noticed an old man and a middle aged man playing chess. They looked disheveled. I sat down to play and I lost bad. I didn't mind losing too much. I expected to lose. I hadn't won in a long time. What made the losses painful is that one guy woud mock me with the most piercing laugh as soon as he knew that I was a goner. "Ha ha ha ha" that laughter was in my brain, even after I left the library. I returned to the library and I played with more conviction and I lost again. The mocking laughter returned. "Ha Ha Ha ha ha"
I decided at that losing moment that I would beat them. I would no longer be their punching bag. I vowed to be a hunter and not the prey. I returned to the library and I studied chess. I studied Bobby Fischer's, "My 60 Most Memorable Games". I studied opening theory and defenses. I studied the simple yet clear playing style of Jose Raul Capablanca who was the World Chess Champion from 1921-1927. I studied the defensive games of Tigran Petrosian who also was a world champion. I studied the positional play of Anatoli Karpov who turned minute advantages into victories. I studied "My System" by Aaron Nimvovich - which is considered a true classic and is regarded as "The Bible" of chess books.
After getting a better understanding of the game of chess, I was ready to put theory to practice. I sat down to play. Of course I did not tell them that I had been laboring over the Ruy Lopez chess opening or studying rook and pawn endgames. I just played and I beat them. I beat them over and over again. I was like Mike Tyson in his prime. I was a bad dude. I never mocked them but their silence was golden to me.
Later I played on a regular basis at Tang's donut shop in Los Angeles. I also started attending the Pasadena Chess Club, The La Habra Ches Club, Chess Palace, and coffee shops. It was not uncommon to go out with my buddies, get drunk, and play chess with a chess clock afterwards. I had a collection of chess books that I later just gave away.
A few years ago Bobby Fischer died and the news of his death was announced but it was merely a footnote on some blog or news website. In his latter years he was remembered for some of the crazy things he said about Jews,although he was Jewish himself. His place in chess and in history can not be understated. He single handedly brought down 40 years+ of Russian supremacy. This "crazy" American toppled the red machine without the financial backing of any American. He beat the Russians at the height of the cold war in 1972. Think about that.
After becoming champion he simply vanished and avoided any contact with people. He resurfaced 20 years later (1992) and had a rematch with the guy he defeated 20 years prior and he won again. He got paid over 1 million dollars for this and then he vanished to Iceland. He got arrested in Japan and was wanted in the U.S for tax evasion because he refused to give Uncle Sam a penny. The irony is that the U.S Treasury Department wrote a letter to him telling him not to go to Serbia to play the rematch. In front of the media, he spat on that letter. After winning the cash, this same U.S govt had it's hand out asking for their cut.
Bobby Fischer died surrounded by few people in Iceland. He is still missed by those in the chess community who were mesmerized by the artistry of his games. He was able to see further than any one of his peers. His aggressive approach and his persistent devotion to winning was contagious. Heck, years ago he was able to teach a young, stubborn college student how to play to win.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Zsa Zsa Gabor's mansion is on the market for $28 million. Dam, she's asking and arm and a leg for it. Let me re-phrase that.
An uncensored "Playboy" magazine is coming to the iPad in March. Is it easy navigating the iPad with one hand?
The House voted to repeal the Health Care Overhaul. The death squad has acted.
Regis Philbin has announced that this will be his last year doing his morning show. Afterwards, he will reunite with Larry King on "I Shouldn't be Alive."
Obama met with Chinese President Hu Jintao. Both leaders agreed to a compromise. Obama agreed to bend over backwards for China. China agrees to use vaseline.
In Texas, researchers have found bone fragments of a 9,400 year old domestic dog. It was found near a 9,400 year old fire hydrant.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Tonight I worked at the homeless shelter and had an experience that was both entertaining and touching. Let me create the setting for you. The shelter is located inside a millitary armory. The good men and women of our armed forces actually let us use their facility during the cold months to allow homeless men and women to eat and sleep there.
The inside of the shleter looks like a a gym or big room. Mats are placed next to each other. On one side of the room, women sleep. Men sleep on the other side. Blankets are passed out around 9:00PM. The men and women bring some of their belongings. Some bring sleeping bags, books, or clothes.
The place lets people come in around 6:00PM and at 7:00PM a line is formed and they are fed. The food is pretty good. Don't ask how I know.
Tonight, we had a sound system and we played 70's funk music. Real, hard-core funk music- the kind you would see played on Soul Train. Immediately the whole mood of the shelter changed. People were smiling and dancing; Whites, Black, Mexicans, everyone. One Mexican lady was dancing and encouraging staff and other homeless people to join her. "Come on join me", she kept saying.
She danced for about 1 1/2 hours straight. Different people would take turns dancing with her and later some staff members got in on the actions causing some of the homeless people to cheer the participation of anyone who dared to let loose. At one point I yelled, "Soooooooul Train" like the host used to do back in the day. One black lady smiled at that.
The joy of the music and the dancing was contagious. One Filipino guy started dancing as well. "These are the jams", he kept saying. One physically challenged lady even got in the act. She had trouble walking but she gave it her best effort to boogie the night away. She did end up falling on her ass and we all laughed. But it was all fun. One man came in using a walker and he lifted the walker up to simulate dancing.
I had two epiphanies tonight. First, I realized how tight knit these homeless people were. Many knew each other and looked out for each other. Before working with this population, I saw the "homeless" as an abstract idea. They were a concept. In time I'm seeing their humanity. Too often marginalized people become invisible metaphorically. But after seeing the same people over and over again, I have come too see their humanity. Each person has a story and unfortunately many times the stories are tragic. I overheard a lady say, "I've been through all the domestic mess for 17 years. "What made you finaly leave him", asked a staff member. "He went to jail up and I moved on. I didn't want to deal with the bloody mess again."
The other epiphany was how powerful music and dance can be to unite people. Here we were in a homeless shelter but for a moment we were all a part of a festivity. This is not only true of music and dance but of art in general which has the powerful ability to transcend. Just before leaving the shelter, the lady who had been dancing the night away turned to me and said, " I want you to remember something while you are driving home. I want you to remember to dance. o.k?"
I wont forget.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Today marks the holiday for Martin Luther King Jr., made famous for his civil rights activism and his "I have a dream" speech. If it had rained when he delivered his speech, would he have said, I have a wet dream?
Israeli Defense Minister, Ehud Barak announced that he is leaving the Labor Party. It's too much work.
In Tunisia there is chaos as gun battles exploded in the heart of the capital. Many are calling this a revolution. In Los Angeles, we call it a Lakers championship celebration.
In Mississippi, the oldest African American has died at 113 years old. She leaves behind no children as she never married. So that's the secret.
The Zodiac signs have shifted as a result of adding a 13th sign, Ophiuchus. Now I don't know how to act.
Touched By an Angel star John Dye was found dead in his home. I don't know what's more ironic; the title of his show or his last name?
Friday, January 14, 2011
Before your mind goes wild, let me assure you that this story is not sexual in nature. This story is rated PG-13.
Right before the high school session was about to begin, I was given shopping money to buy clothes to start the new year with new gear. I pick up my buddy Mando and we take the bus down whittier boulevard and into downtown L.A. Back then, the bus was called RTD (Rapid Transit District).
At that time, Los Angeles was a little bit shady. Skid Row was still grimey and you would only see Central-American immigrants, Mexicans, and blacks. If you saw white people, they just worked there or they owned or leased the building. Today downtown is hip. I know because it is common to see young,white people bar hopping the many bars that are there today. I'm digressing.
I was given some money to go shopping and I chose downtown L.A to get the deals. As I was walking down Broadway, I notice a crowd. And where there is a crowd, there is action. I like action.
There was a dude with boxes playing the shell game and people were winning big! DISCLAIMER: DON"T EVER PLAY THE SHELL GAME. IT IS A SCAM. Everyone knows this but I was ignorant of this fact. The people "winning" were part of the scam. They worked with the con artist. The "crowd" encourages the ignorant to win and have an early retirement. The con involves a sleigh of hand. In short, you can't beat that game.
Mando: "You should play"
ME: "I don't know"
Crowd member: "Play"
I looked to see if there were any winners and they all won. I wanted a piece of that action.
"$20 dollars minimukm to play," the con artist tells me.
"I'll play $30"
I lay my money down. "Follow the ball. Follow the ball where is the ball." I kept my eyes glued on the ball. I was certain I knew which shell covered the ball.
It seemed like slow motion when the con man lifts the shell and NOTHING.
Time stood still. I was shell shocked (pun intended)
I walked away red with anger. Then Mando offers me some words of encouragement. "Get your money back double or nothing."
I played and got the same result. I was livid. My friend Mando was cracking up. "You have to admit it was funny", he tells me. It was hillarious.
I walked the crowd like a madman. "I need to rob someone" I said fuming between my heavy breathing. I also thought about what I was going to tell my mother.
As we walked two blocks, we notice the cops approaching us. I stand in the middle of the street and stop the cops and point to the con man and his crew and the cops arrest him. I did not get my money though.
There was a little problem. The con man's crew saw me pointing the finger at my public enemy #1. They chase us. We run and hop into a random bus #66.
"Please let us ride, I lost my money in the shell game and I'm broke"
"No problem man, the black bus driver assures me. My friend and I were the only one on the bus and the bus driver was kind enough to give me a tour of the city.
"See that corner, that's where the He-shes come out at night. Sometimes they look like girls and you can't tell."
The bus drive home took forever because the bus went west on Olympic before making a U-turn on the Westside. I thought it went east.
I explained to my parents that I lost my money. I nearly lost my mind.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
If you are a long-time reader, you know that I am obsessed with watching myself decompose AKA getting older. I notice all signs that my body is approaching rigormortis so I take great precautions to make sure that the grim reaper has a bitch of a time getting me. Oh he will find me, like he finds everyone, but I'm going to make it difficult for him. To Quote Oil of Olay: "I don't intend to grow old gracefully. I intend to fight the aging process every step of the way."
Recently, I exercised light because my brittle bones make it impossible to go full blast and it had been a while since I did any exercise. The next day my left ankle was hurting. Is this the start of atrophy or rigormortis? The jury is still out. All this talk about age was triggered by a recent incident. As many of you know, I work with providing shelter to homeless families. I also follow up to visit the families in the motels.
On one occasion I was talking to a homeless father who was approximately 50 years old. He had a receding hairline and grey hair. As I was trying to learn about the set of circumstances that led to his current situation, it soon became clear that dude had a tounge ring! A freaking tounge ring at 50? Come on!
This got me thinking that there are certain things that you, as a non-young (I don't want to say old) person can no longer do. Here are some that I can think of:
1- Baseball Caps: The older you get, the less cool it is to wear baseball caps UNLESS they serve a practical use like blocking the sun, or blocking rain. Once you turn 30 it is never permissible to wear your hat sideways. There are two exceptions; Flavor Flav or being a famous rapper.
2-Dance Crazes: I better not see a a non-young person even attempt to do the Jerk or the Shuffle. Nature and hospitals have way of reminding you that the dances are for the young. Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids. If you are non-young and you break dance. You will simply dance and your bones will break. Non youngers are limited to doing the running man and the two step. As you get older, you will have to settle for wiggling two fingers in front of your face. It's the law of physics at work.
3-Skateboards: The cut off for using skateboards should really be 25 and I'm being generous here. You want to ride and be exposed to the open air? Buy a convertible car.
4-Skinny Jeans and Vans: Only young people can wear this. If you are non-young and wearing skinny jeans, you better have a needle filled with heroin stuck in your arm or be a surviving member of The Ramones.
5- Colorful hair: I can't tell you how ridiculous it is to see guys with bright red hair trying to hold on to their youth. If you get senior discounts at Denny's, it's time to give up the hip act.
I know there many guys and girls that are on the cusp between the world of youth and antiquity that may not know where they stand. Do not depair I have a test that will let you know where you stand.
It's called the Sir/Ma'am test. For ladies, the more you get called ma'am instead of chick, you may be on your way to soft food and prunes. Men, the minute you stop being called dude and start being called sir, it may be time to buy a new pair of penny loafers and start listening to Prince on your Walkman.
I want to hear from my fellow bloggers. What else should I have included on my list above? Let me know soon while you still have your senses.
A CDC report finds that 8% of Americans have asthma. This was not easy for me to say because my inhaler ran out.
Did you know that all states except Florida had snow recently? Snow isn't ready for retirement just yet.
Australia has been hit with a deadly flood that has has hundreds of men at work trying to save Men at Work. (apologies to my younder readers who are asking themselves, Who are Men at work? I'll just smile and give you a vegemmite sandwich. That too will not make sense)
Eva Longoria's restaurant, Beso has filed for bankruptcy protection. It's been a tough year for her. Her business goes belly up and she is no longer a wife. Now she's just desperate.
Sarah Palin is taking aim at critics that have tried to pin some blame on her for the Arizona Shooting insisting that her political/violent rhetoric may have contributed to the attack. She has reloaded and fired back an now says there is a bullseye on Democrats that have misquoted her.
Ted Williams, the homelessman with the golden voice, is heading to rehab after speaking to Dr. Phil. I hope he does the 12 steps on Phil's Head!
Police say that actor Peter Fonda discovered a dead body slumped over in the front seat of a car in Los Angeles. Upon closer inspection they discovered Larry King napping
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
A while ago I tried selling my OJ exercise VHS tape on Craigslist (in its original case) and I had no buyers. So I decided to give you, my beloved bloggers and readers, a once in a lifetime opportunity to own a piece of American history.
I'll entertain all offers. What do you have? Will I barter? Heck yeah I will. Make me an offer I can't refuse. I need the cash and you need a good story so let's make this a win-win transaction.
(bloody knife,glove, Bronco, OJ DNA not included)
Monday, January 10, 2011
A study by the Weizmann Institute of Science and Wolfson Hospital suggests that the chemicals in women's tears sends a signal to men that she is not interested in sex. This whole time I thought it was because I chop onions during sex.
The Kansas City Chiefs were demolished by the Baltimore Ravens in the NFL Playoffs 30-7. Asked if they ever felt threatened by the Chiefs offense, quote the Ravens Nevermore.
Polaroid has teamed up with Lady Gaga to promote several products including camera glasses. They are available for all three sexes.
Pope Benedict recently stated that God was behind the big bang. Of course he was. How else did Mary get pregnant?
Rod Stewart celebrated his 66th birthday by singing his new single: Do you think I'm senile?
The debut of the new season of Jersey Shore set a record for MTV drawing 8.45 million viewers. In related news, fish and birds were made aware of this fact and they wisely chose to end their lives.
Friday, January 7, 2011
As promised, I will continue the saga of how my friend Jessica almost had me killed. If you read my last "Flashback Friday" post you will recall that I was almost killed by a Mexican gangster named Snoopy.
On another occasion, my friend Jessica began dating a buff Mexican rapper named "Latin Lover" (I'm not kidding -that was his rap name). "Latin" was HUGE!. His arms looked like my thighs. He was a shitty rapper but no one dare tell him that he couldn't flow.
Latin was legendary for being a mean ass Mexican. There was rumor on the street that when L.A County Jail had their famous, race riots between Blacks and Mexicans, Latin was the guy that started that riot!
On another occasion, some guys decided to try to rip off his d.j equipment and stabbed him several times. Not only did they not steal his equipment, one guy ended up getting his ass kicked. The dude was bad.
Latin Lover was a bit older than us as we were in high school. He began dating Jessica. Before dating her, he was dating another girl that was a pretty close friend of mine. This girl had told me that Latin was pretty abusive with her and had roughed her up on several occasions.
So when Latin began dating Jessica I tried to warn her of his propensity for violence. "Hey Jessica I heard that Latin could be rough. His last girlfriend told me that he was kinda rough with her. Be careful. I'm telling you this because you are a friend."
Next thing you know, word on the street was, "Latin is after you". I imagine the conversation that led to that decision went something like this:
Jessica: I heard you are a wife beater.
Latin: Who the fuck said that?
Jessica: I just heard.
Latin: Who told you!!!! (Neck gets squeezed hard)
To say I was scared is an understatement. I was petrified. During this time there were several events where my rapper buddies and I would attend, such as backyard parties. On one occasion, there was going to be a a rap contest at "Music Revolution" in Whittier,CA.
I knew the the guy that was the judge and he had told me to show up as he would award me the winner and I would get the cash. (So much for objectivity and fairness). Eventhough the fix was in, something told me NOT to attend because Latin would be there. I went with my instincts and stayed home.
My friend Sal, who did attend the rap contest, calle me up sounding frantic. "Israel Latin wants to kick your ass. He thought I was you and grabbed me by the neck and was going to sock me!"
I couldn't ignore this. I had to take action. I called him directly. More accurately, I called and kissed his ass clean. Inside, outside, all around. I left it spotless!
(my heart is beating out of my chest and I'm breathing heavy)
"Can I speak with Latin?
"This is him"
"It's Israel. I heard you're after me"
(I then proceeded to tell him how I would NEVER talk about him. I reminded the time that we were partying with some girls and how I was cool with him and how much I enjoyed his company and how he was wiser than Jesus and that he smelled good and, you name it I said it. My life was at stake.)
He paused and calmly said: "You know that bitch was probably lying. I don't talk to her anymore. You're alright. We're cool because you took care of business. (Meaning I approached him regarding our differences). I was going to live.
What lessons did I learn?
1- Mexican girls like dating thugs.
2- Kissing ass can prevent kicking ass.
3- People that take part in prison riots tend to have bad tempers.
4- People can be Lovers and Fighters.
5- Its best to confront and go to the source of your problems.
6- All Jessica's are trouble including Simpson.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Newly appointed G.O.P Speaker of the House, John Boehner said in a recent speech: " This is the people's house". And like any most houses these days, it is owned by the banks and losing value fast.
In Celebration of it's 40th anniversary, Starbucks will change it's logo. They will drop the "Starbucks" name but will keep the green siren who now is dripped in oil.
Alec Baldwin told CNN host Eliot Spitzer that he was very serious about running for public office but he is also busy with acting. He is stuck between 30 Rock and a hard place.
A guard that once worked for Michael jackson testified that Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray, hid evidence which was never found; making him a smooth criminal.
A new antibiotic therapy using rifaximin may help ease irritable bowel syndrome. I'm not shitting you.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
After reading the Ditz's blog outlining the format of her blog for the year, I realized that my blog has very little structure and also that she is very organized. So I decided to introduce WTF Wednesdays. The idea is to present true stories that made me say "WTF" at work.
However, I don't want to limit myself to work-related stories. This is my attempt at structure. I hope it works.
Before I get into the story, let me recap the set of circumstances that bring me to my WTF story. Last Year I was without of work for the great majority of the time. I had a great paying job doing inside sales and then the recession yada yada. You know how that goes.
Recently I got a job working for a well known organization that has a great reputation for helping homeless people. We have homeless shelters open during the cold seasons. We give them shelter, feed them, and give them a place to shower. If a homeless family arrives at the shelter, we provide housing for the family at a motel as we don't want children to be exposed to such a rough environment.
After the families are set up at a motel, I visit with the families with the goal that they transition to an alternative setting. This program is for emergencies and is short term. I find out about their situation and try to provide whatever guidance we can with the limited resources that we have.
THE DRUG CHILD
Yesterday I went on a visit to see a familiy. It was a mother and her 10 year old daughter. The motel itself is in a rough neighborhood. According to another tenant, a lady was recently stabbed to death across the street and her body placed in a dumpster. "The cops have been coming around here alot," said she.
We knock and this frail woman answers. She looks at us with suspicion. We introduce ourselves. (It's a female co-worker and me). She sighs with relief. "You can come out honey, they are o.k". Apparently, the child was hiding. That was a bit creepy and this prompted the question, why is she hiding?
The frail woman was almost in tears. This was her story. She used to have a great job in the real estate industry but because of the recession yada yada. She used up all of her savings and needed help. This is the first time she has been this finacially strapped. Then she explains that she was an emancipated youth meaning she legally broke ties with her family because her mother was a crack addict and as a result, she has ADD. Her daughter also has ADD and is prone to turrets.
She had the baby from an older man that used to be her therapist when she was 15! He wasn't a therapist he was THE RAPIST. He supposedly had his license suspended and is threatening to take her child from him. Later she reveals that everytime she needed any financial support, he would force her to engage in some sexual act. "Get on your knees and do what you do best." The guy is a creep and he lost his license.
She now was in tears and was explaining how he has messed with her mind for all these years using "reverse psychology". The guy sounds evil. She has to attend an emergency hearing where he will argue that the child should be with him. I called up my family attorney friend who will help her in this matter.
The tragedy got worse as she explained that her father commited suicide. While she is telling us her life story, her daughter kept staring at me with a deep stare that was both cute and eery. She was drawing me. She pretended to hide behind a book;a kind of peek a boo. We explain to the mom what her options are and we guide her in the right direction.
I left the room with my co-worker and we both felt drained and exhausted after hearing and witnessing tragedy. I went home thinking of that lady and her child wondering what the hell is going to happen.
When my co-worker got to the office today, she opened up the cartoon drawing that the little girl had drawn. It had a cartoon-monster looking creature in the middle with a big head and regular sized feet and hands. On the side of the picture it read: "Thank you for helping us"
Monday, January 3, 2011
In Arkansas there is mystery surrounding the death of 5000 birds that fell from the sky. Look up in the sky it's a bird. Look down on the floor it's that same bird.
A 26 year old man who tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building in New York City was spared when he landed on a huge pile of garbage. The AIG executives also survived.
The commander of a U.S carrier is in hot water for a crude video he made that contained gay slurs, simulated masterbation scenes, and service members showering together. His career in the Navy may be ending but he has found a home in "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."
Zsa Zsa Gabor was rushed to a Los Angeles hospital to have her leg amputated. Now she can't kick off the New Year as planned.
Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband was taken to the hospital after he mistook a bottle of glue for eyedrops. His coffe mug remains broken but has perfect vision.
In St. George, Utah three high schools have set up the Gay/Straight Alliances in this conservative town. The Church of the Latter Day Saints have accepted them freely because of their love of "more men". ( I need to move to Iowa because that was corny)